Goals

I think it is imperative that we all have goals, short term ones and long term ones. I have many goals, all pretty well aimed at one huge goal. I have already started to accomplish some of the smaller goals. It makes me feel good, knowing it is pushing me in the direction I want to go.

I used to think that I would never be able to learn another language but now, I know that I can and I will. Since I want to take a trip to Europe in a few years, I certainly want to know enough of the language before I go, so that I can speak to people there. It's kind of exciting to plan this trip, I am hoping to go for at least 10-14 days. There is a ton of research for me to do and saving money of course;)

I just needed to believe that anything is possible and it is, anything and everything. I know that when I ask and believe, then I will receive. It cannot be denied, no matter what it is, it will be mine.

Next week, I am starting the exercise part. I have a plan and someone to walk with until I get comfortable with exercising again, then I can do more each day. I am going to build myself up, so that I can actually do a small run. I would love to be able to do a long distance run someday but for now I will take a short one like a 5K. I am almost giddy with excitement because I know that I am getting closer to my ultimate goal one step at a time. There is nothing anyone can do to dampen my spirits. Many people try but I am not letting them decide for me any longer, which is another goal of mine. I want to make all my own decisions and I don't really even want the comments.;)

I will just take each day as it comes and be blessed for that and all that I have, I live in abundance (one of my goals).

Being tenacious

I am a very tenacious person, when someone tells me I cannot do something, I find a way and I show them I can. When I put my mind to something, I give it my all. If I know something is right in my heart, I never give up. If one thing does not work for me to accomplish or gain my goals, I try other things until I find something that works.

I may look and feel like I am defeated but in my heart, I am just planning another way to get around the first failure. Long term failure is NOT an option, not to say things don't go wrong but that doesn't mean I let them ruin my goals.

It always surprises me when other people give in so easily. I remember when my oldest daughter was in grade 9 and the principal told her and three of her friends that not one of them would amount to anything, in fact he thought they would all end up pregnant and on welfare. Thankfully he was wrong on all accounts, especially about my daughter. But, when this was told to her, my daughter skipped so many high school classes and then finally dropped out of high school. If this had been me, I would have went to school every day, been early, completed every assignment and passed with flying colors, just so I could go back to that principal and wave my diploma in in face and say you were WRONG about me. That is just the kind of person I am, I would have dug right in and given it my all.

I think this is why I have such a difficult time giving up one of my main goals, something keeps drawing me back, no matter how hard I try to move on. I am just meant to have that goal no matter what anyone thinks. I know the truth.... one day. everyone will knowღ ♥ღ ♥

Resentment

Life is throwing curves left right and center, I feel like there are doubts in my mind because I am so close to attaining what I have always wanted and known. I feel like if I abandon my inner most desire that I will lose what I waited for all my life.

I have my daughter feeling like I resented her when she was growing up, I didn't resent her, I resented the choices I made. I think the world of her, she is doing everything right, she is married to a wonderful man that she loves and he loves her, she has a great job doing what she wants to do, they have a house. She is living the dream that I had for myself, she did things the right way. I am so glad she didn't make the choices I made, yet she feels as if I resent her???

I have my friend that no matter how many times I reach out to be friends, keeps ignoring me, what resentment do they hold against me that they cannot even say 'hi'? Wow, am I that terrible that I don't even rate a hi? I never thought so but when you have been friends with someone well over 20 years and shared secrets that you told no one else, then what am I to think, why is there resentment on their part?

It makes me wonder what is wrong with me that two people that I love so deeply in this world can dislike me so much as to ignore me when I am hurting beyond belief. I would never want to hurt anyone that much, especially the people that I love.

I know I have to get past this issue and realize that it isn't mine, it's just so hard as I don't want to lose these people out of my life. I feel like there would be an empty hole in my heart that no one could ever fill.

Why do we under value ourselves?

I have been posed the question of why I don't feel worthy enough to be loved? I have been thinking of nothing else, why? What is it that makes me feel this way? As successful as I have become in other parts of my life, relationships are still a mystery. I want to believe that I deserve the best but something stops me. I can't figure out what it is, it makes me cry whatever it is. I know that I want someone to love me passionately and totally, I want to love someone passionately and totally. I want to be free and feel butterflies, why am I afraid to believe that I deserve the best?

I know that until I figure that out, I can never have a successful relationship. Is this why I hold on to the past, even when the past refuses to hold on to me. Is it me that makes me unlovable?

I have been trying to figure out what it is about me that attracts losers, users and jerks? This cannot be what I truly want for myself, it must be what I think I deserve as the universe and God certainly don't want this for me.

