Today was a day that I was dreading, wondering if I would or could say what I needed to. I somehow had the courage to stand up and say it. I had to go to family court about visitation rights and I did not back down or give in, I felt strong after I finally stood up for myself against my ex. I told the judge it was not my responsibility to take our daughter back and forth to the supervised visitation. When the judge asked me who or how I proposed for this to happen? I just stated that it was not for me to propose or come up with a solution, I was not the one who did the things he did that caused him to have to have supervised visitation, so basically it is his problem to solve.
We are going back to court and I think Andrey will finally realize he isn't in Russia any longer, he lives in Canada where women stand up for themselves. I am not the little mouse I was, I am no longer under his thumb, I am strong and I will make sure he knows that he might have had me down at one time but I will never be out. I am a fighter and a survivor.
As I left the family court, I instantly thought of this song, I love it, it truly empowers woman, I am invincible.
I Am Woman (Helen Reddy)
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
CHORUS
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
Feeling More Myself
I haven't been sick for over 2 years and then I finally became sick, almost a week ago. It wasn't the worst I have felt but it never feels good when you are ill. I ended up having to take the day off work and anyone who knows me, knows that I never take time off work. I usually go, no matter how I feel but as the morning went on, I could see that it wouldn't be a good idea for me or for work for me to go. So, even though I despise taking time off, I took the day for me.
It ended up being a good thing, I got some much needed rest. Cindy came over and she helped me get the laundry done and I was able to get the dishes done. Then I laid down for a few hours, it helped to rejuvenate me. Although I am not 100%, I do feel a lot better! Sometimes we just need to take a day for ourselves, a day to listen to our bodies and rest.
I am hoping I can go for another run of 2 years or more before I get ill again, it has been great not getting sick just like that. Tomorrow is a long day for me, I have a busy day at work. Then I see my councillor, it has been three weeks. I wonder if she can handle me chatting for a whole hour, non stop. Good thing my life can be entertaining at times (for other people, lol).
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so stubborn, it gets me in trouble. It has served me well in some aspects of my life except for where I want it to serve me. I wish I could figure out why some things are so easy and why others are so hard. It's like I have a mental block when it comes to having what I want more than anything in my life. I often wonder if I am fearful that if I actually received what I wanted that it wouldn't be as good as I always hoped.
I am still willing to take the chance though, even if it were short term because, honestly what is a life if you have never loved? A pretty boring life! I am one person who doesn't want to live a boring life, I crave excitement, passion and love. I deserve it like anyone else, I just have to believe, like I believe with anything else in my life that works out easy.
Don't get me wrong, nothing in life is simple. It's just that when I strongly believe in certain things, they seem to come easier, like the job I want, the place I want to live...etc. Love and relationships take a lot more work, the kind I am willing to invest in but it is not all up to me. Maybe that is the difference. I have to have the other person believe as much and be willing to take the chance too. I am not good at leaving my fate in other peoples hands but I have do what I can and then just believe.
It ended up being a good thing, I got some much needed rest. Cindy came over and she helped me get the laundry done and I was able to get the dishes done. Then I laid down for a few hours, it helped to rejuvenate me. Although I am not 100%, I do feel a lot better! Sometimes we just need to take a day for ourselves, a day to listen to our bodies and rest.
I am hoping I can go for another run of 2 years or more before I get ill again, it has been great not getting sick just like that. Tomorrow is a long day for me, I have a busy day at work. Then I see my councillor, it has been three weeks. I wonder if she can handle me chatting for a whole hour, non stop. Good thing my life can be entertaining at times (for other people, lol).
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so stubborn, it gets me in trouble. It has served me well in some aspects of my life except for where I want it to serve me. I wish I could figure out why some things are so easy and why others are so hard. It's like I have a mental block when it comes to having what I want more than anything in my life. I often wonder if I am fearful that if I actually received what I wanted that it wouldn't be as good as I always hoped.
