First Love Versus True Love

In my twenties I was sure I had fallen deeply in love, so much so that I held on to that supposed love for over 20 years in my heart.  It took that long for me to see him as he really was, he was never worthy of my love.  He proved this many years later when I went through one of the worst experiences of my life.  When I told this man that I had been raped, this man that I thought I had loved asked me what I had expected?  Like it was my fault, he acted as if I had brought it on myself. Then he ignored me, which made me feel even less than I already felt.

A couple of years later, I reconnected with David and when I divulged to him what I had went through, he was kind, understanding, loving.... never once did he blame me.  He understood exactly what I went through. What a difference, some men have been taught how to treat a woman... others have no idea.

It was hard for me to believe that I was worth being treated with respect and honesty. I had always attracted men who used me and made me feel less than I was, I know I attracted them to me, as if I had any respect or love for myself, I never would have become involved with any of those men.

I've been taking a course on line that is making me question all the stories I have believed and told myself over the years. You know the one where I'm too fat and not pretty enough, I have carried that story around for years.... I have wasted too much of my life on it. It wasn't even my story, I took it on from other people from the past and made it mine.

I no longer buy into that story, I can't believe in that as no amount of weight loss, money, or recognition will bring true happiness.  I have to believe that I am worth more and deserve more, that is what brings true happiness. My question is why would anyone want to make another human being feel less then wonderful about themselves?... especially if it was a parent or someone that supposedly loves you?

Here is what I learned and truly believe, no one can make me feel bad about myself, only me.  No one can keep me down but me, no one can love me until I learn to love myself.  When I finally learned this and began to love myself, David came along. Someone who would never ever think of doing anything but uplifting me. Isn't that what true love is?

 I put two quotes below as they made me think... for all that time I wasted thinking my so called first love was worth giving all my attention to.  I was wrong,

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second."~Johnny Depp

Being someone's first love may be great, but to be their last is beyond perfect.<3

Knowing The Truth

 

I follow an inspiring blog 'The Daily Love'. Each day I open it and it seems to have been written for me. I'm sure other people feel this way as well. When I read this mornings topic of fear, I was surprised when I read this part:  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"  (Mastin Kipp).

I've known for a while that I never believed I was enough, due to how I was raised but more to how I chose or attracted people into my life. I let their story become my story and I played it over and over in my head. Believing it was true, almost. Deep down I knew that wasn't true, I knew I was here for a greater purpose and reason. I was just afraid, it was easier to live in the dark. The light brought out feelings I didn't want to deal with.

Reconnecting with David changed me, I could no longer think little of myself. He wouldn't let me continue with that story. He's told me often how wonderful and amazing I am, he wants me to feel about myself the way he sees me. David knows my past yet he doesn't believe that's who I am.  He sees the real me I try to hide for fear no one would love her, he loved her enough for both of us until I believed it too. I didn't want to see her, I knew that meant changing and I was afraid of change.

What if I changed and failed? I've tried so many times before and slipped up, that was before David though and the new story he's helped me see. I am enough, I am wonderful and I truly deserve the best.  I can't go back to the dark without denying what I know to be true. Each day I wake up I think of my David, my children and my very close friends. I also choose to be happy no matter what's going on with my life.

As hard as life is, there is always something to be grateful for, something to smile about. No, I do not believe life is perfect, we will have sadness but we cannot allow ourselves to wallow in it.

I'm so grateful and thankful that David came back into my life, he helped me to see the best in me, I can see nothing less now.

Investing In Me

I have been wanting to write for the past couple of days but each time I sat down to write my thoughts were muddled.  Nothing clear was coming through, I am pretty sure it's because my house has become a source of stress for me.  I have come to realize that my house is fast becoming a metaphor for how I'm feeling inside.

I know a lot of this chaos started happening when my relationship with David changed in January.  Although we are closer to each other than any other people.  He's my best friend, my soul mate, my rock.  I can say or do anything and he will always be there for me. I want the whole thing though, I want the fairy tale love ending. I deserve that.  I can't settle for less for it won't bring me lasting happiness.

I have finally committed to going back to church, I've always known I should be back there and David has supported me in this change. I'm really grateful that he is understanding and that he thinks it is good for me. I really believe that being loving and supporting of the people we love is what brings us closer to each other.

