Never Settle

When I stopped being a victim about my past relationships, I was open to a healthy loving one. I pondered my past relationships and learned the lessons they were meant to bring.  This really made me see, people are in our lives for a reason, we just have to figure out why. 

Being empowered is so much better then living in fear. I don't fear losing this man I'm with, we both feel grateful to have found each other.  We want to be together because we actually like each other, we feel the other person is interesting.

What a novice idea for me and most woman. A man who loves us for ourselves, no games involved. I would never settle for less in the future.

I had to know for myself that I was worthy of real love, when I did, he appeared or re appeared.  This man is my high school crush and since he's always been kind and honest, I can believe him when he tells me loves me.

Settling is sad and if all people could feel real love, they'd want nothing less!

I Won't Give Into Fear

It amazes me daily that when I have a negative thought, it doesn't last because I see it for what it is, fear. I refuse to live in fear ever again, I want to do things that I swore I would never do when I was younger.  I want to show that girl she was so much stronger than she ever believed.

She never believed that having someone truly love her was a possibility, wow... I was so afraid of never having it that I pushed it away and I did things to prove I was lovable and put up with things that I never should have tolerated.  I am so grateful though, if I had not went through that journey, I wouldn't be where I am right now.

I wouldn't trade my experiences in the past because I may not be where I am now and be who I am with.  I have someone now who I believe, he's honest, kind, caring, thoughtful, sweet, loving... he is what every woman would want in their life.  I want him in my life because he's led me to believe that I too am someone he can believe, trust, feel safe with.  I wish everyone could have that, it is better than any love we attempt to fill our lives with in the past and present.

A Christmas wish I have had for many years was to have a calm, happy and relaxed Christmas.  I am getting that and I get David with it, he's right, we are both lucky to have found each other.

I have goals again, I've had a desire to travel... I am planning for that to happen now.  I have many things that I want to do, I am looking forward to everything. I love that I feel so alive, I love that I believe in myself and mostly I love that I don't give into fear.

Changing How We Believe

 I was reading over some of my tweets last night and there are ones there that are from July about how happy I was with the road I was on as I felt it was leading to something special.  I had no idea what or who that special something was but it ended up being someone I never dreamed possible came back into my life.

I realized that I truly had just enjoyed the present time then, I was very happy, I didn't know how much happier I could feel and be.  I gave up that the past could be any different and I am reaching out to the little girl inside me who has felt so alone for so long.  I hope for the future but I don't look for it to make me happy~!~

I look to the present and I accept what is right there in front of me, when I found David there a while back, I almost couldn't believe it was real.  He's made me believe I am deserving of all that he offers me.  We are all worthy of love and worthy of having our dreams. I will never give up on what I know to be true.

I love the words from the song 'Feels Like Home' especially the following verse:

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me

And how long I've waited for your touch

And if you knew how happy you are making me

I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

I truly believe that we just have to put ourselves out there each day and follow the path we know we were meant to be on, if we do this, we cannot help but be happy.  Do I think we can be happy all the time?  I do believe that how we react to the difficult things in life decides how happy we will be.  It's because we we honestly believe ourselves and what we tell ourselves.  When we tell ourselves we are not worthy of love, it's true, we make that happen but when we open ourselves to the possibility of love, it manifests itself in ways you never could have hoped for.

For this moment I will be happy, this moment is all I have:).  Wishing anything different would mean I was losing out on some really wonderful blessings in my right here and right now.

Believe What You See

I heard something powerful that resonated with me tonight.  I'm sure I've heard it before but it never reached me until this time in my life.

It was stated that we need to believe what people show us about themselves because if we don't we will be allowing them to take small pieces of ourselves. After knowing them we will be less then what we were.

That is exactly what I have allowed many men to do to me over and over throughout the years. I refused to believe when people showed their true selves to me.

I finally got that ah ha moment tonight because I have the sweetest kindest man in my life now. He has shown me himself and he has been nothing but sweet and uplifting to me.

I realized I had such little self esteem in the past that I couldn't see that I had allowed men to push me even lower.  I have been thinking and trying to remember when I started believing it was okay for men to treat me badly.

I don't remember the precise moment but I'm sure it was something small, something I let slide that I shouldn't have.   I don't want my youngest daughter to ever think that kind of behavior is okay.

I'm grateful that I finally have a gentleman in my life, someone who makes me feel like a prize. I never knew that could exist but it does. I just had to believe.

The Past is Not Who I Am

I have been having some wonderful overpowering feelings that have taken me by surprise. Feelings that I was sure I would not or could not have again, I mean I am close to 50 years old and I thought that was all in the past.

I was completely surprised that I could have all those thoughts and feelings and that they were even more intense than before. I have been pondering how this could be and I realized that it's not that we cannot have those feelings, it's that we have become jaded and closed off.  Too afraid to open up, too afraid to be hurt.

When you look at the world with the eyes of a child and just let your heart feel, you cannot help but be happy in your life.  It's when you let the hardships of life drag you down and allow you to become negative that you start to grow old in your thoughts.  Yes it is scary, but really it's so worth it for even a moment of the pure joy you feel.

Also, you never know where it can lead, maybe to something you never thought possible.  Maybe it is a path you are supposed to be on to lead you to where you are supposed to be.

I have stopped questioning my past decisions, they have led me to where I am right now and where I am right now is amazing.  So yes, I haven't always made great choices but I learned so much from each and every choice. From all those decisions, I realized I only wanted the best in my life, nothing part way, all the way or nothing.

Having anything part way is really having nothing!  Living my life open, honest, giving and allowing myself to follow my heart is the only way I want to live anymore. I suppose the falls can be hard and scary but I don't care, just getting by is not living, it is existing and I don't want to just exist, I want to live fully.

Euphoric Happiness

 I always felt that I was a very authentic person, if you know me, you really know. I know this because I talk a lot lol ;)

I realized that I have actually guarded myself and hid what I thought people may not have approved of. We all do it to degrees in our relationships.

Have you ever opened up to someone fully and felt accepted no matter what you said?  If you have, then you have found what I have found, that is euphoric happiness:).

I want everyone to have that euphoric happiness and cherish it because it's not a feeling that comes around that often.  I for one won't take it for granted, however; I also know that I am worthy, good enough and deserving. I finally believe that:).

When I learned to love myself amazing things happened.  I now give myself a break when I mess up, I can learn and improve.

Don't settle for less, I never will again:).

Life Changing

For the past 3 years of my life, I made a conscious decision to be as upbeat and happy as I possibly could. There were days I failed miserably but I didn't give up, more and more it became easier to smile, laugh and be positive.

I followed a path I knew I was meant to follow, many people thought I was crazy. That was okay with me, I knew I was doing what I was supposed to do. Other people worried I was giving too much of myself and not getting anything in return.

It was not too long after I came to realize I never did this for what I could get, I did this because I cared.

So what does this all mean, it means that because I followed the path I knew I must take. It made me happy to give of myself to help another. This in turn came out in my updates and chatting, which drew a very special person to me.

The last few months of my life have been wonderful which has lead to the last couple of weeks where I have had even greater happiness than I thought possible.

