Attitude

Attitude is what will get you to where you want to be. If you have an attitude of gratitude you will go far in this world, since gratitude will always remind you where you have been and where you are going. Without gratitude you will never realize all you dreams, goals and desires.

I have not always had the proper attitude, I have had a self defeating one that has owned me and controlled me. One that has stunted me, kept me from what I wanted. I no longer have that way of thinking any longer, I have the thought that if there is something that you really want and you act as if you already have it, you will have it, it cannot be denied you. However; first, I had to start with having gratitude and I keep that continually close to me.

I am so grateful for all the blessings I have had come into my life, some of those blessings ended up coming from some of the hardest challenges I have had to overcome. When I think of my oldest daughter, I was 18 years old (a baby myself) I had to grow up and raise her at the same time, I really did a pretty good job. She is an amazing, strong woman, I love her so much. I know that sometimes she doesn't realize how wonderful I know that she is, I know I pushed her a lot when she was younger. I just didn't want her to fall into the same traps that I did, I wanted her to be her own woman and have her own mind. She did and she does!

My youngest has other challenges she has to deal with, I love that she is so head strong and creative. She is giving, kind and loving. I want her to keep this attitude with her as I never want her to be a follower, looking for acceptance. I want her to shine her own light and lead.

I have not always chosen the easiest path in life, I have taken some curvy paths that have been difficult but when I think about it, I honestly wouldn't change any of those challenges. I would not be where I am today (which is exactly where I am supposed to be) but I also know where my future is headed and with who. I will never give up on what I know is right or with who I am supposed to be with. One day, he will know it too... I actually think he already knows it, he just hasn't accepted it yet. Change is hard but oh, it is so worth it! I have come to love change for it is leading me in the direction where I have always known that I am supposed to be.

My Vision Board

My vision board involves everything I will have. When I look at it (which I do very often as it on my home computer, work computer and my Blackberry) I see all the progress I have made with it. I have things on it that I have already received into my life and others that I am currently working on having. I truly believe that if you ask and then believe you will receive, the universe is set up to give you what you truly desire. I have one main desire on my board, something that many people think I can never attain, I am hear to say that, that one goal is one that I am going to have, all the other little goals are working up to the main goal.

I have new desires and goals, a new house, a car (my lime green bug), my trip.. I am having all of these added. Some people think you should only concentrate on a few things at a time, I say why... the universe is not limiting anyone of us to a few things. The universe is there to give us everything we believe we will have. For this reason, I know I will have my main hearts desire.

I added my vision board here on my blog because the more I have my board out in the universe, the quicker I will attain each goal. I am so happy knowing that I have everything I need and that whatever I want is there for me to ask for.

I am so grateful for my positive attitude and for the many fantastic blessings I have in my life. I have been blessed beyond belief within my life. My absolute favorite quote has been and still in "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right". That is the Secret in a nutshell, if you don't believe it, it will never happen. I for one believe with my whole heart, that is why so many goals I have made, have materialized so quickly.

Butterflies and love

I have been posed a question tonight, should I just give up looking for love that gives me butterflies and flip flops? I know who gives me that but is that enough to sustain a relationship, has it ever really worked out for me when I felt the butterflies that made me forget everything around me?

Is it better to go with something solid, something built on friendship? I just don't think that is enough to sustain a relationship. I want the romance, I need the romance, I don't want to settle for second best just to have someone in my life. I almost think it is better to be alone than to settle for less than what I want.

The funny thing is that is what everyone has told me all along, so tonight when a good friend that I care for as a friend posed the question that maybe if we just hung out and dated, maybe I would change my mind about them in the future, down the road.

I realize though that if it isn't there to begin with, it won't be there in the future. I also know that just the butterflies alone are not enough, I need a mixture of both of them. I am not going to settle... I want the whole package, I deserve the whole package... I am worth it and one day he will know that I am worth it too.

A new passion

I am really enjoying exercising, once I start I want to keep working out. I am not pushing it yet, I want to build up. I am afraid that if I push too hard too fast that I will give up, so I am taking it slow and working up to actually exercising for an hour per day at least 4-5 days per week.

I am more centered in my life than I have been for a very long time, now that I have a new goal. I love having goals, I get to focus on those things that will make me better and stronger. I cannot wait to have a full picture taken once I get to a desired weight. I should be ready in 6-8 months at this rate.

Next on the list is learning to drive and learning to speak another language, because I want to know what is being said to me when I go to Europe. I also want a car but that will all come with time, I am living in abundance, I have everything I need and I will have what I want!

