Overcoming Challenges

How can I fail to control myself day after day?  I don't have an answer or I wouldn't fail so often.  I keep trying to figure out what kind of pain could be so awful that I'm not willing to deal with it?

Instead I sabotage myself, it's seems like I don't like myself because if I did, I wouldn't act so impulsive and do things I otherwise wouldn't.  It's like my weight issue, if I really wanted to lose the weight like I say I do, I would change my life and make time for exercise.

So here I am once again, trying to talk myself into just feeling the pain so I can get through it to the other side.  Every time I firmly focus, I get a blow; which I know means I'm on the right track. That does NOT make it one little bit easier.

Why does it have to be the people closest to us to deliver the blows, I know they don't mean to but it's so much harder to deal with. I know, I know, I know; if I can just deal with the challenge in a different way, I can progress.

There in lies my issue, why don't I want to progress?  Why do I make everything about me with my friends.  It's not all about me, people have problems or issues and I need to learn that just because I deal with things one way, does not mean it's right for others.

I just had an ah ha moment, I've been stressing out and allowing myself to get upset. I just realized I deal with my pain by talking, other people deal with it on their own. Neither way is wrong nor does either one mean that we're not important to each other.

I'm so glad I blogged tonight, I may not have solved everything but I seriously feel better with that one ah ha moment.

Lessons Of Love And Self Worth

I've been pondering how I got to the point where I thought I was not enough and where I thought it was okay to settle for less.  I know we learn a lot from our parents while growing up.  Mine were not great model parents, they were suffering from their own feelings of self worth.

My mother held onto loving one man all her life, even though they were rarely together.  She held on to this love for my father for nearly 50 years, I wonder if she missed out on real love, holding on to an idea of love.  My father was with more women than I think he could have counted, all trying to fill a void in his life.  If he had just actually committed to one woman, he may have found what he was lacking.

So, I somehow never understood that I  was enough...  I always felt like I had to fight for love, I've learned the lesson that I am enough, I am more than enough and that any man who wants me will have to make me feel special.  I will do the same for the right man, I don't want to be in competition for someones love...

My best friend helped me to understand that, why weren't he and I best friends all our lives?  If we had, I would have learned my self worth so much sooner... he refuses to let me see less than the best in myself.  He tells me I am wonderful and special regularly, everyone needs to know that.  I think he is amazing and more grounded than most people I know.

I know what I want now, I'm willing to wait... I want nothing less than the best.  I have some changes to make but at least I have a goal to work towards, when we don't have goals we don't grow.  

My oldest daughter somehow was strong enough to know her self worth despite my lack of it, I am hoping that now that I understand my self worth that I can teach that to my youngest.  Self worth starts at home, it starts with me, knowing that I am special helps me be a better mother, partner, friend, sister....  the list goes on.

That is the legacy I want to leave my daughters, they are more than enough just being themselves and that loving isn't about pain or competition.  When they love themselves, love will be drawn to them naturally.  I finally learned that for myself.

Pain And Growth

I've been having a bit of a reality check lately, we all have to have them time to time... I guess it's a way for us to grow.  Why does growing always seem to involve pain, I know once you grow from it that life can be so amazing but going through the pain can sometimes be unbearable.

I guess that is why people always try to hide the pain, they can't deal with it... I am one of those people that try to hide the pain, what has it ever accomplished for me, nothing.  I still have the pain, I just covered it for a short while with whatever... It didn't take it away, it always returns, the only way for it go away it to deal with it.

Hmmm, I just wish it was easier, it never is though.  I have taken some wrong paths in my life that have lead to painful growth that has brought so much joy when I walked through the pain.  I don't do that enough, I try so hard to cover it.  Because I had a setback, I failed to remember how blessed I am... all I could think of was the loss.

It is so true that whatever you focus comes into your life, I need to focus on the wonderful things I have and try to get past the loss.  There has to be away, I have dealt with it in the past, this one is just so much harder.  I guess that means great things are waiting for me to get myself together and walk through the pain to a joy I can not even imagine.

I need to do a gratitude blog, when I do that I remember how blessed I am, I also need to talk and pour my heart and thoughts out to a very close friend.  I really believe that the path to love is only found when being honest and open.  If there is anything less in a relationship, it's not a relationship that is worth salvaging.  I have learned that the hard way, at least I've learned it though.