I want to continue on this path, in the beginning I faked it a little but it wasn't very long after that the happiness was real and it just became easier. I know it was because I was so grateful for what I have, I am really blessed.

Judgements

 The other night I was thinking about my mother, I never grew up with her or knew much of her until I was 15,  I had only vague memories of her but all of them were good.  Like the time I didn't get off at the right bus stop and I put so much fear on my mother, I remember how loving and worried she was, I knew I was loved.  Well, when I reconnected with her, we really connected.  I could talk to her about everything and anything.

Then things changed when I had my second daughter Valentina, I wondered how my mother could possibly have abandoned me when I was so small and vulnerable and then actually raise my youngest sister.  Well, the other night I thought who am I to judge my mother?  My goodness, I have not been the best mother but I have loved my children.

My mother may have not been the perfect mother but she was my mother and I know she loved me and wanted the best for me, she wanted me to be happy.  Isn't that what we really want for our children.

Yes my life growing up as a child was abusive and difficult but I over came it, there was no way that I was going to be defined by my ex step mother Ruth.  She was wrong about us, we didn't just survive we thrived.  We all raised strong, beautiful children.  I attest my strength to overcome my childhood to my mother in many ways, she had me for my most informative years and she always made me feel loved and wanted when I was around her.

I had that memory to get me through, so who am I to judge my mother when she gave me a strong foundation of love to begin with.  I have stumbled but I have never given up completely.  I have come to a point in my life that I understand that nothing is black and white, nothing.

I love my mother and I am glad that I told her that often.

Beauty is Individual

 I have been reconnecting with my high school crush, he was the dreamy boy I would let my mind wander about when I was in grade 10 Biology and Math.  He had blonde hair and blue eyes and the most amazing smile.  He used that smile often, I just had to see his face and I would light up.

I found him on Facebook a little over 3 years ago and we chatted off and on, he was always easy to talk to and laugh with.  Suddenly our whole relationship changed on a dime, it was like a whirlwind and so amazing.  We have talked often and really my face hurts from all the smiling.

The other night I told him that I only deserved the best and that he was that, he then said to me, have you ever thought it was me that deserves you?  I seriously almost melted.  I have never thought of myself as beautiful, yes I can be attractive but I had never really believed I was beautiful.  He makes me believe that I am though.

I can believe that he feels this about me because of his honest character and kindness his whole life.  He lives the way he talks, I adore that about him.  He believes in being kind and caring and even though he has had difficulties through out his life, he still continues to be kind and hopeful that all people are not just out for themselves.

There's a song that I think of when I am thinking about him

All I Have

You can say you love me

And I'll believe that's true

Trusting you is easy

'Cause I believe in you

There is nothing I would miss

As long as we're in love like this

CHORUS:

All I have is all I need

And it all comes down to you and me

How far away this world becomes

In the harbor of each others arms

I feel like I've known you forever and ever

Baby that's how close we are

Right here with you is where my life has come together

And where love has filled my heart

You know I'd go anywhere

As long as I have you to care

CHORUS

Ooh-and with the love you bring

I never want for anything

I found what I've been searching for in you

CHORUS

I am so excited for the future and he's right, I am beautiful because I am so beautiful on the inside.

The Truth

The truth is what we all ask for yet we don't seem to really want it. For when we get it, we keep trying to live the dream.

I know that I am where I am supposed to be in my life right now, I have never been so sure of anything in my life. So when you are so sure of where you are, it's hard to accept it's not the whole dream.

What do I want?  What does anyone want? To be loved, accepted and heard. I don't think it's asking for much, I am worth that much.

I think having to deal with a fire and the scars that came with it, to an abusive step mother, to being a single mom at 18, to marrying Andrey who took away my self esteem and then raped me.

Seriously, getting through all that makes me happy that I was strong enough to survive what life threw at me.

Also in this past year or so, I came to realize that I can have what I want, the possibilities are endless. I just always had to believe, which I do now. I love my life, I am grateful for all my blessings.

The truth although painful is always better then a lie. So whenever you ask a question be prepared for the answer.

Thoughts About Myself

I had a chat with a friend tonight who I realized is frantic to get through to me. Which made me wonder if everyone feels the same way? Does everyone think I am wearing rose colored glasses?

I have just been feeling SO euphoric lately, you know that kind of happiness and joy that is so amazing you just know that the memories attached to the euphoria will always be imprinted in your mind. Tonight though after being questioned and then really thinking about it, I began to wonder if maybe all the euphoria is worth it. Then I guess that is really the decision we are all trying to make in our lives.

If we are totally honest with ourselves and the older I get the more honest I am with myself. Aren't we all just looking to be happy? Don't we all just want to have joy filled days? I know that's what I want for myself, my children, people I love and my friends. I just want them to be happy. If I can help someone else to be happy than I will be filled with joy. I love myself for being me and not worrying about what everyone will think of me, I am truly happy in my life, the kind of happiness that makes me radiate. People have even said they have never seen me so happy.

I know everyone worries about the inevitable fall but isn't all that joy and happiness worth it? It is to me. I'm so much stronger than I used to be, I feel like I can handle what may come my way. It's amazing to me that I don't fear what the future holds because I'm pretty sure it's wonderful;) I promised myself that I would stop regretting the mistakes I've made or will make as all things in life make me who I am today and who I'll be in the future.

I am a kind, loving, grateful, thoughtful, stubborn, funny, tenacious, dramatic, loyal, interesting and so much more. Basically I'm a very good person who learns and grows from all her challenges.

Challenges can come in many different packages but they all give us the opportunity to grow.

Jack Layton

I was totally shocked when a colleague told me that Jack Layton had died today.  I mean I knew he was sick but I was totally unaware of how sick he was.  I have always like the NDP for my political party and today I can explain why.  Jack Layton grabbed my attention immediately, it takes a lot for me as I rarely watch the news or read the paper.  I hear everything from a great friend who follows the news and now I get it from Facebook and Twitter.  He was an amazing man and it is all in his letter, my hope is that all Canadians will read the letter and be as touched by it as I was.  Jack wrote what all NDP's believe in and I believe they can be the future government just as Jack Layton believed.

I am placing a copy of his letter here on my blog so I can look back and read it whenever I want.



