The System

I have to say... I had much more faith in our system. Boy, was I wrong, it didn't matter that I am a coherent and intelligent person and the other person is considered  irrational.  A judge felt that the irrational person should be given the benefit of the doubt. I wish men could go through what woman go through. They might think differently, at least I will not have to answer to anyone for my actions or decisions on that matter... I would not want to be the person who made that decision and if so, I would hope there will be no repercussions.

I have my own things that I have to deal with but I also know that I have had to deal with much more than I ever thought possible. Pretty sure that I am not dealing with it the best but what else can I do... there are so many ways I can self destruct and I am trying to choose the things that will cause the least issues. Although, truth be told, there is no way to choose things that are not what we are supposed to chose and to make them right.  I just don't know how to move on.

I honestly don't know if I can move forward, not with some of the outcomes I have had to deal with! I know I am supposed to be the bigger and smarter person but it's not enough to know it, I don't feel it.  I feel like a small inadequate person with no say and I don't like that feeling. It means I am not in control, when did I give up the control, why did I give it up?

So now, all I am trying to do is fill voids that seem like bottomless pits, nothing ever seems to fill them up and make them better. Will I just ever feel okay again, I have to believe that one day I will, one day I will know that my worth is more than this. It just seems that now is not that time.

Why do I say this, because if someone I have been friends with pretty well half of my life cannot let me be a part of their life, it makes me wonder if I can ever feel normal again. I want to feel right again, I just don't know how.