I never truly give up on what I want, sometimes it sounds like I am sure I cannot handle another disappointment, that is when I have become stronger, challenges seem to do that for you. It's so hard to see when you are in the middle of it but wonderful when you finally realize how lucky you are to survive. I am truly blessed and very happy.

Ten things I like about myself and ten goals♥ღ♥ღ♥

10 things I like about myself

1) I am kind
2) I am tenacious
3) I like my hair
4) I am a great listener
5) I am friendly
6) I am respectful
7) I am reliable
8) I am trustworthy
9) I am loyal
10) I have great nails.

10 goals I have for myself

1) I want to marry the person I love
2) I want to learn how to drive
3) I want to travel to Europe
4) I want to progress in ADP and take all my CPA courses
5) I want to live healthy
6) I want to be in control of my life
7) I want to buy a car
8) I want to exercise
9) I want to learn another language at least conversational
10) I want to live in abundance

I challenge everyone to make a list of the ten things that they like about themselves and their ten goals. It can really help you get on track, I have been working on many of these bit by bit. It may take time but I will have each one of these goals~!~

Exercising~No more excuses!!

I have FINALLY stopped making excuses and I have joined a gym, woo hoo. I have been wanting to do this for years but I have always had one excuse or another not to do it. No more excuses, I have even set up the child care, I am thrilled to actually get to this point. I am going in the right direction now, just another step on my way to being where I want to be and having who I want to have in my life. I only want the quality person who deserves me and I will have him, it is just all a matter of time;)

I have committed to go to exercise class for at least 3-4 times per week until I reach the goal that I want and than maintaining that goal I will go at least 2-3 times per week. I am doing this mainly for myself, I want to get healthy and in shape... then I want to show every single person how wrong they were about me by not giving me an opportunity, I will then have the total package;)

The next thing I am looking into is learning the language I want to speak before I head off to the European country I want to visit. Things are getting exciting, I am finally out of debt, so now I can start saving for my trip. I want to save at least 150.00 per month, so that will be 3600.00 in 2 years, I think that should be a good amount to go away for my trip.

Off to bed, see if I can sleep in this nasty heat, I am hoping it cools down just a bit. I like nice weather, I despise when the humidity is this high though. It is nearly unbearable to sleep!

Vices and getting control

Well, today I am going to be assessed for an exercise program, I am excited. I can finally start losing the weight and toning up, this might help my mood and self esteem. Having all this extra weight certainly does not help me have the positive attitude I desire, it is hard to stay centered with it. I feel like I am finally going to do something about it, I am going to put all my effort into this to succeed, another vice gone. I have finally been working on my vices one by one, as I get rid of one and maintain for a while, I start working on a new one. Each time I get rid of one, it feels so good.

Also, I want Valentina to grow up healthy and if I am living properly, she will have a good role model to follow. If I am exercising more, this will help her to want to exercise more and eat better as that will be the type of food I have for both of us to eat. I don't know why I have held on to the weight for as long as I have, it must have served some sort of purpose or I would have lost it and maintained the loss.

I know this change I am making is not going to be easy and it is one that will be a lifetime of work but I know that it will be worth it. I have been talking about how to fit exercise into my life and I am finally going to stop talking about it and start doing it.

Bad relationships is one of my vices that I need to get rid of, it doesn't help me to have people attracted to me that I am not the least bit attracted to. I think with the weight loss and toning up, I will be able to attract the type of man I am looking for, this might take me six months to a year but it is a goal I am looking forward to attaining. It will be worth it to attract quality people in my life.

Well, I am going to try to get a little sleep, the humidity has been insane lately. I don't mind heat but this has gone beyond what most people can handle. It would be fine if I had a car to go to the beach or lake but when you are at the mercy of buses it is not so easy. I have been trying not to complain since I despise the winter months that seem to last forever, however; this weather has been TOO much.

Self Esteem

Why does it seem that our self esteem always ends up being wrapped up in what other people think of us. I really thought I had become more advanced that way, I wanted to believe that it didn't matter what someone said about us or felt about us. Instead I find that I internalize it more than I used to, why do I allow that?

I had worked so hard to get past what my step mother told me over and over while I was growing up, I actually thought I had come to terms with that but then I just substituted that with Andrey. He demeaned me beyond belief, he made me believe that no one would ever love or want me again. I tried so hard not to believe him, I mean he is crazy! Then I lost my best friend, somebody I have known for years, that cemented it for me.