I have been trying to come to terms with how everything played out with David and me and in the process my house became what I couldn't handle.  Now it has become so out of control that I don't know where to start, it all seems so over whelming.  I need a goal, when I make a goal I seem to thrive, I just haven't made the goal.  I'm pretty sure that if I make the decision to actually clean and organize my house that would mean I would have to deal with other aspects of my life.

I made a step today to invest in me, I decided I am worth the time and energy to figure out why I have done some of the things in my life and made the choices I have made. I was asked a question tonight... 'What three things are stopping you from becoming what you want to be?"  I only had one answer, it was me... I am the only thing stopping me.  I have no one to blame for my choices, only me.

If I want that fairy tale love ending, I have to be honest and open with me, to make the changes to be able to have all that I desire.  Anything less means that I don't believe I deserve it.

Fear Versus Reality

Wow, I just had a moment... My fears play on me when I let them. Here I am going back to church where I know I need to be, for a number if reasons. I know the truth and I can't deny it and live with myself. I've never been ashamed of my beliefs but I've not always told people what I do believe because I didn't want people to judge the gospel on my behavior.

I finally made the decision to go back with David's help and support. I truly enjoy being back, it was all very uplifting. I was aware that I would have challenges to overcome, however; I allowed my fear to take over tonight.

I know that the fear I have is unfounded, it's all in my head. It's the story I tell myself when I don't think I deserve good things. All I can say is amazing things are in store for me, the bigger the fear to overcome the bigger the blessings will be.

I've come to a point that things don't matter, only people matter. Even though I know in my heart that I'm important, needed, wanted and loved. I still allowed fear to tell me a story that I'm unlovable. I'm lovable, I deserve all the biggest and best blessings there are to be offered. Everything I desire that will guide me to be better is mine, if only I don't give into the fear.

I'm so grateful that I really figured out what was going on tonight. I wouldn't want to wallow in that for any length of time, doing that would only break me down.

I choose to believe the best of myself. I choose to unmask the fear and bring it into the light, that way it can't control me.

Happiness In Freedom

Why is it when a person is happy that people think that it's not real?  Is it because people can't believe others are just happy because... I have no one reason why I'm happy, there are many reasons.   I tend to smile and laugh a lot....  no, it's not easy but it is better than the alternative.  I try to see the best side, life gives us enough bad things, why shouldn't I look for the best whenever possible?

I admit that in the past I was not always positive and happy but I wanted to change that, I am blessed and extremely grateful for all that I have.  I have two amazing daughters, wonderful sisters, many great friends, my church, my career and David, my soul mate.   How could I not be happy?  That would not be gratitude.

Don't get me wrong, we all have bad days, that is a part of life but those days do not have to define us.  No one and I mean no one defines my happiness, I wake up each morning and I make a decision to be happy and grateful.  When things don't go the way I think it should, I am learning to handle that even better because it is so true that I don't always know what is best for me, I've had to remember there are greater forces working out there. 

There were times that I did fake being happy in the beginning of my change but it honestly didn't last long.  I feel  lucky to be where I am in my life, I have overcome numerous challenges, many things that could have taken most people down.  I didn't just survive, I thrived... I overcame my ex stepmother Ruth who did her best to make me feel like I was worthless.  I also overcame my ex husbands abuse, emotional, physical and sexual, I am free of him, free to live my life the way I want to, he's not.  How could I not be happy that I am free? Anyone that felt trapped and held back will know exactly what I mean. 

Being free is what makes me happy, freedom brings a peace like nothing else can.  

My Male Role Models

I am more than willing to do the work that is needed to help me grow, I believe I need to be honest and open with myself or I will always stay where I am.  I learned something today where I felt the need to have my fathers love, since I felt so unwanted and unloved by him.  When I was younger, I attempted to be the best in school, the strongest emotionally of my sisters (which I was not), I wanted to come off strong and capable of taking care of myself, to show I wasn't weak.

Why I wanted his acceptance I will never know, my father never respected a woman in his life, it was always all about him.  I ended up choosing men like him, in doing so... I just ended up disrespecting myself after each failed relationship.  I never had those men love me and only me because they didn't love their selves.