I am still willing to take the chance though, even if it were short term because, honestly what is a life if you have never loved? A pretty boring life! I am one person who doesn't want to live a boring life, I crave excitement, passion and love. I deserve it like anyone else, I just have to believe, like I believe with anything else in my life that works out easy.
Don't get me wrong, nothing in life is simple. It's just that when I strongly believe in certain things, they seem to come easier, like the job I want, the place I want to live...etc. Love and relationships take a lot more work, the kind I am willing to invest in but it is not all up to me. Maybe that is the difference. I have to have the other person believe as much and be willing to take the chance too. I am not good at leaving my fate in other peoples hands but I have do what I can and then just believe.
Emotional Highs and Lows
I am in another one of those up and down emotional times, you know the kind where you can be laughing with a friend one minute and then crying for no reason. Part of it's because I've been slightly ill lately (it's been 26 months since I've been sick), the other part comes from feeling alone. I want so much to fill that empty void I have in my life and although I seem to fill it at times, it never seems to last.
I have tried every method possible to fill the empty space but honestly there is only one thing that can do that and I've never been able to attain it, so I end up feeling like an unfinished puzzle that will never be done because there are missing pieces. Also, no matter how hard I search to find those missing pieces, they seem to ever elude me.
Why is that some things come to me so easily and yet the one thing I want more than anything never seems to show up? It's like part of me feels I don't deserve it and I sabotage myself, why can't I be stronger in this one area of my life? I think I've listened to other people instead of believing in myself. My latest adventure is proof of that. I knew that I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to do but I let people with negative thoughts pull me down to their level. Now I am not where I want to be and I am so disappointed in myself for wavering in what I did know.
There are times in my life that I just wanted to give up on my dream and do something else, anything else to keep my mind off what I don't have. It seems to work for a short time. Then there other times that I do whatever I can to fill the void, not always with the best results, I just want to feel fulfilled. These crazy things that I have done or do to fill the void, work for such a short time and then they just leave me feeling emptier. I just don't even know how to proceed any further. I don't know what path to take any longer, it seems like it is always the wrong one.
So instead of choosing a path, I have just been standing looking down each one, hoping someone wise will come along and help me choose. I stand here alone though and I realize that it is my decision, no one else can choose for me. The longer I wait, the more difficult it has become, I have become afraid of what the outcome will be, instead of making the decision and going on my journey.
I need to not be afraid of the outcome and just make a decision, otherwise, I will be standing in the same place in a year from now.
I have tried every method possible to fill the empty space but honestly there is only one thing that can do that and I've never been able to attain it, so I end up feeling like an unfinished puzzle that will never be done because there are missing pieces. Also, no matter how hard I search to find those missing pieces, they seem to ever elude me.
Why is that some things come to me so easily and yet the one thing I want more than anything never seems to show up? It's like part of me feels I don't deserve it and I sabotage myself, why can't I be stronger in this one area of my life? I think I've listened to other people instead of believing in myself. My latest adventure is proof of that. I knew that I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to do but I let people with negative thoughts pull me down to their level. Now I am not where I want to be and I am so disappointed in myself for wavering in what I did know.
There are times in my life that I just wanted to give up on my dream and do something else, anything else to keep my mind off what I don't have. It seems to work for a short time. Then there other times that I do whatever I can to fill the void, not always with the best results, I just want to feel fulfilled. These crazy things that I have done or do to fill the void, work for such a short time and then they just leave me feeling emptier. I just don't even know how to proceed any further. I don't know what path to take any longer, it seems like it is always the wrong one.
So instead of choosing a path, I have just been standing looking down each one, hoping someone wise will come along and help me choose. I stand here alone though and I realize that it is my decision, no one else can choose for me. The longer I wait, the more difficult it has become, I have become afraid of what the outcome will be, instead of making the decision and going on my journey.
I need to not be afraid of the outcome and just make a decision, otherwise, I will be standing in the same place in a year from now.
