Making Changes

Wow, so last night I was upset and I wrote all my inner thoughts, not that I didn't want to write them down. I just didn't want to write it down like that. That's me, I hold things in until all of a sudden I just blow and say it, then I calm down and then I reflect on what I have done or said, I always have to deal with the aftermath.

I am just not the type of woman that can hold everything in, if you know me, then you will really know me. I am not a woman that hides her feelings or holds on to secrets. I am more like take me or leave me and although that can be hard for me handle, it is the only way I can be.

It's also the only way I know how to love, there is no such thing as part way with me. I think that is why I have only given my heart twice in my life.  I loved Tony for over 20 years and I finally got over that, of course he had to hurt me beyond repair for me to finally get over him.  I never fully loved Andrey, I actually think I felt sorry for him, until he felt the need to destroy me for caring about him.

I also know you cannot be in love someone unless they are in love with you too but it doesn't stop me from liking someone and having feelings for them. I am extremely realistic when it comes to who I care about, even if people think I am not. Those people do not know me, if they did they would now that I don't have pie in the sky notions about what the future could hold.

I guess we are all entitled to have an off day and not being completely positive all the time.  I think I really needed to write what I did last night. Mostly because I have to get past the fear that if someone knows what happened to me that they won't understand and they will leave me. The truth is that if somebody doesn't understand then I don't want them in my life.  I am better than that, I deserve to have someone love me regardless of what my past holds, I would and will love someone no matter what there past holds and I mean no matter what.

I would never ever judge a person for something that happened that they had no control over, I had no control over what happened to me. Some things happen in life, it is never enough for me to stop loving them.  The only thing that could make me stop loving someone is what Tony and Andrey did to me. Tony blamed me for what happened to me then cut me off because he couldn't handle it, Andrey raped me when he wanted to hurt me and to make sure I knew that he had the control. Trust and honesty is important to me and being there when I need you as I am more than willing to be there when you need me.