Am I angry at my father, no... I don't blame him for my terrible choices, I am an adult, I have only myself to look to.  It was just unfortunate that I never had a decent role model growing up, I had to find other male role models to follow.  Finally I chose and attracted a man who loves me, respects me, honors me and thinks I am incredibly amazing.

That is only a good thing, regardless of how we both end up in the future... I have learned to want better because of him and from him.  I refuse to accept less then the best than I deserve. The fabulous thing is that he wants me to have the best, he wants me to be happy and he wants me to respect myself. He finds the best in me when I thought it didn't exist, he showed me how wonderful, amazing and deserving I am.

I am grateful that my oldest daughter chose a man who is an amazing role model, one that loves, respects and feels she is beyond amazing.  I really hope my youngest daughter has the same strong will and chooses a man deserving of her beautiful soul.

Soul Mate

I have spent most of my life thinking if anyone knew me inside that people would be judgmental, I have let some people into my life and my heart.  I have never let anyone in fully, I always felt I had to act a certain way, put on a face. For if they really knew all of me they wouldn't or couldn't love me.  David changed that for me, the more I told him about myself and why I made choices that I've made, the more I wanted to tell him.  He was loving, kind, understanding.

Don't get me wrong, he calls me out on things, he doesn't think that the things I have done are okay, he just understands and doesn't judge me.  It's really scary opening yourself up to someone, I should know... I have rarely done this in my life.  People that know me might be sitting there and wondering really???  I talk about myself a lot, only because I love to talk and I don't want to talk about anyone else unless I was given permission. But what I talk about myself is what I want to share, not everything.

David shares everything with me too, he thinks he has things people would think were odd, I don't think that at all... I think he's amazing.  There is nothing he could tell me that would stop me from loving him and there is nothing or no one that could change how he feels about me. I think that is wonderful and incredible. I finally met my soul mate, the person I feel so comfortable and at ease with. David uplifts me and wants the best for me, he makes me laugh and smile uncontrollably.  What more could anyone ask for in a man, I could ask for nothing more.

I feel so blessed because I know that very few people in this life meet or find someone that they can truly be their selves with, mainly because as much as we want that special someone, we are too afraid to be our selves. We are fearful that if we are, they will leave us, stop loving us... I don't feel that with David, I feel safe with him, I feel safe with us.

All Girls Are Princesses

I've been thinking of how I've had such low self esteem the majority of my life and how I made choices that kept me at that level. I forgot the truth about myself and all women.  We are all princesses, it doesn't matter if we are young, old, skinny, large, etc. Whatever we are, we are all beautiful in our own way. I had to think about it this way, my two girls are very beautiful to me. When either one tells me they are not, I get upset that they cannot see what I see.

I had a bit of an a-ha moment with that, because I haven't always thought I was all that beautiful but I was only thinking of the outside packaging. I don't believe my children are beautiful just because of their looks. I think they are beautiful on the inside, which radiates on the outside.

My oldest who is very head strong is beautiful to me because she's strong willed and does not settle for less then what she deserves. She respects herself enough to only want the best, she knows her self worth. That is beautiful to me.

My youngest is incredibly thoughtful, she draws me pictures, gives me tons of hugs and she radiates that sweet nature she has inside. She is so kind, so loving and such a chatterbox. I miss her when she's not home, she lights my day up.

I have been pondering on this since my youngest told me one day that she couldn't live in a castle because she wasn't a princess yet...  I looked at her and I said you are a princess, all girls are princesses and don't ever forget it.  She smiled, I tell her this often now, I always want her to remember that.  It was around this time that I realized that I believed this for my children but have not always believed this for myself.

There was my a-ha moment, if I want my children to know that they are amazing, I have to believe that I am as well... Is this easy?  No... it is not easy at all but it's true. If we want the people in our lives to believe how wonderful they are, we have to believe in ourselves.  If I want to have positive happy people in my life, I have to be positive and happy.  The truth is that whatever you send out comes back to you in equal force, I choose to send out love.

Uncertainty

I am taking a self awareness course and this quote was posed, "The quality of your life is directly related to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably live with. Tony Robbins", told by Mastin Kipp♥".  We all need certainty but as much as we need this, we cannot have it all the time, if we did... we would be bored.  So, we need uncertainty as well to thrive.  As soon as I heard that I knew how true it was, we need uncertainty as it can bring excitement.  However; we cannot have total uncertainty, it can be reckless.