Inspired
I have been inspired today, I realized that I have not been lazy or a failure, I have been fighting depression. Unfortunately medication isn't something that I can take, I have tried many. Counselling has been my only help which has been great. I rather enjoy that hour that I get to talk about whatever I want to talk about. I can talk at the best of the times but I talk non stop for an hour. It always makes me feel better. Some days or time periods are better then others but some are not so great. I actually went to work one day and I cried the whole entire day.
The cry helped release allot of pain even though that is not always the best way to release it. Dealing with it is the only way that really helps and making goals that are achievable. I have had some pretty wonderful days too, the kind that remind me life is meant to be happy. I keep reminding myself that I have come through some very dark periods and actually thrived. This last one has lasted longer than most but I am not going to let it defeat me, I am a survivor.
One thing that has helped me is by me helping someone else. It kept my mind on something else other than my problems. I actually learned to love cooking again, just simple home cooked food. Another thing that has helped is pampering myself by getting my hair colored, my eyebrows done, paint my nails, etc. I have neglected that lately but I getting back on track by March.
I also find writing gratitude lists very helpful, they always remind me how lucky and blessed I am. It really helps to lift my mood, I think I will start another gratitude journal. It's always nice to look back and see how things changed or how much they remained the same.
The cry helped release allot of pain even though that is not always the best way to release it. Dealing with it is the only way that really helps and making goals that are achievable. I have had some pretty wonderful days too, the kind that remind me life is meant to be happy. I keep reminding myself that I have come through some very dark periods and actually thrived. This last one has lasted longer than most but I am not going to let it defeat me, I am a survivor.
One thing that has helped me is by me helping someone else. It kept my mind on something else other than my problems. I actually learned to love cooking again, just simple home cooked food. Another thing that has helped is pampering myself by getting my hair colored, my eyebrows done, paint my nails, etc. I have neglected that lately but I getting back on track by March.
I also find writing gratitude lists very helpful, they always remind me how lucky and blessed I am. It really helps to lift my mood, I think I will start another gratitude journal. It's always nice to look back and see how things changed or how much they remained the same.
Invisible Tattoo
I am beginning to believe that I have an invisible tattoo that only certain people can see, I think it says play with my head. I don't understand why I pull that kind of thing into my life because yes, I know that whatever I have in my life, I have drawn it there. So this definitely begs a thought as to why I would do this to myself time and time again. I don't have the answer right now but I am starting to investigate it, otherwise I will continue on the same path of self destruction.
I have been doing every thing that I can to cover the pain I am feeling right now but I know that I have to start feeling it to figure out how I'm going to change it. I have to do something about it if I am ever going to be truly happy. It feels good that I actually want to face my worst fear finally and I know I can grow from these experiences.
Besides I am truly blessed, I have two amazing daughters, and soon Andrea will be having a baby. I am content but I don't want to stay with just being content. I am going to make some changes and then make a long term goal. I am extremely lucky, I have a great job, a fantastic family and wonderful friends. I really need to remember those things when I don't get the one thing that I do want.
So, first things first, getting back on the weight loss wagon, then exercise, cleaning my house from top to bottom so that I can finally declutter and make my house look really nice and inviting. It will be wonderful when I do get it that way, it will be great to come home to order. I have been procrastinating about too many things lately. I'm not giving up on my ultimate dream, I deserve it! One day, things could all change.
I love blogging, it gives me time to express my feelings which I know are all over the place sometimes but it's just me. I feel very passionate about things and life but I also feel the opposite end of the spectrum is sadness and loneliness. I know, it's hard for most people to think I would feel lonely because I am so exuberant and friendly. But I get lonely too...
I have been doing every thing that I can to cover the pain I am feeling right now but I know that I have to start feeling it to figure out how I'm going to change it. I have to do something about it if I am ever going to be truly happy. It feels good that I actually want to face my worst fear finally and I know I can grow from these experiences.
