Why Do I Hold On?

I would love to understand why I hold on when it is obvious to everyone else around me that I should let go?  Maybe if I could figure this out then I might be able to move forward, every time I think, move on... I am drawn back in.  Sometimes I feel like a puppet, some people would just have to say jump and I would be saying how high?  Is this the way I want to be for the rest of my life?  Deep down I want more, maybe I don't feel like I deserve more.

Maybe I just care too much when I shouldn't.  I am not the type of woman to love easily, it means opening my heart to possible pain.  So, I have only loved twice in my life and the first one ended terribly, the second one not much better. I think going forward I don't want to love again, the pain is too much to deal with, I know this may mean that I end up alone and I don't want this. However; not sure how I could deal with another loss, another disappointment? 

I need to change my mindset, I have listened to too many people about how I don't deserve it all, from my step mother to my ex husband. Words are so hurtful and they cut you deep in your psyche, just when you think you have overcome them, along comes the little doubts.  Then it is almost like my reality is what other people have said, instead of what I know it can be.

I had to take the day off as my sitter was ill, I had hoped that I would have the energy that I had yesterday and get the rest of the house work done... I was able to do a little but nothing like I did yesterday.  I am going to take one day of my weekend to finish getting organized, mainly my room.  I want to make it comfortable as I want it to be my retreat.