The Past is Not Who I Am

I have been having some wonderful overpowering feelings that have taken me by surprise. Feelings that I was sure I would not or could not have again, I mean I am close to 50 years old and I thought that was all in the past.

I was completely surprised that I could have all those thoughts and feelings and that they were even more intense than before. I have been pondering how this could be and I realized that it's not that we cannot have those feelings, it's that we have become jaded and closed off.  Too afraid to open up, too afraid to be hurt.

When you look at the world with the eyes of a child and just let your heart feel, you cannot help but be happy in your life.  It's when you let the hardships of life drag you down and allow you to become negative that you start to grow old in your thoughts.  Yes it is scary, but really it's so worth it for even a moment of the pure joy you feel.

Also, you never know where it can lead, maybe to something you never thought possible.  Maybe it is a path you are supposed to be on to lead you to where you are supposed to be.

I have stopped questioning my past decisions, they have led me to where I am right now and where I am right now is amazing.  So yes, I haven't always made great choices but I learned so much from each and every choice. From all those decisions, I realized I only wanted the best in my life, nothing part way, all the way or nothing.

Having anything part way is really having nothing!  Living my life open, honest, giving and allowing myself to follow my heart is the only way I want to live anymore. I suppose the falls can be hard and scary but I don't care, just getting by is not living, it is existing and I don't want to just exist, I want to live fully.

Euphoric Happiness

 I always felt that I was a very authentic person, if you know me, you really know. I know this because I talk a lot lol ;)

I realized that I have actually guarded myself and hid what I thought people may not have approved of. We all do it to degrees in our relationships.

Have you ever opened up to someone fully and felt accepted no matter what you said?  If you have, then you have found what I have found, that is euphoric happiness:).

I want everyone to have that euphoric happiness and cherish it because it's not a feeling that comes around that often.  I for one won't take it for granted, however; I also know that I am worthy, good enough and deserving. I finally believe that:).

When I learned to love myself amazing things happened.  I now give myself a break when I mess up, I can learn and improve.

Don't settle for less, I never will again:).

Life Changing

For the past 3 years of my life, I made a conscious decision to be as upbeat and happy as I possibly could. There were days I failed miserably but I didn't give up, more and more it became easier to smile, laugh and be positive.

I followed a path I knew I was meant to follow, many people thought I was crazy. That was okay with me, I knew I was doing what I was supposed to do. Other people worried I was giving too much of myself and not getting anything in return.

It was not too long after I came to realize I never did this for what I could get, I did this because I cared.

So what does this all mean, it means that because I followed the path I knew I must take. It made me happy to give of myself to help another. This in turn came out in my updates and chatting, which drew a very special person to me.

The last few months of my life have been wonderful which has lead to the last couple of weeks where I have had even greater happiness than I thought possible.

I want to continue on this path, in the beginning I faked it a little but it wasn't very long after that the happiness was real and it just became easier. I know it was because I was so grateful for what I have, I am really blessed.

Judgements

 The other night I was thinking about my mother, I never grew up with her or knew much of her until I was 15,  I had only vague memories of her but all of them were good.  Like the time I didn't get off at the right bus stop and I put so much fear on my mother, I remember how loving and worried she was, I knew I was loved.  Well, when I reconnected with her, we really connected.  I could talk to her about everything and anything.

Then things changed when I had my second daughter Valentina, I wondered how my mother could possibly have abandoned me when I was so small and vulnerable and then actually raise my youngest sister.  Well, the other night I thought who am I to judge my mother?  My goodness, I have not been the best mother but I have loved my children.

My mother may have not been the perfect mother but she was my mother and I know she loved me and wanted the best for me, she wanted me to be happy.  Isn't that what we really want for our children.

Yes my life growing up as a child was abusive and difficult but I over came it, there was no way that I was going to be defined by my ex step mother Ruth.  She was wrong about us, we didn't just survive we thrived.  We all raised strong, beautiful children.  I attest my strength to overcome my childhood to my mother in many ways, she had me for my most informative years and she always made me feel loved and wanted when I was around her.

I had that memory to get me through, so who am I to judge my mother when she gave me a strong foundation of love to begin with.  I have stumbled but I have never given up completely.  I have come to a point in my life that I understand that nothing is black and white, nothing.

I love my mother and I am glad that I told her that often.

Beauty is Individual

 I have been reconnecting with my high school crush, he was the dreamy boy I would let my mind wander about when I was in grade 10 Biology and Math.  He had blonde hair and blue eyes and the most amazing smile.  He used that smile often, I just had to see his face and I would light up.

I found him on Facebook a little over 3 years ago and we chatted off and on, he was always easy to talk to and laugh with.  Suddenly our whole relationship changed on a dime, it was like a whirlwind and so amazing.  We have talked often and really my face hurts from all the smiling.

The other night I told him that I only deserved the best and that he was that, he then said to me, have you ever thought it was me that deserves you?  I seriously almost melted.  I have never thought of myself as beautiful, yes I can be attractive but I had never really believed I was beautiful.  He makes me believe that I am though.

I can believe that he feels this about me because of his honest character and kindness his whole life.  He lives the way he talks, I adore that about him.  He believes in being kind and caring and even though he has had difficulties through out his life, he still continues to be kind and hopeful that all people are not just out for themselves.

There's a song that I think of when I am thinking about him

All I Have

You can say you love me

And I'll believe that's true

Trusting you is easy

'Cause I believe in you

There is nothing I would miss

As long as we're in love like this

CHORUS:

All I have is all I need

And it all comes down to you and me

How far away this world becomes

In the harbor of each others arms

I feel like I've known you forever and ever

Baby that's how close we are

Right here with you is where my life has come together

And where love has filled my heart

You know I'd go anywhere

As long as I have you to care

CHORUS

Ooh-and with the love you bring

I never want for anything

I found what I've been searching for in you

CHORUS

I am so excited for the future and he's right, I am beautiful because I am so beautiful on the inside.