August 20, 2011
Toronto, Ontario
Dear Friends,
Tens of thousands of Canadians have written to me in recent weeks to wish me well. I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful, inspiring and often beautiful notes, cards and gifts. Your spirit and love have lit up my home, my spirit, and my determination.
Unfortunately my treatment has not worked out as I hoped. So I am giving this letter to my partner Olivia to share with you in the circumstance in which I cannot continue.
I recommend that Hull-Aylmer MP Nycole Turmel continue her work as our interim leader until a permanent successor is elected.
I recommend the party hold a leadership vote as early as possible in the New Year, on approximately the same timelines as in 2003, so that our new leader has ample time to reconsolidate our team, renew our party and our program, and move forward towards the next election.
A few additional thoughts:
To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and to live their lives, I say this: please don’t be discouraged that my own journey hasn’t gone as well as I had hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimistic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer.
To the members of my party: we’ve done remarkable things together in the past eight years. It has been a privilege to lead the New Democratic Party and I am most grateful for your confidence, your support, and the endless hours of volunteer commitment you have devoted to our cause. There will be those who will try to persuade you to give up our cause. But that cause is much bigger than any one leader. Answer them by recommitting with energy and determination to our work. Remember our proud history of social justice, universal health care, public pensions and making sure no one is left behind. Let’s continue to move forward. Let’s demonstrate in everything we do in the four years before us that we are ready to serve our beloved Canada as its next government.
To the members of our parliamentary caucus: I have been privileged to work with each and every one of you. Our caucus meetings were always the highlight of my week. It has been my role to ask a great deal from you. And now I am going to do so again. Canadians will be closely watching you in the months to come. Colleagues, I know you will make the tens of thousands of members of our party proud of you by demonstrating the same seamless teamwork and solidarity that has earned us the confidence of millions of Canadians in the recent election.
To my fellow Quebecers: On May 2nd, you made an historic decision. You decided that the way to replace Canada’s Conservative federal government with something better was by working together in partnership with progressive-minded Canadians across the country. You made the right decision then; it is still the right decision today; and it will be the right decision right through to the next election, when we will succeed, together. You have elected a superb team of New Democrats to Parliament. They are going to be doing remarkable things in the years to come to make this country better for us all.
To young Canadians: All my life I have worked to make things better. Hope and optimism have defined my political career, and I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about Canada. Young people have been a great source of inspiration for me. I have met and talked with so many of you about your dreams, your frustrations, and your ideas for change. More and more, you are engaging in politics because you want to change things for the better. Many of you have placed your trust in our party. As my time in political life draws to a close I want to share with you my belief in your power to change this country and this world. There are great challenges before you, from the overwhelming nature of climate change to the unfairness of an economy that excludes so many from our collective wealth, and the changes necessary to build a more inclusive and generous Canada. I believe in you. Your energy, your vision, your passion for justice are exactly what this country needs today. You need to be at the heart of our economy, our political life, and our plans for the present and the future.
And finally, to all Canadians: Canada is a great country, one of the hopes of the world. We can be a better one – a country of greater equality, justice, and opportunity. We can build a prosperous economy and a society that shares its benefits more fairly. We can look after our seniors. We can offer better futures for our children. We can do our part to save the world’s environment. We can restore our good name in the world. We can do all of these things because we finally have a party system at the national level where there are real choices; where your vote matters; where working for change can actually bring about change. In the months and years to come, New Democrats will put a compelling new alternative to you. My colleagues in our party are an impressive, committed team. Give them a careful hearing; consider the alternatives; and consider that we can be a better, fairer, more equal country by working together. Don’t let them tell you it can’t be done.
My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.
All my very best,
Jack Layton

Feeling Content

I have always wanted to just feel content, I do now.  Part of my desire was to feel content with someone, it seemed to elude me so much in my life. In this past year though, I realized that I would never feel content with anyone if I didn't feel it within myself.  Much the same way that people state that no one will ever love you if you never love yourself.

Why I wanted contentment though was mostly because I have had so much drama and craziness in my life, from having to live and grow up with the step mother from hell, to being a single mom at 18 and living on assistance, to marrying Andrey and going through untold abuse.  All I ever wanted was calmness and peace in my life.

I found that finally and I found it in me to begin with, now I have it with someone.  I feel so relaxed, I am not constantly worried that I will do or say the wrong thing.  It's such an amazing feeling, it's all I ever want to feel.  People are brought into our lives for a reason, it's all in deciding what we learn from these people to make knowing them great.

I have learned that there are people who are calm, easy going, sweet... the list could go on forever, I now know that I will never want any less than this in the future, all because I decided to listen to a prompt and do what I know needed to be done.  I also am well aware that things in life don't always last forever but when you learn something about yourself that changes you, it makes it completely worthwhile.

I love feeling content, it makes me extremely happy!!  What I have been chasing all my life, was always there but I never believed it.  Now I do and I know that it can always be there, I am content with me.

Believing I'm Worthy

It's lovely to be so content, something I've always wanted, that I never seemed to be able to achieve! This makes me happy.

Once I actually received what I most desired, it was only then that I finally realized the truth I wish I had always known.
I am a kind, gentle, loving, thoughtful, sweet and very caring person. I deserve the best, I won't aim for anything less. I love myself, I am worthy of love. The true and lasting kind and I will have it. I know that I will have it because I finally believe it. Unfortunately it is not something women in their 20's and 30's believe about themselves.

I won't continue to look back with regret for the past as everything in my life brought me to this point in time. The point where I have what I want, I am content with my life, I am enjoying the peace. It's wonderful not to worry about what the future holds, not to be thinking can I make this feeling last and the answer is yes:)

I know this doesn't mean I won't have challenges in the future but I am looking at these differently. My next challenges will get me to my ultimate goal. The one where I end up getting to travel to Italy, Spain, Portugal and many other places. My next goal will have that ability.

This whole month has been amazing, my first grandson Jackson Lukka was born on July 18th at 6:52 am. He weighed 7 lbs and 15 ozs and was 20 inches long. He's beyond adorable. Also my youngest daughter graded into grade three French Immersion, she is so sweet and I'm so proud of her. I am very lucky to have such an easy going kind daughter.

I will have all that I've dreamed, it is all possible as long as I believe. I have asked, I have believed and I have received. <3

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Quotes And Thoughts

I have been thinking about the quote that goes something like this, changing your outlook if you don't like the way your life is.  I can't remember it word for word and I have too many archived to find it, lol. I believe this to be true, my life is not all perfect but I am truly happy, that kind of happiness where you just feel gratitude, love, peaceful and calming. I smile so much, I can't help myself, All because I decided to change my outlook and it worked amazingly.

As everyone who actually knows me, knows that I am a quote alcoholic, I have them e-mailed to me, twittered to me, I love ones that make you ponder them.  I think about how much love I feel for everything from Valentina, Andrea, Paul, Jackson, family and friends to actually loving my job.  I am less afraid of work, I have always liked it but actually I am loving it, I am beyond friendly, I extend myself to the clients, it makes me a better team player.

I love my night time with Valentina, she talks about her day and she has so many stories, she is genuinely funny and I love how she giggles. My change has made me a more attentive mother, actually taking the time with her to help her unwind before she goes to sleep. Then she sleeps better and she wakes up in a good mood and then has a good day.  So, I am working on being more attentive at bedtime, since it is time I have to spend with her, helps her to have better days.

I miss interacting with my oldest more often but distance is sometimes hard to overcome, is she were here, I could just go to her place and check in but distance makes that very difficult. It doesn't stop me from loving her, praying for her and of course Paul and Jackson. I love the little family she has, I am proud of the young woman she has become.

Also, I am grateful and thankful for the opportunities I have had to give, whether it is talking to a friend you haven't spoken to in few years to sending out a quick e-mail or finding something to look forward to, so that when you reach that goal, you can enjoy it and than create another goal.  Making a goal to look forward to gives you something to reach for and then completely enjoy once you achieve it but then you always have to follow it up with something bigger so that you don't become bored.

Anyhow, quotes have helped me to gain the desire to make goals because many of them make me think and ponder and then actually change my thought pattern.  Then I even reached one of those goals, I am ecstatic.  However; I have already made another goal, one that is pretty big but I know I will attain it, it won't happen tomorrow but it will definitely happen.