I thought why not date, yeah, not a good idea. With every rejection and there were many, it just deepened my belief that Andrey was right after all. I mean, he can't be that wrong when I cannot even maintain a friendship with someone I have been friends with well over 20 years. If this man, who has known me and loved me cannot be friends with me, how in the world can I ever have a relationship with someone else.

I understand that rejection is a part of dating, however; non stop rejection, I don't think so. I just don't think I am emotionally capable of handling this anymore. Most of me just wishes that people could be truthful and say it like it is, instead of just ignoring someone. I never just ignore someone, I am always honest, it is hard but it is only fair.

I just want to get myself back and in a good place. Otherwise, I will never be happy. I really do want to be happy and whole and loved. It's all I ever wanted, I never wished for riches, I wished for love... even when I was a little girl, making a wish in a water fountain or on a star... all the silly places you wish. I have only truly felt loved by one person in my life and that didn't last.

Family and Friends

I am very lucky that I have sisters who are so diverse, there is always one that I can talk with depending on my mood and what I want to hear. If I want the truth, no matter how much it hurts, I call my sister Shelly, if I want someone who will understand what I am going through and empathize with me I call Lisa. When I want to feel unconditional love with absolutely no judgment I call Darlene. We all need these different personalities in our lives. Too much of one can be difficult to handle, we need a little of each one these.

I adore my friends, I know that when I have an issue that I need to bounce ideas off that I can call anyone of them and find many solutions that I can then make an informed decision. I have some really great friends in my life, however; I am missing one type of friend that I have not been able to replace. I say type as I thought I had a friend like this for so many years, only to find out that she was never truly a friend.

I used to have the 'friend' that I hung out with regularly, went to movies, played games, went to dinner and went shopping with. We were a huge part of each others lives but the reality was that she really wasn't my friend, that was an extremely difficult time in my life to find out that someone that I thought of as a friend for well over 20 years was actually a fraud. She ended up hurting me more than I thought possible, maybe that is why I don't have a friend like that any longer, it hurt too much to find out it was never real.

I do miss my best friend the most though, the one that knew all my secrets and kept them, the one I could call up after years of being absent from each others lives and tell them whatever and pick up where we had left off. Now they don't talk to me and I don't know why. I have reached out over and over and they never answer. You think I would give up on this friend but I just can't, I hold out hope because I have never loved anyone more than I have loved them. They mean more to me than I can convey to anyone. Everyone tells me to move on, they don't understand the depth of feelings that I have for this person, if they did, they would never ask me to give up. With this person, I could be and was my authentic self, there are few people that we meet in our lives that we can be this real with and not be judged.

I have been blessed to have the friends that I have, I know so many people who only have a friend or two in their whole lives. I have a wide variety, sure there are ones that I consider best friends but I honestly have many good friends that I can always count on.

A judge of character

As each day goes by I find out more and more that I am a terrible judge of character. I think that I really know someone and I find out that I knew nothing about them. I have not always been that bad about people, I used to have a much better intuition before I met my ex-husband. However, since him and all the lovely things he said to tear my character down, I have made one bad judgment call after another. Now I don't know what or who to believe.

I guess I should just be alone, as sad as that will be... it's the only guarantee that I won't be duped again. I have always had a big heart and believed that love was there for anyone who really believed. Now I just don't know anymore. People are such liars and so good at it and I don't know why they would want to be? Don't we all ultimately want to be loved and cherished? It's what I've wanted all my life.

I'm taking a break for awhile and the next time I decide I might like to date, I am going to rethink it before I do it.

I am sad and disappointed that I will be alone, I never wanted this to be what happened!

Having gratitude

I have been feeling so down and so unloved lately. I need to return to having gratitude for what I have in my life and not dwell on what I don't have. If I keep focusing on what I don't have, I am sure it will consume me and my life is already out of control.

I am grateful and I feel blessed that I have two beautiful daughters that I love with my whole heart.

I am grateful for all my friends, they are always there to make me feel good and to laugh. They may have their opinions but they understand I have to do things my way even if they don't feel it is right. Then if it doesn't turn out, they are still there to give me a shoulder to cry on.

I am grateful for my job, especially in these economic times when people are losing theirs. I feel somewhat safe, I know that as long as I give my best efforts, things should work out for me.

I am grateful that when I have had hard times in the past that I always seemed to be able to weather any storm. I am hoping that the tenacity I have had in the past will help me to get through this very emotional and sad time in my life.

