Free

I wonder why we allow ourselves to be enslaved by things?  I have been working hard to free myself of all the painful words I have allowed myself to believe over the years and of all the things I have put into my body so that I could deal with the pain.

None of it worked however, the pain was always there, underneath, controlling me.  So, instead I have been cleaning myself up slowly of all the toxic things I have allowed in my life and what has it left, the pain. It's raw and real but what I have learned is that as bad as it is, it's not nearly as bad as trying to cover it.

I am reading, actually studying a book that has helped me change. It opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself, now I just cry and deal with the pain. I don't try to eat it away, like I have in the past.  I want to pay attention to what I am feeling, so that I can recognize and grow from where I have been.  Instead of burying myself so deep, trying to hide.

Each new day is a gift, yes it is hard.  I would never say it is easy but atleast I am active in my life and not just viewing it through a hazy mind. 

I have many goals, two big ones, one is definitely attainable by the end of this month.  Valentina is coming home, I want to be the mother that she needs and loves. I was so lost for so long I couldn't be anything for anyone but now there is a light.

The other is to be with the man that I love, this is a bit harder as it hinges on him too but I believe it can happen if I stay strong, focused and remember that I totally deserve to be loved and that I am a good, kind and loving person.  Unfortunately he met me at my worst but I can show him the different person I have become. 

People have commented on how giddy I am and I really am. Sure, I have bad times still, now I allow myself to feel that pain then I move ahead.  The old me would have wallowed in it and stagnated, no longer will I allow things like that to drag me down.

I am grateful that I have been inspired to change how I feel about me, it's a long road, not done overnight but it is something that I am conscious of daily.  I stop and think when I say something negative and then I don't degrade myself for the negative thought but I change it to be as positive as I can be.

I am a work in progress but I am on the right road<3