What Happened In Your Birth Year?

http://whathappenedinmybirthyear.com/

I thought this might be fun, so I clicked on the link and entered my year.  It was fascinating to read all about what happened the year I was born. Also different things that were important about my life. So many memories, one cute one was that when I was 7 I saw the Aristocats... I loved that movie when I was a child. When I have a few moments to just sit and read other years, I am going to read my daughters years and few other ones I am interested in.

This little link just made me sit up and think, especially the last line of 'What path have you taken?' I realized that I haven't even been on a path lately. I've been in limbo, so indecisive.  I seem incapable of making any life decisions, heck I can barely handle the small decisions.  I think that I think too much, my mind never lets me have any down time. I need to get some rest though, I need to feel better.

I think that is part of the reason I have an infection in my leg.  I haven't been coping with the stressful issues in my life, so I have been internalizing it and so it comes out with an infection in my leg.  My body has to get rid of the bad stuff from my body.  So, I wonder why I torture my body like that?  I really have to make a concerted effort to look after myself.

Well, I think I have had another eye opener, hopefully this will get me on the path.  Sometimes it seems that I need to get the eye opener a few times. I know one of the side effects of getting on the path is that I have to deal with the pain, all of it.  Not sure I can handle all the ramifications that come with dealing with all that old pain, the stuff I love to try to hide.

Hiding isn't helping me anymore though, hiding is hurting me.  I have thought so little of myself for too many years.  Lately I have not been myself, I have been jumpy, cranky, impatient, sad and so many more not so great feelings. I don't like feeling that way, so that means I have to do something to change it. I am the only one that can change my circumstances. Some decisions are SO hard to make though.  I have so much to think about.

Just Pray

I had an epiphany after talking to my oldest daughter tonight, she is wise beyond her years.  We somehow started talking about prayer and how she knew Heavenly Father wanted to hear from her no matter what anyone thought, I agreed, but that I felt that He was disappointed in me.  She spoke right up and said He might be disappointed but He wants to hear from you, he loves you no matter what. I realized how I missed knowing that, for such a long time, I have been lost and living my life different than what I knew before.

So, I am going to take my daughter's words of wisdom and just pray, explain that I might not be ready to just change my life around but that I still wanted to talk to Him too. I feel good already. I had a pretty rough week, I wanted to blog all week but craziness was getting in the way, Monday I was beyond ill and had to leave work, I slept for 13 hours. Tuesday I was off sick, nothing accomplished, Wednesday was insane at work, zapped my energy, Thursday was a good day when I was able to have a light bulb moment except that work was crazy again. Lastly today, was good just because I am taking 4 days off.

I have a lot of decisions to make, I am taking the next 4 days to get back on tract.  What I mean by that is one taking action to lose weight, two to get my house organized (which I have already started, 6 hours last Saturday and I totally de-cluttered my bedroom of so much junk ;)  and three to continue to find my voice and believe that I am of worth. That last one is the hardest one of all, since I allowed Andrey to take my worth by allowing him to demean me with words, then letting the little pushes be okay, the endless cheating, the fear when he was drinking.  It feels good to be strong again and to feel in control, I am grateful that I am at least beginning to feel some worth. I aspire to feel full worth.