I am grateful that I have had dreams to aspire to, even if they didn't always work out for me, without dreams, there is nothing to work towards. This has been an extremely rough week, every dream I have had has been dashed, it is so hard to keep going when everything I have worked toward is not possible. Now I have to try to come up with another dream, just what it is that I want, I am not sure yet.

I never learn!

You think that I would have learned by now, apparently not! I must enjoy getting hurt over and over, otherwise why would I continue to believe that things can get better? When has it actually got better and stayed that way for longer then a day? Every time I think I might actually have the opportunity to have what I have always wanted in my life, it blows up in my face. Note to self: stop allowing myself to believe that there is a possibility that I could actually be happy. It doesn't matter how many positive and uplifting thoughts I think and make myself believe, reality steps in and rears it's ugly head. I don't want to get my hopes up again, every time I do, the fall is harder and honestly I don't think I am emotionally capable of handling the falls anymore.

I guess sleep didn't help me out of this rut I am in, I had hoped it was as simple as that:( Unfortunately I need a miracle to help me out of this one.

I feel like I have lost my mind! Oh that's right, I would have had to have a mind to lose. I think I actually just figured out I never had one to begin with:(

I need to snap out of this, I need to move on, I just don't know how?

What is the answer?

I am so far removed from what I want, it's like I just gave up. That is not me, I never give up ever. I am beginning to lose hope and when that is gone, what is left? What is the answer? Am I becoming jaded, is every nasty horrible thing that has ever been told to me just really the truth? I never wanted to believe it, I just thought it was other peoples issues, not mine. I try to be so honest, so open, so truthful and it always, always comes back to hurt me. I never learn, I keep up with the Pollyana attitude and keep believing that I will finally have what I have always wanted. Lately though, it has become increasingly more painful to keep myself so open. The pain it causes it way more difficult to deal with, it almost doesn't seem worth the reward.

Maybe I wasn't actually meant to be loved and cherished like I have always dreamed. If I was, wouldn't I have it by now? A small part of me wants to keep believing but it gets smaller and smaller each day. Pretty soon it will be gone, then I will be completely alone and totally sad. Won't that be fun?

Maybe all I need is some sleep, maybe then I can figure out what the answer is?

Remembering a good friend

It has been seven years today when I found out that my best friend Heather had died in a car crash when she was on the way to spend the weekend with her parents. The pain was unbearable, we had become so close over the year before she had died. She was the only one who understood what I was going through being married to Andrey as she was married to a Russian as well. We talked the night before she was to leave, had I known that, that was it... I wonder if I would have told her how important she wast to me? I took that loss harder than almost anything else in my life.

I had dealt with death with losing my grandmother in 1995, that was devastating but this was somehow harder, Heather was younger... her life ahead of her and it was SO sudden. I think of her often and how she put up with all my craziness and was still one of my best friends.

She never judged me when others were quick to tell me how to live my life, she just listened and she was always there when I realized the mistakes I had made, she never gave up on me. I was lucky and blessed to have her in my life.

She lived her life with truth and honesty. Deep down I admired her, she lived by her word, there was nothing fake about her. If you knew Heather, you knew her. She might have been sarcastic but it was never meant to hurt people, only to be funny. I can't believe it has been seven years since I have spoken to my friend and yet it feels like yesterday.

Desires

Why do we have to be afraid to say what we feel and desire? Especially if it is with someone who knows us almost as well as we know ourselves? There are very few people that you meet in your life that you let into your soul and mind, mainly because we are all afraid of having that trust destroyed, with me it isn't even that anymore, it is the fear that I would never hear from or speak with them again. I know that I still trust them with my inner most secrets as they have never told another person.

This week, I am going to start exercising... I finally want to get myself into shape and for good. Since I want to take a trip to Europe, I want to be in shape to enjoy it. I don't plan to go to the big cities, I want to go to the countrysides (yes me, go to the country sides, I know... hard to believe) but this is where the real people live, the ones you find out what the country is really like. Not the cities which can have such superficial people. I just wish I had listened better years ago, so I would know exactly where I want to go when I get there.

When the time comes closer to me going, I will find out the best places to go. I think I will shock a lot of people by first learning a language enough to get by and second, actually going on a trip to Europe by myself. I might not have to go by myself... but I will if I have to. I am not going to miss out on seeing this country, I AM going, even if I have to go by myself;)

After this trip, the sky is the limit. I want to take a trip every 3 or 4 years. I have been so closed minded most of my life, always wanting to stay in Canada. Now I can hardly wait to see the world, I am becoming so excited about the possibilities. I hope both my girls take the opportunity to go outside their little worlds and travel.