Calm Anticipation

I am not even sure I want to write, I just felt like there was something I wanted to say. Usually I have a complete thought that I build on but today, I just felt like writing.

I am all jumpy inside, trying to calm myself down, I am loving all the energy I have today. When I wrote out my list of housework, normally I would be freaking out and overwhelmed with the list but today I feel different, I can't wait to get it all completed, it will be nice to have it accomplished. It has been so nice for me to be working on organizing myself, I feel calmer.

Work is going better, I made it to tier two and never ever would have believed that would happen but I did and I am actually doing well at it.  I can see me getting better and better each day, I am enjoying the challenges much more.  I am looking forward to learning more each day.

My oldest Andrea is due to have her baby Jackson Lukka, This is both an exciting and scary time for her and Paul, They are going to be amazing parents since they are amazing people. I love them both and I love Jackson and he isn't even born yet but he's a part of them, so I love him.

Valentina is to doing great, she graded to grade 3 French Immersion, I am so proud of her, she will be bilingual and it will open so many more doors for her. So, no matter how tough it is, I am going to encourage her and get her tutors if needed to keep her there, I want the best for her, she is an amazing little girl who will be and amazing woman just like her sister.

Anyhow, I guess I did have things to say.  I feel like I am bursting inside with so much excitement, I can barely handle it.  So many good things on the way, life is good and only getting better.  I am glad that I never stopped believing that life would or could be better and sometimes we get what we want. It feels great to have my voice back, meaning saying what I feel and not being afraid.

I am a survivor and not a victim, I will not allow the past to define me, I am not my past.  People can change and be better, that is what life is all about, change. Well, time to get working, I want to have a little relax time tonight.

Swing Highs

I've been extremely happy lately, for over a week straight. Very little has got me down. The only way I can explain it would be to liken it to something.

Do you remember when you were a kid, swinging on the swings?  Dropping your head back to make your belly feel funny but it made you feel great too?  Multiply that feeling by at least 10 fold and imagine having it almost all the time.

Well, that's what I feel like, it feels amazing. I want it to last forever but I know that it can't. I just want the memory of that feeling, I want to feel that good again for awhile.

It's been a long time since I felt this good, this optimistic and this positive. I am long over due in my life for a peaceful, calm and kind time period. Everyone needs that in their life at one time or another.

My life has been so chaotic for the past ten years of my life, too much drama!  I am so looking forward to a peaceful time in my life. I wish everyone could have that opportunity<3<3<3

On The Way

I am on the way, on a path I have long known that I was to follow.  Am I a little afraid, sure... but not to the point of not wanting to take the path.  I love where I am at in my life right now, I like that I am more motivated than I have been in a very long time.

I spent this last week, trying to keep organized so that I could spend time actually cleaning this week.  I was finally able to clean the kitchen floor, stove and fridge.  It looks so good out there, just making me want to do more.  I have purged so much and it feels so good, so energized. 

This week ahead is going to be so busy but it will all be worth it in the end, I will be ready for the next chapter of my life.  The next thing I need to do is start studying for my PCP.  If I am to make headway with work, I need to put more effort out there.  That will be my challenge trying to balance, home, work and fun, I can't allow myself to let it overwhelm me again.  I just need to focus better.

This whole next month is going to be exciting, Andrea will be delivering Jackson Lukka, I hope she and I can work things out sooner than later, I really want to be able to have a relationship with her. She is very important to me, I love her so much. We had question posed at work the other day about who we admired in our lives.  I chose Andrea, she amazes me with how far she has come.  She did not become a statistic of her circumstances, she rised above it all and made something of herself and fell in love with the love of her life. I am extremely proud of her.

I am also watching Valentina grow into a young woman, she is so kind and caring... I want the best for her, I want to nurture her kindness so that she will always be the strong and kind person that she is now. I have been blessed with two wonderful daughters, I am extremely grateful and thankful.

I feel creative

It has been a very long time since I blogged, I have felt that I have been lacking creativity.  I couldn't even think of anything to write. Today is different though, I finally feel like writing again.  I had a pretty awesome day today.  I have been spending so much time organizing, cleaning and getting myself on a bit of a schedule.  Which I most certainly needed to do as I was in such a deep rut and my house told the story.

So, for the past month or so, I have done nothing but organize me and my home.  I have been working toward a goal, a goal that might have been realized today. I have been so goal oriented ever since I heard someone say that to find happiness you had to find your passion, your reason for being where you are in your life.

I found one answer to a path I knew I was destined to be on and now I have an opportunity to fulfill a goal I was meant to have. I don't think anyone of us was only meant to be here for one reason and one reason only. We were meant to be here for many reasons, to help out many people and to accept help when you need it. I have been so blessed to be able to be on the end of both accepting help and giving help.  I know how grateful the person who is getting help and it makes me feel so good to give to know that I have helped another person.

Not so sure where I go from full filling that goal but I know it will be where ever I am meant to go, I love that I am open and ready for whatever may come along. That's all we can really do while we are here, to just notice each other, care about one another and love each other. We all just want to know that someone sees us, cares about us and possibly loves us.

I feel so grateful, so at peace with what life will offer and what I have now.  I want to feel this good all the time but sadly that is not possible, for without sadness you cannot appreciate the happiness. I just have to be stronger when the unhappy times comes and keep positive as I know that happiness will be around the corner soon;)

What Happened In Your Birth Year?

http://whathappenedinmybirthyear.com/

I thought this might be fun, so I clicked on the link and entered my year.  It was fascinating to read all about what happened the year I was born. Also different things that were important about my life. So many memories, one cute one was that when I was 7 I saw the Aristocats... I loved that movie when I was a child. When I have a few moments to just sit and read other years, I am going to read my daughters years and few other ones I am interested in.

This little link just made me sit up and think, especially the last line of 'What path have you taken?' I realized that I haven't even been on a path lately. I've been in limbo, so indecisive.  I seem incapable of making any life decisions, heck I can barely handle the small decisions.  I think that I think too much, my mind never lets me have any down time. I need to get some rest though, I need to feel better.

I think that is part of the reason I have an infection in my leg.  I haven't been coping with the stressful issues in my life, so I have been internalizing it and so it comes out with an infection in my leg.  My body has to get rid of the bad stuff from my body.  So, I wonder why I torture my body like that?  I really have to make a concerted effort to look after myself.

Well, I think I have had another eye opener, hopefully this will get me on the path.  Sometimes it seems that I need to get the eye opener a few times. I know one of the side effects of getting on the path is that I have to deal with the pain, all of it.  Not sure I can handle all the ramifications that come with dealing with all that old pain, the stuff I love to try to hide.

Hiding isn't helping me anymore though, hiding is hurting me.  I have thought so little of myself for too many years.  Lately I have not been myself, I have been jumpy, cranky, impatient, sad and so many more not so great feelings. I don't like feeling that way, so that means I have to do something to change it. I am the only one that can change my circumstances. Some decisions are SO hard to make though.  I have so much to think about.