Besides I am truly blessed, I have two amazing daughters, and soon Andrea will be having a baby. I am content but I don't want to stay with just being content. I am going to make some changes and then make a long term goal. I am extremely lucky, I have a great job, a fantastic family and wonderful friends. I really need to remember those things when I don't get the one thing that I do want.
So, first things first, getting back on the weight loss wagon, then exercise, cleaning my house from top to bottom so that I can finally declutter and make my house look really nice and inviting. It will be wonderful when I do get it that way, it will be great to come home to order. I have been procrastinating about too many things lately. I'm not giving up on my ultimate dream, I deserve it! One day, things could all change.
I love blogging, it gives me time to express my feelings which I know are all over the place sometimes but it's just me. I feel very passionate about things and life but I also feel the opposite end of the spectrum is sadness and loneliness. I know, it's hard for most people to think I would feel lonely because I am so exuberant and friendly. But I get lonely too...
The Outcome
I seem to fear the outcome so much that I don't like to make decisions, they seem so final. Well, I had to make a decision about something, otherwise it would have destroyed me to continue along on the path that I was on. I had to know one way or the other, even though knowing has hurt. I just feel like there could have been a different outcome, if I was only given the chance.
I definitely wish it hadn't changed us, I really think that is what makes me not want a make a decision. For as long as I didn't make my mind up, the longer I had you in my life. Even if the ride was bumpy at times, it was so much fun though. Now I have nothing and that doesn't feel good either, too bad we couldn't still be friends.
Valentina had so much fun outside today, she climbed up our little snow hills outside and slid down them, she really wanted to go on a big hill. I really have to take her to Citadel hill one time, not sure I want to go down it but maybe take her and a friend. She just has such a great love of winter, I wish I had a little of her love for it, it would make my bus ride to work and back easier to deal with.
I hope I have a better week at work, last week I was so cranky. I don't want to be like that this week, it makes the week last forever. Pretty soon I can start to take some vacation days, I think I need a few long weekends here and there. I also need to find something to fill my empty time, I don't want to wallow... that's no fun.
I definitely wish it hadn't changed us, I really think that is what makes me not want a make a decision. For as long as I didn't make my mind up, the longer I had you in my life. Even if the ride was bumpy at times, it was so much fun though. Now I have nothing and that doesn't feel good either, too bad we couldn't still be friends.
Valentina had so much fun outside today, she climbed up our little snow hills outside and slid down them, she really wanted to go on a big hill. I really have to take her to Citadel hill one time, not sure I want to go down it but maybe take her and a friend. She just has such a great love of winter, I wish I had a little of her love for it, it would make my bus ride to work and back easier to deal with.
I hope I have a better week at work, last week I was so cranky. I don't want to be like that this week, it makes the week last forever. Pretty soon I can start to take some vacation days, I think I need a few long weekends here and there. I also need to find something to fill my empty time, I don't want to wallow... that's no fun.
More Peaceful
I am more peaceful with myself than I have been for a long time, I let something go, something I really wanted and I left it up to fate. I have to accept the way it turns out, whether is exactly what I want or the complete opposite. For the sake of my emotions, I had to give in and let it just be.
That doesn't mean that I will stop wanting what I want, I will just accept what the future holds and live for the moment. On a great note, I love cooking, I am so grateful that I have felt the spark and desire to cook again. It all came from wanting to help someone, so it helped me too. Hmm, nice reason to have had someone in your life, there to remind you how much you loved something so much.
On another note, Valentina really is enjoying all this snow, not enough snow can fall for her... she just loves it sooo much. She lives in the moment and awe of it, jumping and sliding through it. I am trying to find a little joy in it too. It's a bit more difficult but I am making the effort.
On a great note, I am thinking about picking up reading again, it has been so long. I used to read a couple of books a month but lately with working and Valentina and travelling. I have found it difficult to find time but I have decided to spend much less time on line. I want to get lost in a really good mystery or thriller with a great twist for the ending, which of course I will read first, lol.
