I would love to understand why I hold on when it is obvious to everyone else around me that I should let go? Maybe if I could figure this out then I might be able to move forward, every time I think, move on... I am drawn back in. Sometimes I feel like a puppet, some people would just have to say jump and I would be saying how high? Is this the way I want to be for the rest of my life? Deep down I want more, maybe I don't feel like I deserve more.
Maybe I just care too much when I shouldn't. I am not the type of woman to love easily, it means opening my heart to possible pain. So, I have only loved twice in my life and the first one ended terribly, the second one not much better. I think going forward I don't want to love again, the pain is too much to deal with, I know this may mean that I end up alone and I don't want this. However; not sure how I could deal with another loss, another disappointment?
I need to change my mindset, I have listened to too many people about how I don't deserve it all, from my step mother to my ex husband. Words are so hurtful and they cut you deep in your psyche, just when you think you have overcome them, along comes the little doubts. Then it is almost like my reality is what other people have said, instead of what I know it can be.
I had to take the day off as my sitter was ill, I had hoped that I would have the energy that I had yesterday and get the rest of the house work done... I was able to do a little but nothing like I did yesterday. I am going to take one day of my weekend to finish getting organized, mainly my room. I want to make it comfortable as I want it to be my retreat.
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People Never Cease To Amaze Me
I often wonder how people think they can play games and either not be caught or if they are, they think they can get away with it, just because of who they are. I would like to tell those people, you haven't got away with anything nor have the games gone undetected by me. I am a lot smarter than people think I am, I know more than they would think I would know.
It just frustrates me when it becomes clear that people think games are better then honesty, really? I am hear to say that just isn't true, being honest is always better. If you are honest, you could move on... game paying just stagnates you. Don't you want to grow and become a better person, you can't when there are lies.
I had a me weekend and although rather boring, I did accomplish a lot more than I thought was possible. First and foremost, I took time to get my hair done and my eyebrows, amazing how that can make a person feel better. So, since my plans fell through last night, grrrr... I went to bed early, got up this morning and cleaned more than I have in months. I turned on music and it gave me time to think, clear my head while I actually got things organized.
I am also going to try to have a much better attitude at work this week even though I don't feel confident. I just don't like looking stupid when it comes to new applications, I will just have to work at it and hopefully it all becomes clear and I will finally understand it.
Cooking is on the agenda once I get the laundry all washed... where does all the dirty laundry come from? lol. I swear it piles up on it's own, lol.... same as dishes;). Housework is not my forte but unfortunately it needs to be done. I want to cook a large spaghetti, it's easy and Valentina loves it.
It just frustrates me when it becomes clear that people think games are better then honesty, really? I am hear to say that just isn't true, being honest is always better. If you are honest, you could move on... game paying just stagnates you. Don't you want to grow and become a better person, you can't when there are lies.
I had a me weekend and although rather boring, I did accomplish a lot more than I thought was possible. First and foremost, I took time to get my hair done and my eyebrows, amazing how that can make a person feel better. So, since my plans fell through last night, grrrr... I went to bed early, got up this morning and cleaned more than I have in months. I turned on music and it gave me time to think, clear my head while I actually got things organized.
I am also going to try to have a much better attitude at work this week even though I don't feel confident. I just don't like looking stupid when it comes to new applications, I will just have to work at it and hopefully it all becomes clear and I will finally understand it.
Cooking is on the agenda once I get the laundry all washed... where does all the dirty laundry come from? lol. I swear it piles up on it's own, lol.... same as dishes;). Housework is not my forte but unfortunately it needs to be done. I want to cook a large spaghetti, it's easy and Valentina loves it.
Having A Voice
Although I am no where near where I want to be, I at least see myself on a path. The past couple of weeks I have gained my voice back. First I stood up for myself in family court against my ex, second I allowed myself to open up about how I have had to deal with my ex and all the ramifications of that relationship, I feel stronger. Third and most important is that I want better for myself, I don't just want second best, the reason I ended up with my ex is that I accepted less than I deserved.
We all deserve better and we shouldn't accept any less than that. This has all helped me to be in a happier mood, not one that is holding on to the past. I am sure I will have more hard days but these last few weeks I have felt like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It has taken me almost three years since that awful night for me to finally see a light.
I am not going to sit back any longer, I am going to be using my voice and standing up for myself whenever the need arises. This was truly who I was before I met Andrey, before I allowed him to take that away from me. It must be shocking to Andrey that I am standing up to him, not letting him control me. I don't want anyone to control me and in turn I don't want to control anyone else.
I lost my passion for life when I met Andrey and allowed him to be my voice. When I did that, I gave up dreaming and hoping for better. I am finally feeling like dreaming and hoping and most of all, I am looking for passion. I want to find the things I know that will uplift me and help me to grow. I never want to give away my voice again. I almost gave away myself... no one should ever do that.
We all deserve better and we shouldn't accept any less than that. This has all helped me to be in a happier mood, not one that is holding on to the past. I am sure I will have more hard days but these last few weeks I have felt like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It has taken me almost three years since that awful night for me to finally see a light.
I am not going to sit back any longer, I am going to be using my voice and standing up for myself whenever the need arises. This was truly who I was before I met Andrey, before I allowed him to take that away from me. It must be shocking to Andrey that I am standing up to him, not letting him control me. I don't want anyone to control me and in turn I don't want to control anyone else.
I lost my passion for life when I met Andrey and allowed him to be my voice. When I did that, I gave up dreaming and hoping for better. I am finally feeling like dreaming and hoping and most of all, I am looking for passion. I want to find the things I know that will uplift me and help me to grow. I never want to give away my voice again. I almost gave away myself... no one should ever do that.
Getting Excited For Spring
I'm starting to feel a change in myself, a good change. I can feel that spring is close by, which is making me want to set goals, to walk and exercise more, both me and Valentina. I know that once I start exercising for an hour or so every evening, I am sure I will be able to sleep better which will help improve my mood for the good. So, I am excited, change can be so good. It can make life so wonderful.
Also, I am looking forward to spending that time with Valentina with no distractions. She and I can take the time to bond more, we are already so close now and it could only make it better. Plus this summer Andrea and Paul are having their first child, yippee. I am so excited for both of them, it is a new and challenging chapter in their relationship. They need to remember to stick together and don't let the children divide them, lol.
I am interested in what the future holds, the next chapter of my life. I am happy that I am content being me, I am more secure in who I am. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it feels wonderful. I don't like having regrets so I try to live my life in a way so that I don't have any.
When I was younger, I was so set in my ways, I believed things were one way and one way only. The older I get the more I realize how untrue that is. Some of the choices I have made later in my life, were ones that I never ever would have thought of making even in my 30's. I am glad that I became more open minded, I end up understanding people and being way less judgemental, which is fantastic.
Also, I am looking forward to spending that time with Valentina with no distractions. She and I can take the time to bond more, we are already so close now and it could only make it better. Plus this summer Andrea and Paul are having their first child, yippee. I am so excited for both of them, it is a new and challenging chapter in their relationship. They need to remember to stick together and don't let the children divide them, lol.
I am interested in what the future holds, the next chapter of my life. I am happy that I am content being me, I am more secure in who I am. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it feels wonderful. I don't like having regrets so I try to live my life in a way so that I don't have any.
When I was younger, I was so set in my ways, I believed things were one way and one way only. The older I get the more I realize how untrue that is. Some of the choices I have made later in my life, were ones that I never ever would have thought of making even in my 30's. I am glad that I became more open minded, I end up understanding people and being way less judgemental, which is fantastic.