Just Pray

I had an epiphany after talking to my oldest daughter tonight, she is wise beyond her years.  We somehow started talking about prayer and how she knew Heavenly Father wanted to hear from her no matter what anyone thought, I agreed, but that I felt that He was disappointed in me.  She spoke right up and said He might be disappointed but He wants to hear from you, he loves you no matter what. I realized how I missed knowing that, for such a long time, I have been lost and living my life different than what I knew before.

So, I am going to take my daughter's words of wisdom and just pray, explain that I might not be ready to just change my life around but that I still wanted to talk to Him too. I feel good already. I had a pretty rough week, I wanted to blog all week but craziness was getting in the way, Monday I was beyond ill and had to leave work, I slept for 13 hours. Tuesday I was off sick, nothing accomplished, Wednesday was insane at work, zapped my energy, Thursday was a good day when I was able to have a light bulb moment except that work was crazy again. Lastly today, was good just because I am taking 4 days off.

I have a lot of decisions to make, I am taking the next 4 days to get back on tract.  What I mean by that is one taking action to lose weight, two to get my house organized (which I have already started, 6 hours last Saturday and I totally de-cluttered my bedroom of so much junk ;)  and three to continue to find my voice and believe that I am of worth. That last one is the hardest one of all, since I allowed Andrey to take my worth by allowing him to demean me with words, then letting the little pushes be okay, the endless cheating, the fear when he was drinking.  It feels good to be strong again and to feel in control, I am grateful that I am at least beginning to feel some worth. I aspire to feel full worth.

Why Do I Hold On?

I would love to understand why I hold on when it is obvious to everyone else around me that I should let go?  Maybe if I could figure this out then I might be able to move forward, every time I think, move on... I am drawn back in.  Sometimes I feel like a puppet, some people would just have to say jump and I would be saying how high?  Is this the way I want to be for the rest of my life?  Deep down I want more, maybe I don't feel like I deserve more.

Maybe I just care too much when I shouldn't.  I am not the type of woman to love easily, it means opening my heart to possible pain.  So, I have only loved twice in my life and the first one ended terribly, the second one not much better. I think going forward I don't want to love again, the pain is too much to deal with, I know this may mean that I end up alone and I don't want this. However; not sure how I could deal with another loss, another disappointment? 

I need to change my mindset, I have listened to too many people about how I don't deserve it all, from my step mother to my ex husband. Words are so hurtful and they cut you deep in your psyche, just when you think you have overcome them, along comes the little doubts.  Then it is almost like my reality is what other people have said, instead of what I know it can be.

I had to take the day off as my sitter was ill, I had hoped that I would have the energy that I had yesterday and get the rest of the house work done... I was able to do a little but nothing like I did yesterday.  I am going to take one day of my weekend to finish getting organized, mainly my room.  I want to make it comfortable as I want it to be my retreat.

People Never Cease To Amaze Me

I often wonder how people think they can play games and either not be caught or if they are, they think they can get away with it, just because of who they are.  I would like to tell those people, you haven't got away with anything nor have the games gone undetected by me. I am a lot smarter than people think I am, I know more than they would think I would know.

It just frustrates me when it becomes clear that people think games are better then honesty, really?  I am hear to say that just isn't true, being honest is always better. If you are honest, you could move on... game paying just stagnates you.  Don't you want to grow and become a better person, you can't when there are lies.

I had a me weekend and although rather boring, I did accomplish a lot more than I thought was possible.  First and foremost, I took time to get my hair done and my eyebrows, amazing how that can make a person feel better. So, since my plans fell through last night, grrrr... I went to bed early, got up this morning and cleaned more than I have in months.  I turned on music and it gave me time to think, clear my head while I actually got things organized.

I am also going to try to have a much better attitude at work this week even though I don't feel confident. I just don't like looking stupid when it comes to new applications, I will just have to work at it and hopefully it all becomes clear and I will finally understand it.

Cooking is on the agenda once I get the laundry all washed... where does all the dirty laundry come from?  lol.  I swear it piles up on it's own, lol.... same as dishes;).  Housework is not my forte but unfortunately it needs to be done. I want to cook a large spaghetti, it's easy and Valentina loves it.

Having A Voice

Although I am no where near where I want to be, I at least see myself on a path. The past couple of weeks I have gained my voice back. First I stood up for myself in family court against my ex, second I allowed myself to open up about how I have had to deal with my ex and all the ramifications of that relationship, I feel stronger. Third and most important is that I want better for myself, I don't just want second best, the reason I ended up with my ex is that I accepted less than I deserved.

We all deserve better and we shouldn't accept any less than that.  This has all helped me to be in a happier mood, not one that is holding on to the past. I am sure I will have more hard days but these last few weeks I have felt like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It has taken me almost three years since that awful night for me to finally see a light. 

I am not going to sit back any longer, I am going to be using my voice and standing up for myself whenever the need arises.  This was truly who I was before I met Andrey, before I allowed him to take that away from me.  It must be shocking to Andrey that I am standing up to him, not letting him control me. I don't want anyone to control me and in turn I don't want to control anyone else.

I lost my passion for life when I met Andrey and allowed him to be my voice. When I did that, I gave up dreaming and hoping for better. I am finally feeling like dreaming and hoping and most of all, I am looking for passion.  I want to find the things I know that will uplift me and help me to grow. I never want to give away my voice again. I almost gave away myself... no one should ever do that.

Getting Excited For Spring

I'm starting to feel a change in myself, a good change. I can feel that spring is close by, which is making me want to set goals, to walk and exercise more, both me and Valentina.  I know that once I start exercising for an hour or so every evening, I am sure I will be able to sleep better which will help improve my mood for the good. So, I am excited, change can be so good. It can make life so wonderful.

Also, I am looking forward to spending that time with Valentina with no distractions. She and I can take the time to bond more, we are already so close now and it could only make it better. Plus this summer Andrea and Paul are having their first child, yippee.   I am so excited for both of them, it is a new and challenging chapter in their relationship.  They need to remember to stick together and don't let the children divide them, lol.

I am interested in what the future holds, the next chapter of my life. I am happy that I am content being me, I am more secure in who I am. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it feels wonderful.  I don't like having regrets so I try to live my life in a way so that I don't have any.

When I was younger, I was so set in my ways, I believed things were one way and one way only. The older I get the more I realize how untrue that is. Some of the choices I have made later in my life, were ones that I never ever would have thought of making even in my 30's.  I am glad that I became more open minded, I end up understanding people and being way less judgemental, which is fantastic.

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

Today was a day that I was dreading, wondering if I would or could say what I needed to. I somehow had the courage to stand up and say it.  I had to go to family court about visitation rights and I did not back down or give in, I felt strong after I finally stood up for myself against my ex.  I told the judge it was not my responsibility to take our daughter back and forth to the supervised visitation.  When the judge asked me who or how I proposed for this to happen?  I just stated that it was not for me to propose or come up with a solution, I was not the one who did the things he did that caused him to have to have supervised visitation, so basically it is his problem to solve. 

We are going back to court and I think Andrey will finally realize he isn't in Russia any longer, he lives in Canada where women stand up for themselves. I am not the little mouse I was, I am no longer under his thumb, I am strong and I will make sure he knows that he might have had me down at one time but I will never be out. I am a fighter and a survivor. 