If I am ever to grow, I have to give up the need to have total certainty in my life, if I don't I will never have any of my dreams or desires.  I have stopped myself from having what I need by not always allowing myself to be open to change.  We all do this to a different degrees due to the fear of the unknown.  

Anytime I have allowed myself to be open to change, that is when I have grown the most.  I have had disappointment and sadness in my life, we all have but if we close ourselves off due to the pain we cannot have what we need and want.  This past year of my life, I have been more open than I have ever been, this was when I knew that I was meant to be there for a very good friend, I was meant to help them.  I was extremely happy to do this for my friend, I never felt it was an imposition.  I would do this again in a moment. 

I also reconnected with my friend who is my soul mate, it's so amazing to have that relationship in my life. If I had not been open to doing what I knew I should, I never would have been open to my friend.  Then when things did not work out perfectly right away, I started to close up, my excuse... I was sad.  I didn't want to feel the pain.  I stopped my growth with fear.  In this past week, I have realized that I need to open up again, regardless of the outcome, I need to do this to grow. 

As scary as I know it will be... I need to embrace the uncertainty.

Attitude Change

The last month and a half has been difficult, I've come to realize that a lot of it has to do with my attitude.  I seriously needed to turn it around, I'm not that negative usually.  I have just had some very huge and I mean huge changes in my life, which is not all that easy to handle.

All the changes are actually good in the long run but so hard to handle short term. Especially  when  I made so many changes at once. So, the great thing is that I asked a few friends to fast with me to help me over the difficult times, of course that worked but I still had to feel my emotions.

I'm really grateful for family and friends who have been there for me.  I have been extremely blessed with two wonderful and amazing daughters, fantastic sisters, incredible friends and one soul mate who makes me smile and laugh endlessly.  It has been rough not being able to talk to him when I need to but I know that regardless, I am very important to him and our time will come after this course to finally talk.

I know I am going to have rough days where I am not sure I can deal with my life, where I am melancholy, sad and out of sorts.  I just have to remember what David has worked so hard to make me believe, I am kind, loving, thoughtful and honest, I only deserve the best.  I honestly don't think two people could be so different from each other than David and Andrey... Andrey felt the need to tear me down so he could  feel better and David builds me up to make me feel better.

I have to work on my attitude change so that I don't freak out when life does not turn out exactly as I want it to.... maybe I don't always know what's best for me, I have to trust that everything will work out the way it is supposed to, I have to have faith. I guess it's hard not to be in control and to just trust, I'm working on that daily.

Roller Coaster Ride

I have been on a roller coaster ride for the past six weeks, maybe more... I just don't understand why I do that, I don't even like roller coasters.  It makes me wonder why I keep jumping on them and going for a ride that I end up regretting each time.

This past week has been incredibly difficult as I knew it would be when I finally decided to feel my emotions, whether they were sadness, fear, loneliness... covering them just wasn't working for me anymore. Hence the roller coaster rides I've taken... feeling all your emotions is extremely difficult, especially when I have been doing everything in my power not to feel them.

For ten years or so while I was growing up, I was not allowed to say how I felt, I had to bottle it up inside even though that can hurt you so much, it was my way to exist; it helped me to survive my childhood which was mostly fearful, sad and lonely... I never felt like I was really wanted or needed.  I wanted to make it different when I was older and had a family of my own.

Truthfully I couldn't make it better as I never had the tools, I needed to heal the little girl inside of me.  Without healing her, I will never get better.  I ran from her, I didn't want to feel that way, instead of getting away from the past, it followed me.  It always does if you don't deal with it,  I can never run far enough away, believe me... I have tried.

Andrey was a perfect example of how I felt about myself,  I didn't love myself enough to expect more and expect better. I thought I had come a long way with David but I hadn't because I was still hiding my emotions, still not feeling my pain.  I've been wanting to fix that part of my life and this week I chose to confront it.  Maybe I should have waited when I would have my closest friend available to me, however; I have been feeling the need to change and I had to stop making excuses.