I have decided to work on my outside and hopefully I will take the same opportunity to work on my insides as well. I cannot be fully happy without both...

I certainly need to be kinder to myself, I never realized how much I didn't really like myself until today. I have been putting all this crap out to the universe and I have been accepting it, only a person who doesn't love themselves would do this. It definitely is time for a change!

My wonderful birthday

I had a fantastic birthday, many people remembered and gave me great wishes. The one I wanted to, didn't happen today but like the movie "A Miracle On 42nd Street", I believe, I believe, I believe... I know what is meant to be, this is why I cannot give up. When I think about it.... it just leaves me empty.

My youngest daughter baked me a cake with a little help from my sitter. She did an amazing job decorating it with hearts and she made me a beautiful card with flowers. I also had a me day, I had my eyebrows waxed (instant eye lift) and I had my hair cut and colored (it feels so amazing now).

What I am thinking right now is creating my future, I am thinking about re-connecting with my friend. I know with time and patience it will all work out;)

My Birthday Wish

I have only one birthday wish this year and that is to re-connect with an old friend. This person means so much more to me than I can possibly convey in words. Not speaking with them for the last year and a half has been horrible and left such an empty hole in me. This person knows me better than most people have ever got to know me. I have shared more with them than I have ever shared with anyone, they have proven to be one of the best confidants I have ever met.

If you ever have the opportunity to have a friend like this in your life, don't ever let them go and do all that you can to keep them in your life. For someday if you wake up like I did and lose them out of your life, you will know how I feel. I have been incredibly sad and I have lived my life in a way that has not brought me happiness. Tonight I finally asked them for the only birthday wish I want and if it is given to me, I will treasure it for the rest of my life.

Honesty

I have no idea why it is so hard for people to be honest about the way that they feel, what are they afraid of? I think ignoring someone or something doesn't make it easier, I believe being straight and completely honest is the only way to go. It might hurt someone for a short while but lying and ignoring someone is so much worse!

This past few months have made me think and re-think what it is that I really want. I haven't changed my ultimate outcome but I have a very different way of wanting to deal with it now. I really thought that the path that I was on was what would get me to the place where I wanted to be, clearly that didn't work!! So, I had to change it and think about it from a different angle, now to put that into the works. Change is the name of the game, giving up is never an option. The path might be different but the end result is what I am focusing on.

Although I have been frustrated in the past, relaxing and waiting for what I know will happen is sure to make it happen all the sooner. Listening to myself is what I need to do more of and listening to what other people want for me, is all going to be taken with a grain of salt. I am the only one that can ultimately make me happy, I know what is best for me, other people don't, they are just well meaning.

I am enjoying my vacation, I am going to relax and not let it fly by so quickly. I am heading downtown tomorrow with my youngest daughter, spending the day at the huge playground and the museum. Then I need to have some mama time, I have a few ideas.. Then my birthday this week, I really want to do something fun and I want to be able to connect with old friends.

Strength in hard times

Today was a tough day, it is taking all my strength to not let it own me and break me. I just will never understand all the adversity we have to go through, the good moments are great but are they really enough to sustain us through the rough times. I want to be strong and come out on the other side better for having survived hard times but I honestly want to know how many hard times do we have to have? It's not like I think that no one else has difficulties, I know we are going through this with different challenges. I particularly detest when someone tells me that we are not given more than we can handle, enough already. I love quotes and sayings but not that one, it just ticks me off beyond belief. Every time I think, there... I made it through that one... along comes a bigger adversity. Where is the justice in that? How about the rewards for getting through and not just surviving? I sound like the pessimist and really that is not me, I am the eternal optimist, I really believe that there are great things waiting for us after all this crap is over, it's just so hard to stay focused when you are going through the mess. A little break from the seemingly never ending downward slope would be great for me;)

I am blessed, I know this or I would not be where I am in my life and have the family and friends that I have but it always seems to exclude the love that I have always wanted. Whenever I think I should just give up and move on, I somehow get roped back in... I just don't want to end up like some women that I know that settle for being alone. I don't truly see them as happy, it's not that being alone is so bad, it's just that being with someone you love is SO much better;)

Gratitude for my daughters

I am grateful for my two beautiful daughters! I have been blessed with two girls, my oldest who is 27 years old and my youngest who is 6.

I was 18 years old when I had my oldest daughter and I raised her on my own, she is a kind, loving and strong willed woman. She knows what she wants and she goes after it. Sometimes, because she is so strong willed we end up having disagreements but we still love each other very much. I am extremely proud of her and all of her accomplishments, she married a wonderful man and has a great career$

I was 39 years old when I had my youngest daughter and I am now raising her on my own. She is sweet, soft hearted but she also has a mind of her own. When she wants something, whatever it is that she wants she doesn't give up until she has it.