As I left the family court, I instantly thought of this song, I love it, it truly empowers woman, I am invincible.



I Am Woman (Helen Reddy)

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

Feeling More Myself

I haven't been sick for over 2 years and then I finally became sick, almost a week ago.  It wasn't the worst I have felt but it never feels good when you are ill. I ended up having to take the day off work and anyone who knows me, knows that I never take time off work. I usually go, no matter how I feel but as the morning went on, I could see that it wouldn't be a good idea for me or for work for me to go.  So, even though I despise taking time off, I took the day for me.

It ended up being a good thing, I got some much needed rest.  Cindy came over and she helped me get the laundry done and I was able to get the dishes done. Then I laid down for a few hours, it helped to rejuvenate me. Although I am not 100%, I do feel a lot better!  Sometimes we just need to take a day for ourselves, a day to listen to our bodies and rest.

I am hoping I can go for another run of 2 years or more before I get ill again, it has been great not getting sick just like that. Tomorrow is a long day for me, I have a busy day at work. Then I see my councillor, it has been three weeks.  I wonder if she can handle me chatting for a whole hour, non stop.  Good thing my life can be entertaining at times (for other people, lol). 

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so stubborn, it gets me in trouble.  It has served me well in some aspects of my life except for where I want it to serve me.  I wish I could figure out why some things are so easy and why others are so hard. It's like I have a mental block when it comes to having what I want more than anything in my life.  I often wonder if I am fearful that if I actually received what I wanted that it wouldn't be as good as I always hoped.

I am still willing to take the chance though, even if it were short term because, honestly what is a life if you have never loved?  A pretty boring life!  I am one person who doesn't want to live a boring life, I crave excitement, passion and love. I deserve it like anyone else, I just have to believe, like I believe with anything else in my life that works out easy.

Don't get me wrong, nothing in life is simple.  It's just that when I strongly believe in certain things, they seem to come easier, like the job I want, the place I want to live...etc.  Love and relationships take a lot more work, the kind I am willing to invest in but it is not all up to me. Maybe that is the difference. I have to have the other person believe as much and be willing to take the chance too.  I am not good at leaving my fate in other peoples hands but I have do what I can and then just believe.

Emotional Highs and Lows

I am in another one of those up and down emotional times, you know the kind where you can be laughing with a friend one minute and then crying for no reason. Part of it's because I've been slightly ill lately (it's been 26 months since I've been sick), the other part comes from feeling alone. I want so much to fill that empty void I have in my life and although I seem to fill it at times, it never seems to last.

I have tried every method possible to fill the empty space but honestly there is only one thing that can do that and I've never been able to attain it, so I end up feeling like an unfinished puzzle that will never be done because there are missing pieces. Also, no matter how hard I search to find those missing pieces, they seem to ever elude me.

Why is that some things come to me so easily and yet the one thing I want more than anything never seems to show up?  It's like part of me feels I don't deserve it and I sabotage myself, why can't I be stronger in this one area of my life?  I think I've listened to other people instead of believing in myself.  My latest adventure is proof of that.  I knew that I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to do but I let people with negative thoughts pull me down to their level.  Now I am not where I want to be and I am so disappointed in myself for wavering in what I did know.

There are times in my life that I just wanted to give up on my dream and do something else, anything else to keep my mind off what I don't have.  It seems to work for a short time.  Then there other times that I do whatever I can to fill the void, not always with the best results, I just want to feel fulfilled.   These crazy things that I have done or do to fill the void, work for such a short time and then they just leave me feeling emptier.  I just don't even know how to proceed any further. I don't know what path to take any longer, it seems like it is always the wrong one.

So instead of choosing a path, I have just been standing looking down each one, hoping someone wise will come along and help me choose.  I stand here alone though and I realize that it is my decision, no one else can choose for me. The longer I wait, the more difficult it has become, I have become afraid of what the outcome will be, instead of making the decision and going on my journey.

I need to not be afraid of the outcome and just make a decision, otherwise, I will be standing in the same place in a year from now.

Inspired

I have been inspired today, I realized that I have not been lazy or a failure, I have been fighting depression. Unfortunately medication isn't something that I can take, I have tried many. Counselling has been my only help which has been great. I rather enjoy that hour that I get to talk about whatever I want to talk about. I can talk at the best of the times but I talk non stop for an hour. It always makes me feel better. Some days or time periods are better then others but some are not so great. I actually went to work one day and I cried the whole entire day.

The cry helped release allot of pain even though that is not always the best way to release it.  Dealing with it is the only way that really helps and making goals that are achievable. I have had some pretty wonderful days too, the kind that remind me life is meant to be happy.  I keep reminding myself that I have come through some very dark periods and actually thrived. This last one has lasted longer than most but I am not going to let it defeat me, I am a survivor.

One thing that has helped me is by me helping someone else. It kept my mind on something else other than my problems. I actually learned to love cooking again, just simple home cooked food.  Another thing that has helped is pampering myself by getting my hair colored, my eyebrows done, paint my nails, etc.  I have neglected that lately but I getting back on track by March.

I also find writing gratitude lists very helpful, they always remind me how lucky and blessed I am.  It really helps to lift my mood, I think I will start another gratitude journal. It's always nice to look back and see how things changed or how much they remained the same.

Invisible Tattoo

I am beginning to believe that I have an invisible tattoo that only certain people can see, I think it says play with my head.  I don't understand why I pull that kind of thing into my life because yes, I know that whatever I have in my life, I have drawn it there. So this definitely begs a thought as to why I would do this to myself time and time again. I don't have the answer right now but I am starting to investigate it, otherwise I will continue on the same path of self destruction.

I have been doing every thing that I can to cover the pain I am feeling right now but I know that I have to start feeling it to figure out how I'm going to change it. I have to do something about it if I am ever going to be truly happy. It feels good that I actually want to face my worst fear finally and I know I can grow from these experiences.

Besides I am truly blessed, I have two amazing daughters, and soon Andrea will be having a baby. I am content but I don't want to stay with just being content. I am going to make some changes and then make a long term goal. I am extremely lucky, I have a great job, a fantastic family and wonderful friends. I really need to remember those things when I don't get the one thing that I do want.

So, first things first, getting back on the weight loss wagon, then exercise, cleaning my house from top to bottom so that I can finally declutter and make my house look really nice and inviting.  It will be wonderful when I do get it that way, it will be great to come home to order. I have been procrastinating about too many things lately. I'm not giving up on my ultimate dream, I deserve it!  One day, things could all change.

I love blogging, it gives me time to express my feelings which I know are all over the place sometimes but it's just me.  I feel very passionate about things and life but I also feel the opposite end of the spectrum is sadness and loneliness.  I know, it's hard for most people to think I would feel lonely because I am so exuberant and friendly. But I get lonely too...

The Outcome

I seem to fear the outcome so much that I don't like to make decisions, they seem so final.  Well, I had to make a decision about something, otherwise it would have destroyed me to continue along on the path that I was on.  I had to know one way or the other, even though knowing has hurt.  I just feel like there could have been a different outcome, if I was only given the chance.