I am the queen of excuses and believe me, I am not proud of that.  I can't make excuses anymore, David has made me believe that I deserve better.  Even though I know I deserve better, it doesn't make it any easier to handle.  Changing the way I have dealt with my emotions for the past 40 years or more is way more difficult than I knew.  I want to be successful, I have to do it this time or I will always be on that roller coaster ride.

Am I Too Broken

I have been trying so hard to work on myself and believe that I am worthy of what people tell me I am but deep down I think I am too broken to repair.  I keep being disappointed and instead of handling the disappointment I fail each time.  I know that I am supposed to accept what life offers me but sometimes it keeps pulling me down and I'm not sure I can keep bringing myself back up.

There are times I think I am strong for all that I have survived then other times like this I wonder how much disappointment one person could handle. Then I feel selfish for feeling that way when I have so much in my life,   I know that I have had many blessings in my life but sometimes it's hard to continue to see all the good things when there are so many losses to deal with.

I've made some really huge changes this week and I really really needed to have someone there to help me get through, I've been so alone, I haven't felt like I've had anyone to open up to.  I don't want to fail this time but it's so hard being alone doing this.  I have been lost and broken for so long, I'm not sure I can be repaired, definitely not by myself.

I just don't even know if I can keep picking myself up, I want to think that I can I'm just not sure.   It's becoming harder to deal with, especially when I finally find what I've always been missing and I lose that.  Why did I even get it for a small time, just so it can be taken away.  I almost think it would have been better to never have it.

I finally felt safe and now I don't....  now I feel alone again.

Missing Puzzle Pieces

I've been living my life always looking for something, something to fill up the emptiness. After 48 years I found it, I felt like I came home, I felt whole. I knew I was missing something and when I found it, it was like wow. Then it was taken away and I wondered if it was worth having only to lose???

How can I finally have the missing pieces filled only to lose them? Was I supposed to learn something from all this? If so what? That I can handle loss?? Really?? Is this what it was all about.

I can't believe that I found what I've been looking for all my life. I was beyond exuberantly happy and incredibly grateful. Honestly no one could have been happier. I found I could love again, I found my best friend and confidant. No, I haven't lost my best friend, he'll always be there for me. However; it's not in the same form that it was in the beginning.

I know life can change on a dime, I just have to be patient and give it time. It's just SO hard when I know I've found what makes me whole and I have to wait for someone else to know it too. 

Before anyone thinks, aren't we supposed to be whole when we enter a relationship?  Sure that would be great but unrealistic.  Sometimes you are made whole from someone who understands you and takes the time to help you find yourself. Sometimes...it takes someone believing in you to help you believe in yourself.  It's not that I was never whole, it's that I know it now when I never knew it before. 

Emotions And Letting Go

Although I feel a little sad and lonely today, I'm hoping by allowing myself to feel those emotions I will be able to get past them.  So far, not so good.... however; the alternative isn't an option anymore.  I guess I will just have to continue to be a little weepy and sad, for now.

I'm out of sorts tonight, I really think I just need to talk to my best friend, say everything I am feeling, he always makes me feel better.... unfortunately he's studying like crazy and has absolutely no time to talk.  It'll be another 3 weeks before we can spend more than a minute or two chatting.  I know my other friends would let me talk to them but I just cannot open up to them the way I do with him.

I really wish the buses were not on strike, I just need to be able to get around when and where I want to. I love that I have amazing friends like Pammy who picks me up for work and drives me home, I know it's a lot for her to do and I really appreciate it. As well as Cindy who takes care of Valentina through the week so that I can work.  I really do have wonderful friends.

I'm afraid and I really don't like fear getting to me, controlling me.... the fear does not have to succeed but being completely open and honest is the only way to make sure the fear doesn't win. When you bring fear out into the light, it has no where to hide and you are able get passed it.   I know that David loves me regardless of what I tell him, will other people?

I am going to have a fast tomorrow, I haven't done that for a long time but I need to focus on some issues and fasting has always helped me to do that. I'm just going to jump in, immerse myself , anything to keep me busy.  I have a long way to go but this is not a path I want to leave.  It's been hard to get back, now I know it's time.  I won't take anything so lightly, I will be grateful and thankful and remember how lucky I am.

