Past Reflections

I have had a very long and thoughtful week, I've just been on my own except for work for the past 3 days because of this bus strike.  I have had lots of time to ponder things and events in my life. I learned why I feel certain ways about myself, a lot of it has to do with who my male role models were when I was growing up.

I must say I did not have good male role models, I was taught for a man to love me, I had to be beautiful, thin and anticipate his wants and needs.  Wow, how archaic is that?  I didn't give my children great father figures but at least I didn't let them grow up in those households.  I raised them myself, or rather not by myself but with the help of many kind and wonderful friends.

I have been lucky and blessed that I have always had good friends throughout my life.  There have been many friends over the years that I have been able to count on in my rough times.  I know that is not an easy thing to attain in life, real, true friends.  Soul mate friends are even harder, I have only met one of those, the kind of person you can tell anything to, I mean anything.

When that comes into your life, you wonder where it was all the time and why it took so long to find it?  It has been something I have wanted for so long, I have dreamed of and fantasized of since I was a little girl.  I felt so alone when I was a little girl, I had few people I could talk to, I was so shy.  It only became more painful as I became a teenager, it wasn't until I was in my mid twenties that I decided to change.

That was when I decided to extend myself, open myself up to new people, to really know someone.  Now that is one of my talents, because I made a decision to be friendly and open, I met many great friends over the years. I am glad I looked past my fear of being rejected years ago, for if I had not, I would have missed out on some wonderful relationships.

Now if I can just apply that to my life in other ways, just make a decision to do something, make a commitment and live up to it.  I've given so much time to other people and other causes, I almost lost my way on the path.  If I lose myself, I will not have a thing to offer anyone else.  I need to look after myself so that I can offer my best.