Forgiveness Is For Me

Forgiveness is something that I learned a long time ago, I was 15 when I understood that forgiveness was not for the person who hurt me, it was for me.  I have already blogged about my ex step mother who was unbelievably abusive.

I remembered one night she was really angry at me, she asked me how I really felt about her, I told her for the first time in my life that I hated her, I really hated her.  She was so upset with me that she smacked me in the head with a wooden clog.  Not too long after that she wanted me to tell her something, I refused and she threatened to get the rifle my father owned as she was going to shoot me.

I remember thinking that the whole thing was surreal and I stood up for myself and freaked out and told her, go ahead, shoot me... I don't care.  I didn't care in that moment, I was so sick of all the abuse.  Sick of being afraid, tired of her hurling insult after insult.  She was and is a psychotic perfectionist who had the need to control whoever she could and the children that came in contact with her were hurt over and over.

Soon after the rifle issue, I started to pray every night, I prayed that I would be free of her... I no longer hated her or wished ill thoughts on her.  I actually felt sorry for her because I was young, my life ahead of me; she was old and unhappy.  I prayed for nearly six months that I would be free of all her tyranny.  Finally, my opportunity came and I walked out of there without a nasty thought for her.  I believed in karma which is basically the law of attraction, I just didn't know what it was that I believed in until many years later.

If you hurt people, it always comes back on you, I would never ever wish for anyone to have to deal with pain but I see that it happens over and over.  My thought is that I will never be the one to dole out the pain, at least not on purpose, I try very hard not to wish nasty things on people, I don't like feeling like that or thinking like that.  Although I wish no ill will on my ex step mother, I actually had to forgive her for all the horrible things she did to me so that I could move on and not be a victim.  I have not always done well with forgiveness but I try over and over to remember that forgiveness is not for the other person and it is not like I have to be friends with that person but I needed to forgive for me to grow.

Is there anyone that you need to forgive so that you can grow?  I am here to attest that holding on to anger will only bring you down.  The other person could care less if you have nasty thoughts about them, they are so angry and sad, they can only see their own pain. If you think about this, it's very sad... somewhere a long the line they have been hurt and instead of rising above it, they take it out on others.  I have always wanted to rise above the pain, understanding that I am not defined by my past, I don't have to live there.  I am not doomed to repeat the past, neither were they, they chose to repeat it.