There are many changes in my life, not exactly what I wanted but who knows what the future holds.  Sometimes it just all gets to be too much and I end up having a weepy sad day... I know it doesn't help but I just have no other way of getting things out.  There's always a light at the end of the tunnel!  When you are in the tunnel, it seems you will never get to the other side but we always do... at least I always have come out on the other side and usually I figure out quite quickly what I needed to know.  This tunnel has been very long but I can almost see the light... I just have to have a little more patience.

Learning To Trust Myself

I have been hearing the same message over and over for the past few months, it's becoming more frequent lately. The message has been about being honest about what I need to fix in my life. I was waiting to fix it until... isn't that the excuse we all use.

I now know what I should have known all along, I just have to take the first step. No one expects me to make it without stumbling, just me. That's unrealistic, I'm a human being, I'll fail many times until I succeed. It's a part of living and growing.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm afraid like everyone else, what if everyone knew all my secrets, all my weaknesses, would they still love me? Isn't that what we all fear? We just want to feel safe with someone who we know we can say what we need and know that we are loved no matter what.

When I learned to love someone that way, loving them no matter what they told me!  I wanted to be their soft place to fall. The way we want to be their for our children, we always want them to know that we will be there, loving them always; at least I've wanted that and most people I know, do as well.

I finally learned to trust someone to be my soft place, I actually trusted myself to trust him and I was right, he'd rather hurt himself than hurt me. I feel good that I can choose the right things, the right people and the right places; I used to never trust myself because I was so afraid of the choices I had made.

I've grown though now, I'm not nearly as impulsive as I was even a few years ago. I've settled down and started to center myself, after all the chaos, all the turmoil, I've learned to be happy with me and to trust me. It feels good.

Attracting What You Feel

I was talking with a friend last night and she was lamenting the fact that she was still alone and so desperately wanting someone in her life.  I understood what she meant as I had felt that way myself for many years. However; I no longer want to be in that place, I work hard not to be there, I make a conscious decision daily to be happy and feel that I am enough on my own.

I really was a very negative person for many years of my life and I am so glad I stopped wasting time and I now choose to be positive and happy.  When I pointed out that she would be an incredible partner for the right man and that she never knew when it could happen.  She didn't share my vision, that's when I remember that I never shared that vision when other people told me the same thing.

Since I never believed I was enough, I never met a quality person, I settled for less then what was the best for me.  I read about dating/marrying at the level of our self esteem, I certainly had no self esteem when I married Andrey, if I had any, I never would have married him.  I actually believed he was the best I could do and that is so very sad.

Being free from him has allowed me to really think about what I felt about myself and I had to admit that I had attracted that type of person to me as I believed so little of myself.  Now I expect the best, nothing less... I am a wonderful woman, I deserve the best and I am enough.  One of my ways of continuing to be happy regardless of the situations in my life, is because I choose to surround myself with fantastic people who see the best in me.

I am not saying  that we cannot be sad or feel down, that is normal, we all have those days.  I just refuse to let it linger, I can't or won't allow myself to live in that place, it draws all the energy out of you to feel that way.  I choose to use my energy to be happy and smile. When I reconnected with David, he told me that what drew me to him then was that I was so positive and happy, he wanted that feeling. I hadn't tried to be positive to draw David to me but that happened because I was happy and showed it.

Finding The Path

Well, I am on my own throughout the week since this bus strike is on.  I am going to use this time to organize myself, so that when this strike is over, I will just have to keep it up and not organize at the same time.

I used to love to be organized, it was important.  In the past few years it has become unimportant, where the house has become intolerable.  I finally want to have my home really organized, everywhere.  If I am organized in my home, I won't be so out of control in other areas of my life.

I think being organized would make me a better mother, instead of always digging or searching for items, they will all have a home.  For this to work, Valentina will have to be on board.  I think once she sees that she can have so much more of my time if we keep our home clean, she will hopefully pitch in and at least keep her room clean.  That is a job in it's own.

So, the other thing I have been thinking about is going back to church, I have had things I have had to deal with in my life for many years.  I had hoped that I would get myself together a lot sooner but somethings take longer.  I never doubted the church or my testimony, I just didn't want to be held accountable for my actions... at the time, I was and am well aware I will have to deal with my own accountability.  I like to believe that Heavenly Father is exactly as we all know He is, He is forgiving and understanding.

