Self Esteem

Why does it seem that our self esteem always ends up being wrapped up in what other people think of us. I really thought I had become more advanced that way, I wanted to believe that it didn't matter what someone said about us or felt about us. Instead I find that I internalize it more than I used to, why do I allow that?

I had worked so hard to get past what my step mother told me over and over while I was growing up, I actually thought I had come to terms with that but then I just substituted that with Andrey. He demeaned me beyond belief, he made me believe that no one would ever love or want me again. I tried so hard not to believe him, I mean he is crazy! Then I lost my best friend, somebody I have known for years, that cemented it for me.

I thought why not date, yeah, not a good idea. With every rejection and there were many, it just deepened my belief that Andrey was right after all. I mean, he can't be that wrong when I cannot even maintain a friendship with someone I have been friends with well over 20 years. If this man, who has known me and loved me cannot be friends with me, how in the world can I ever have a relationship with someone else.

I understand that rejection is a part of dating, however; non stop rejection, I don't think so. I just don't think I am emotionally capable of handling this anymore. Most of me just wishes that people could be truthful and say it like it is, instead of just ignoring someone. I never just ignore someone, I am always honest, it is hard but it is only fair.

I just want to get myself back and in a good place. Otherwise, I will never be happy. I really do want to be happy and whole and loved. It's all I ever wanted, I never wished for riches, I wished for love... even when I was a little girl, making a wish in a water fountain or on a star... all the silly places you wish. I have only truly felt loved by one person in my life and that didn't last.