Repeating The Past

Well, I just had an ah ha moment, sometimes they come in small whispers, the easiest way to learn but no, not me, I always wait until it is a big thump, I seem to learn the hard way.  What I mean by all this is that although it was a hard lesson, it's a good one learned.

So, my lesson today was that although I feel like I have come so far, I don't seem to mind going backwards by repeating the past.  I was astounded to think that I have done that.  I was so content and very very happy with my life and then when things didn't turn out just the way I know it will; instead of stopping there, I went above and beyond to cover the pain I felt.  

Not sure how to change it now but I definitely need to figure out a way.  Honesty is always the best way, I think the fear of how things will turn out are actually worse then finding out the outcome.  What is the absolute worst thing that can happen, if I am willing to deal with the worst outcome then I am ready to change.

Change is a part of life, it is needed for us to grow.  I have to remember that, I just need to go with it, instead of always fighting it and repeating the past.  I must say that my learning curve is getting much quicker, I guess because the older I get the less I want to cover pain as trying to do it for so many years has not helped me at all.  Instead I have not lived my best life.

I am making changes, as of now... one by one... until I am where I know I am meant to be.  I just needed that thump to get me started, I will learn to hear the whisper one day, when I have; the lesson has been wonderful immediately.

Friends

I've spent my life going from one challenge to another, somehow growing from each one and learning lesson after lesson.  Not always happy learning them all but ultimately grateful for each and everyone of them as I was able to see why I had to go through certain things to get to where I am today.

One thing that I missed was having a friend I could talk to often, almost daily... the kind of friend I could tell anything to and know that I would never be judged.  I lost a very very good friend like that nine years ago. I have some wonderful friends that I can talk to and that I love.  Now I have that special friend who makes me top priority and I do the same for him.

It's more amazing than I ever knew it could be.  This friend is my best friend, I love him with my whole heart.  The greatest thing is that not only would I do anything for this person, he would do the same for me.  I feel so safe with him, I have been able to tell him my inner most secrets and he has done the same with me.  We are connected so strong emotionally that it sometimes takes my breath away.

Once again, I have had to deal with something so challenging this week that I was sure it would break me but my friend was there, loving me, not judging me and before I knew it I started feeling better, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  I credit this to my friends and my very special friend who continually checked on me, let me talk, let me cry, let me rant and never made me feel small and insignificant.

I will be there for him for the rest of my life and I know he will be there for me too.  I feel so grateful to have found this close and special friend so late in my life.  I know I will have challenges to deal with in the future but I know I will have him beside me with each and every challenge I have to overcome.

Friends are wonderful and special close friends are amazing. 

Fairy Tale Love

Ever since I was a little girl, I've only wanted one thing in my life and that was to love someone and have them love me.  You'd think that would have been an easy task to fulfill.

I mean it's not like wanting to be rich or famous, where you have to hope for some good luck.  I figured all I would have to do was be a good, kind, honest and loving woman.  I was sure I would find that one guy.

Unfortunately, I had to go through some very rough and nasty times that could have broken me but I always I rose above it all and became stronger. Along this rough path I chose, I never seemed to meet that one sweet, honest and loving man.

Then out of nowhere, like a fairy tale, I connected with a man I have known for years. I had an insane crush on him when I was 15.  We connected in a way that neither of us have with anyone else.

The fairy tale went on; he was truly interested in me. We laughed together all the time, had non stop conversations. Whether it was on Skype, chat or on the phone, we couldn't get enough of each other.

 He was able to visit me after 6 weeks of us reconnecting. We had been talking for 3 years but talking intensely for 6 weeks.  It was amazing, he fulfilled a fantasy of mine and he brought a dozen red roses to my work. He told the receptionist that he had flowers for me and he was my soldier boy from out west.

It was all very romantic.  He was as kind and sweet as he always was. He held my hand while walking, opened the car doors, all the sweet stuff most men leave out.  I loved him before he even visited me but I came to love him more each day we spent together.

It was so hard to let him go when the time came as I had finally found that lost piece of myself. Fate or destiny whatever you want to call it gave me a piece of heaven. It's a time in my life that I will cherish for the rest of my life; I am so blessed and grateful to have him in my life.

The future is uncertain but I hold out hope that the whole fantasy will be a reality some day. All the missing puzzle pieces will be together one day.  Until that day I will work on being the best me.