You know what helped me get to this point, my very closest friend, I shared all my innermost thoughts and actions for the past 10 years of my life and he was understanding and kind and loving, so non judgmental.  I started thinking that if a person here on earth could be that loving with my faults.  Then I know Heavenly Father can be lovingly forgiving to me too.

So, time for me to go back... really get involved.  I know this can only help me to grow in good ways.  I have learned a lot from all the challenges I have had in the past and many more in the future, I am sure.  The main thing that I learned was that I have absolutely no right to ever judge another human being, I have no idea where they are at in their life and where their path is leading.

I also learned that I deserve the best, I won't except less... I am sure Heavenly Father helped my friend get that into my head.  No one else ever could.  I also am so grateful for my positive attitude, I know it can bother people sometimes but I am not going to change. Having my positive attitude has helped me find the path I was meant to be on.

First Step On The Path

I made that first step on the path, it started with cleaning some of Valentina's room, we made a good dent after 3 hours and 2 full green bags.  Much more to go but at least she is being open minded to it.  Instead of throwing my hands up and saying forget it, there is too much... I have decided to take it one day as it comes.  Each day I will do a little to get organized, make it part of my routine.

The next thing I am really thinking about is exercise, I want to figure out a way to incorporate it in my life so that it will be easy enough that I won't think of excuses not to do it.  I am hoping that our bus strike here will not be a long one, it has inconvenienced so many people.  Once it's over, I think I will try to walk a little more.

I also think I need to do something that will help me to relax, something like meditation or yoga, I am going to look into that.  I want as much calmness in my life that is possible.  The more calmness, the more love, the more happiness and joy.

Negative things happen, I am not looking for them.  I am only looking for the positive, there is always something to learn even from challenges.  I know the past couple of weeks have been a huge challenge for me, I'm not sure that I have learned all that I need to learn.  However; I know one day I will understand the lesson and see that it was for the best.

I also know I was meant to be happy and have joy, we all are.  That isn't just for me, it's an offer to all of us.  We just have to see the positive, the goodness, the love.  Whenever I think my life is just falling apart and believe me, there are days.  I remember how blessed I have been throughout my life, I have always known, deep down, in my darkest times... that there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel.

I choose to feel happy, I choose to feel love... I choose to believe that I will have what I need in my life and even some of my wants.  All of course in accordance with what is best for me, it always ends up being what is best for me and that is when I see the goodness, after having made it through the dark tunnel.

I choose to give my best regardless of what other people give.  I choose to love even if it's scary, I choose to conquer my fears so that I can live the life I was meant to live.  My best life.

Past Reflections

I have had a very long and thoughtful week, I've just been on my own except for work for the past 3 days because of this bus strike.  I have had lots of time to ponder things and events in my life. I learned why I feel certain ways about myself, a lot of it has to do with who my male role models were when I was growing up.

I must say I did not have good male role models, I was taught for a man to love me, I had to be beautiful, thin and anticipate his wants and needs.  Wow, how archaic is that?  I didn't give my children great father figures but at least I didn't let them grow up in those households.  I raised them myself, or rather not by myself but with the help of many kind and wonderful friends.

I have been lucky and blessed that I have always had good friends throughout my life.  There have been many friends over the years that I have been able to count on in my rough times.  I know that is not an easy thing to attain in life, real, true friends.  Soul mate friends are even harder, I have only met one of those, the kind of person you can tell anything to, I mean anything.

When that comes into your life, you wonder where it was all the time and why it took so long to find it?  It has been something I have wanted for so long, I have dreamed of and fantasized of since I was a little girl.  I felt so alone when I was a little girl, I had few people I could talk to, I was so shy.  It only became more painful as I became a teenager, it wasn't until I was in my mid twenties that I decided to change.

That was when I decided to extend myself, open myself up to new people, to really know someone.  Now that is one of my talents, because I made a decision to be friendly and open, I met many great friends over the years. I am glad I looked past my fear of being rejected years ago, for if I had not, I would have missed out on some wonderful relationships.

Now if I can just apply that to my life in other ways, just make a decision to do something, make a commitment and live up to it.  I've given so much time to other people and other causes, I almost lost my way on the path.  If I lose myself, I will not have a thing to offer anyone else.  I need to look after myself so that I can offer my best.