I definitely wish it hadn't changed us, I really think that is what makes me not want a make a decision.  For as long as I didn't make my mind up, the longer I had you in my life. Even if the ride was bumpy at times, it was so much fun though. Now I have nothing and that doesn't feel good either, too bad we couldn't still be friends.

Valentina had so much fun outside today, she climbed up our little snow hills outside and slid down them, she really wanted to go on a big hill.  I really have to take her to Citadel hill one time, not sure I want to go down it but maybe take her and a friend. She just has such a great love of winter, I wish I had a little of her love for it, it would make my bus ride to work and back easier to deal with.

I hope I have a better week at work, last week I was so cranky.  I don't want to be like that this week, it makes the week last forever. Pretty soon I can start to take some vacation days, I think I need a few long weekends here and there. I also need to find something to fill my empty time, I don't want to wallow... that's no fun.

More Peaceful

I am more peaceful with myself than I have been for a long time, I let something go, something I really wanted and I left it up to fate. I have to accept the way it turns out, whether is exactly what I want or the complete opposite. For the sake of my emotions, I had to give in and let it just be. 

That doesn't mean that I will stop wanting what I want, I will just accept what the future holds and live for the moment. On a great note, I love cooking, I am so grateful that I have felt the spark and desire to cook again.  It all came from wanting to help someone, so it helped me too. Hmm, nice reason to have had someone in your life, there to remind you how much you loved something so much.

On another note, Valentina really is enjoying all this snow, not enough snow can fall for her... she just loves it sooo much. She lives in the moment and awe of it, jumping and sliding through it. I am trying to find a little joy in it too. It's a bit more difficult but I am making the effort.

On a great note, I am thinking about picking up reading again, it has been so long. I used to read a couple of books a month but lately with working and Valentina and travelling. I have found it difficult to find time but I have decided to spend much less time on line. I want to get lost in a really good mystery or thriller with a great twist for the ending, which of course I will read first, lol. 

I am just happy today, really happy. I had a good day at work, I had a ham cooked and scalloped potatoes too. So no cooking over the weekend, it's done. I got to visit a special friend and I got to tuck Valentina into bed. Most of all, I made a decision and I am at peace with it. I am still hoping for what I dream but hey a girl can dream can't she ;)

What Should I Do?

The last few days have been busy crazy because of all the snow we have had and being over at a hotel so I could be guaranteed to be at work the next day. I totally missed Valentina and all her cute chatter, she just lights my life up so much. I love after she has a bath and I get her all tucked into bed, all cosy and then I sit on her bed and we read a story together.  I love that time, we get to talk about her day then too.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, I am weighing all my options and trying to figure out which way I want to proceed. I was so sure how I wanted to proceed before but now I just don't know, I am fearful of the roller coaster ride, although amazing and thrilling it can be, it always comes down, which causes me to come down and those times are getting harder and harder to deal with. I feel so strongly that when I am up it is incredible but when I am down it is very sad. I need to even my mood out.

I have to really decide which way I want to go, so I am going to take my time and really make a decision, then stick with it. I need to look after myself too, if I don't I won't be any good to anyone else, least of all me.  I am starting to think about other things, getting back to eating properly, exercising and sleeping better.

On a fantastic note, I think it okay for me blog this as it's not Facebook and not everyone will read this, my older daughter is due to have a baby, due date is July 16, 2011, I believe. I have known for a couple of months and I couldn't say a thing. Anyone that knows me, knows that was so difficult for me, I can keep any ones secret but when it is this exciting, knowing I can finally write about it, I thought I might burst holding it in :) 

A Day To Reflect

When I blogged yesterday I was so sad and I had hurt feeling that I am sure what I wrote didn't come off sounding very nice. I just wear my heart on my sleeve and because I do, I end up feeling pain deeper than some people. I've had this day to think and reflect on what has happened in the past couple of weeks.

I have come to the conclusion that when that negativity entered my life in the form of an ex friend, I have not been able to shake the words they said to me. So I have made the words a reality because I gave them too much thought. I should have believed in what I knew then to give any thought to what I knew wasn't true.

So now I sit here and wonder if I can fix the mistakes or if it is all to far gone?  I guess I can only try! I just feel that I haven't been myself for the past two weeks or so, just too emotional for my liking. I guess we are entitled to a day like that from time to time. I do need to learn to not take things to heart so much so that I can just relax and enjoy life.

Valentina has been amazing lately, she is learning so many new things every day.  I can't believe how far her reading has come and her vocabulary. She talks a mile a minute, it can be over whelming at times, lol but I love listening to her chatter about her day at school and which boy she has a crush on.  She changes weekly sometime daily on who she likes. She is just so incredibly funny sometimes, I just love her so much and I feel so lucky to have her in my life.

Wondering Where I Went Wrong

I have had one of the worst weeks of my life for the past couple of years, I have come to a realization that I seem to make the worst choices, ones that never end up making me happy in the long run. I have no one else to blame for where I am but me. This makes me sad that I cannot trust myself or my intuition about people, for all my need to really figure people out, I understand them even less than I thought possible.

I think all of this comes from my insecurities, starting when I was a child when my step mother did all she could to break my spirit and then my ex husband finished off where she ended.  Hmm... makes me wonder why I let people destroy me?  The men I have chosen to love, only two, have disappointed me and made me re-think what my future holds.

I think the future holds me being alone, apparently I am not meant to have anyone truly love me and this makes me incredibly sad. It's the only thing I have ever really wanted, to feel wanted, needed and loved. I have never felt this in my life.  I have chased it and hoped for it, yet it has eluded me. Why is that the unimportant things come to me but what I want more then anything, never materializes.

Where did I go wrong, ever believing that since I am a kind, caring and loving person that I would ever have what I wanted and needed more than anything else. Also, just because I would never hurt another person does not mean that other people are beyond doing that to someone.  It doesn't matter how giving you are, as I have proven that; some people don't care, they just don't see how much some people give of themselves.

Thoughts About My Children

Words and phrases when I think of Andrea


Strong willed, strong testimony, basketball, good ears in the morning, neon colors, pony's and french braids, beautiful smile, stubborn, colored jeans, Jem, BET, rap, 80's music, curling irons, make-up, Sobey's, Superstore bakery, Internet, blogging, MSN, Paul, pictures, Super Nintendo, Math, Hurricane Juan and White Juan, bumble bee costume, Natasha, Melissa and Niki, theme birthday cakes, loving, fruit roll ups, cereal, turtle, mook


Words and phrases when I think of Valentina


Sweet, scooter, loving, baths, pool, bike, long hair, smiles, Do you still love me? I always love you., Zack and Cody, Calliou, tigers, jaguars, books, coloring, lip gloss, stuffed animals, DVR, yogurt drinks, gum, kind, thoughtful, skirts and dresses, snow, short curly hair, kitty cats, mixed colored socks, I want millllk


I am going to add to this too, I just want both my daughters to know that I think of them often and I have fantastic memories of them both.

Both for different reasons though, my oldest for actually growing up with me, she's my stubborn, head strong, always right daughter. I wouldn't have her any other way though, I've seen how much she can succeed because she is like that. She is living every little girls dream and I am so proud of her for that because she didn't settle. Sometimes we are just too close and we disagree too often, since we do it seems to put a rift in our relationship at times. I don't even know if she understands how sad it can make me when we have those misunderstandings or whatever she wants to call them.  I want to be close to her because she turned out to be a pretty amazing young woman. I love her no matter what, she is my first born and she survived growing up with a teenage mom and she actually thrived and did not become a statistic herself.  Being head strong has brought her very far.