It is and has been challenging raising daughters that are so strong willed but honestly I wouldn't want it any other way. I am thrilled that they are their own people. Neither one of them are followers, they are the leaders among their friends and they don't let people boss them around.

There are times that I think that things are not always so wonderful for me but I just have to stop and think how lucky and blessed I am to have had the opportunity to raise two fabulous daughters that challenge me and show me how to be stronger myself.

Frustration

I am beyond frustrated, I cannot even explain it to myself. I just keep going in circles trying to find what I want. It seems like an endless merry-go-round that I can't get off, I keep thinking if I get off that I will miss out on getting what it is that I truly desire. The truth is that I KNOW what I want, I just haven't been able to make myself trust what I know. I want what everyone else wants, I desire love, romance and feeling special to the one person that causes me to have fireworks and butterflies. I keep trying to fill that empty spot with things and those things never get me to where I want to end up. I need to make a decision to either stick to a plan to get what I want or to just give up the dream and move on. My question is if I give up, will I be able to create another dream that makes me feel as wonderful?

About Me

I was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia on July 23, 1963. I have lived here the majority of my life, I love this city. It is the perfect size for me, I have always considered myself a small town city girl, I actually never thought that I would like to even travel to a large city. That changed last summer when I went to Toronto for six weeks of training for the job that I currently have. I fell in love with Toronto, not exactly where I would want to raise a child but I really enjoyed being there.

I come from an extremely large family, there were 9 girls in my family. My mother Ann who is from Salem Oregon, was married to Dale and had three daughters, Helen, Darlene and Cheryl. The marriage ended and my mother became pregnant with another girl that she adopted in Florida around 1960. My father Gary who was born in Queens County, Nova Scotia was quite the dreamer and when he was 17 years old set off on a trip across Canada, he ultimately wanted to end up in Hollywood to become a movie star ;) However, fate stepped in when he was traveling through Salem, Oregon and he met my mother when she was nearly 5 months pregnant with our sister that she would adopt out in Florida later.

My parents then had my sister Kimberly Albina on April 13, 1962 in Salem, Oregon. I was then born on July 23, 1963 in Halifax, Nova Scotia, then my sister Rochelle Lynn was born in Salem, Oregon on July 12, 1964. My parents then set out in a red VW bug to travel back to Halifax, Nova Scotia, they stopped over in Kelowna, BC to pick fruit to make money for the trip back home. On the morning of October 12, 1964 they left us with the babysitter Mary to go work in the fields. I was up with Mary when they left and she went to light the wood stove, at the same time I pulled a Coleman stove off the kitchen table that caused a large fire to start. I was standing directly in the fire, Mary walked through the fire to save me. My sister Kimberly was too afraid to go out and Mary was unable to get to her. The fire department was called but unfortunately they were unable to revive her from smoke inhalation. At first my other sister Rochelle had been pronounced dead at the scene but they were able to revive her. I was burned quite severely on my legs and back which was approximately 60% of my body(the fact that I had a wet diaper on saved me, the doctors were able to do skin grafs), the doctors held out little hope for me to survive. Once I did survive, they advised my mother that I would have patches of hair and that I would more than likely lose my feet, neither of those things happened, I have a full, thick head of hair and I never lost my feet. I spent many years of my young life having many operations, I consider myself extremely lucky to have survived when there was so little hope that I would. My parents then settled in Halifax, Nova Scotia and this was when my sister Lisa was born on March 24, 1966.

At this time, my father went to Ontario for work while my mother stayed in Halifax, my father then met up with another woman Ruth and eventually he and my mother separated. My sisters Rochelle and Lisa as well as myself ended up growing up in Halifax, Nova Scotia with my father and Ruth. I was about 6 years old at this time and for the next 9 years I had no contact with my mother who had ended up having another daughter Krista Fawn in April 1970, my mother and Krista moved back to Oregon and I did not meet up with her again until I was 15 years old.

After almost 10 years, my father contacted my mother in Oregon and had her fly up to Halifax to meet us. My father had finally left my ex step mother Ruth and he and my mother decided to get back together, however; within 2 years they had split up again but by this time I was 17 years old and I was living in Halifax, Nova Scotia with my grandmother. My mother stayed in New York state, first in Niagara Falls, NY and then Silver Creek, NY. My father had met another woman Ilona in Binghamton, NY, he spent the next 25 years plus going back and forth between Nova Scotia and New York state.

More to come later....