I am just happy today, really happy. I had a good day at work, I had a ham cooked and scalloped potatoes too. So no cooking over the weekend, it's done. I got to visit a special friend and I got to tuck Valentina into bed. Most of all, I made a decision and I am at peace with it. I am still hoping for what I dream but hey a girl can dream can't she ;)
That doesn't mean that I will stop wanting what I want, I will just accept what the future holds and live for the moment. On a great note, I love cooking, I am so grateful that I have felt the spark and desire to cook again. It all came from wanting to help someone, so it helped me too. Hmm, nice reason to have had someone in your life, there to remind you how much you loved something so much.
On another note, Valentina really is enjoying all this snow, not enough snow can fall for her... she just loves it sooo much. She lives in the moment and awe of it, jumping and sliding through it. I am trying to find a little joy in it too. It's a bit more difficult but I am making the effort.
On a great note, I am thinking about picking up reading again, it has been so long. I used to read a couple of books a month but lately with working and Valentina and travelling. I have found it difficult to find time but I have decided to spend much less time on line. I want to get lost in a really good mystery or thriller with a great twist for the ending, which of course I will read first, lol.
I am just happy today, really happy. I had a good day at work, I had a ham cooked and scalloped potatoes too. So no cooking over the weekend, it's done. I got to visit a special friend and I got to tuck Valentina into bed. Most of all, I made a decision and I am at peace with it. I am still hoping for what I dream but hey a girl can dream can't she ;)
What Should I Do?
The last few days have been busy crazy because of all the snow we have had and being over at a hotel so I could be guaranteed to be at work the next day. I totally missed Valentina and all her cute chatter, she just lights my life up so much. I love after she has a bath and I get her all tucked into bed, all cosy and then I sit on her bed and we read a story together. I love that time, we get to talk about her day then too.
I've had a lot on my mind lately, I am weighing all my options and trying to figure out which way I want to proceed. I was so sure how I wanted to proceed before but now I just don't know, I am fearful of the roller coaster ride, although amazing and thrilling it can be, it always comes down, which causes me to come down and those times are getting harder and harder to deal with. I feel so strongly that when I am up it is incredible but when I am down it is very sad. I need to even my mood out.
I have to really decide which way I want to go, so I am going to take my time and really make a decision, then stick with it. I need to look after myself too, if I don't I won't be any good to anyone else, least of all me. I am starting to think about other things, getting back to eating properly, exercising and sleeping better.
On a fantastic note, I think it okay for me blog this as it's not Facebook and not everyone will read this, my older daughter is due to have a baby, due date is July 16, 2011, I believe. I have known for a couple of months and I couldn't say a thing. Anyone that knows me, knows that was so difficult for me, I can keep any ones secret but when it is this exciting, knowing I can finally write about it, I thought I might burst holding it in :)
I've had a lot on my mind lately, I am weighing all my options and trying to figure out which way I want to proceed. I was so sure how I wanted to proceed before but now I just don't know, I am fearful of the roller coaster ride, although amazing and thrilling it can be, it always comes down, which causes me to come down and those times are getting harder and harder to deal with. I feel so strongly that when I am up it is incredible but when I am down it is very sad. I need to even my mood out.
I have to really decide which way I want to go, so I am going to take my time and really make a decision, then stick with it. I need to look after myself too, if I don't I won't be any good to anyone else, least of all me. I am starting to think about other things, getting back to eating properly, exercising and sleeping better.
On a fantastic note, I think it okay for me blog this as it's not Facebook and not everyone will read this, my older daughter is due to have a baby, due date is July 16, 2011, I believe. I have known for a couple of months and I couldn't say a thing. Anyone that knows me, knows that was so difficult for me, I can keep any ones secret but when it is this exciting, knowing I can finally write about it, I thought I might burst holding it in :)
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