My youngest I adore for her sweet nature, I needed that since I was 39 when I had her, I needed a calm girl by that time, lol... too old to deal with temper tantrums. Don't get me wrong, she can be a little head strong too but hers only last seconds.  I feel so blessed to have my youngest daughter with me, she keeps me grounded, not that I don't fly a little here and there but she always brings me down to earth again and I adore that about her. She can be a little insecure at times but it is totally understandable with everything she has gone through in her nearly 8 years of life.

I have two of the most amazing daughters, I consider myself very blessed and lucky <3

What I Honestly Need

This past week has been a complete eye opener for me, I am beginning to believe that I should be having counseling a couple of days a week.  Apparently seeing her 3 times a month isn't cutting it. I really need to find out why I make some of the choices I make, it's like I jump in blind with both feet and then I sit in the aftermath wondering how I got there?  I don't know even know what to think about the past week, it's been surreal and I just don't understand people or situations. Nothing makes sense anymore, it's like I almost can't believe anything I think or feel since I realize that I have sabotaged myself again and I truly believed in something.

I just never thought that I could be so wrong about something in my entire life.  Yes I married Andrey when everything around me told me not to but this is different, I didn't have the same opposition, it was almost opposite, so I believed and fought for what I was so sure of.  Now I wonder how I could be so wrong, why was I blind?  A month ago I would have been beyond crushed and sobbing but right now I am just perplexed and I can't even really feel. I think I am afraid to feel because what if I do and I finally cry, what if I can't stop?  I guess that is why I do all that I can do not to feel.

Unfortunately from the past I know that I will eventually have to deal with it, I am sure that will be a big thud and not pretty. Then I get to live with my regrets for what I did to cover the pain, we all do that, be it with watching too much TV, drinking, swearing... etc, either way, I am trying not to feel right now, hoping that it will be easier with time.

Honestly what I need is honesty.  Plain and simple, without it just leaves people always wondering.  I don't know what anyone would gain by not being honest.  I just need to get to a point that I have to let it all go and I don't want to do that, I feel too much right now and even though I am disappointed I don't want to just give up without working on it one more time, actually take the time to explain things, to make it clear.

Obsession?

Today was a truly rough day for me, I have had so much negativity around me the past couple of days.  Tonight I had a so called 'friend' of mine who felt the need to advise me I was obsessed and that I was letting people use me which I had already dealt with this issue with someone else that I am closer to on Friday.  Why do these people think I am obsessed when I just care about someone.

It's not like I let everything else in my life go, I think that I have balanced my life with work and raising Valentina.  So what if I care about someone and go out of my way to try to make their life better, isn't that what a true friend does, they don't just walk away in someones time of need. If I did, what kind of friend would I be? 

I know that I can be a little too focused when I want something or someone in my life but does that mean I am obsessed?  I just know that if I was in a bad way that I would hope that my friends would do the same things for me and they have been there for me. I don't pull them down when they have gone out of their way to help me.

I am the type of person that will go the extra mile for someone that I care about.  So when my so called 'friend' made it their mission in life to drag me down to their level of negativity, I had to make a decision about them and cut them out of my life. I cannot let anyone bring me to their level just because they cannot see the bigger picture.

I also know that I hurt someone very close to me and I truly feel bad for that but all I can say in my defence is that for the majority of my life, I haven't been all that happy and for the last couple of years I have been very happy. Is there something wrong with being happy?  I am hoping that they can forgive me, truly forgive me and understand that for once in my life I was being true to myself.

Love doesn't come with a manual, it doesn't tell you who or how you should love someone. Life just puts people and events into your path and we are just to deal with it the best way we know how. Up until a couple of years ago, I would have said there was no way that certain situations could ever work out but since I have found out different I realize that I was being very judgemental in the past and who am I to judge anyone else. I don't have the right to tell anyone how to live their lives or who they should love.

So, if caring about someone and wanting the best for them is being obsessed, then I am obsessed.  It's just too bad that I hurt someone close to me and that I lost a friend in the process but I have to be true to myself no matter the consequences because being true to me is all that I really have in this life.

Attempting To Focus

Lately I can't seem to focus, I try but my mind just wanders; I know it has a lot to do with how many things I have on the go.  I should be focusing much better this year, I don't think I could ask for a better year end at work, so much less stressful than the past two. Although talking on the phone can be boring at times, at least I don't have the pressure other people do.  

Yet I can't focus, well... that's not really true, I can focus, just not on what I need too.  Everyone says how happy I am, since I smile and laugh all the time, that is all due to one person.  All I have to do is think about them and it puts me in a fantastic mood.

Someone close to me made me feel awful today, they said I was thinking only of myself. This is not true, I think very little of myself, I am concerned for other people often. I am happy though and I was hoping they would be happy for me too... sadly not true.  I finally came to the realization that this was their issue, not mine. I have certainly given very much of me to them for many years and just because I want to actually  think about my own happiness, they feel I am selfish. 

So, tonight I have been sitting here thinking and realizing I may need to focus on a couple of things that will get me to where I want to be.  First and foremost I want to start reading and studying the book Women Food and God... I gained so much from it the last time.  Second I want to put more of myself into work by starting to take more courses that will help me to grow in my positon and thirdly I want to be happy with my decsions.  I want to know that I gave the best of myself and not have regrets.

I think the funniest thing of all is that my seven year old daughter doesn't think there is anything wrong with how happy I am and why, she is so kind and giving. When I cook food, she always asks, how much is for us and how much is for someone else. She has told me often that she is on my side and that she loves me. She is so wise beyond her years.  Other people who are adults focus on the negative and say I am too selfish, so funny that a seven year old can see more clearly than an adult.

Letting Go Of The Past To Have The Future I Deserve

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain.


The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?"

Mary Manin Morrissey


This thought make me really delve into my feelings... I guess I have been holding onto the past which has been holding me back from my future. I've never been one to release the hurt easily, I think I am okay and then boom, it is in my face again. The truth is that the past does not define me nor does it make me who I am today.  I have the ability to be better than what life has dished out to me in the past.  I think what I need to do is realize how far I have actually come in my life despite all the set backs life has offered me.

When I ponder it this way, it acutally makes me recongize how strong I really am. I know it's hard to always feel positive and uplifted when life keeps throwing curves at us but it seems it is the best way to deal with all the crazy ups and downs.

I also found out that I cannot be one of those people that is only out for herself, I tried it as I thought it might be fun to actually get my own way.  Then I realized that getting what I wanted at someone elses expense wasn't that great at all. How can other people be like that?  I could not live with myself if I were to take what I wanted and it made someone else sad or uncomfortable.

People certainly have not minded doing that to me but it doesn't make it right for me to do it when I know better. I am kind of disappointed that I even attempted to be like that, at least I got it together and changed it after I immediately felt bad.

Anyhow, this quote made me really think and I don't want anything holding me back from the future, least of all the past.