The Obstacle Of Fear

 Every time I think I'm okay, I get in a melancholy mood.  For some reason I'm there now; I'm trying to figure out how to pull myself out of it.  I want to understand why I allow people's actions towards me to define how I feel.  Either that or something beyond amazing is going to happen for me and I'm in this sad doubtful mood, where I should be remaining   positive and upbeat.

I am so upbeat all the time, I guess it's inevitable that I am sad once in a while, right?  Really people cannot be happy all the time, I am happy a good 95% of the time.  I also dislike being afraid, I know fear just means I'm meant to grow but damn, it's scary, really scary. I don't want someone or something to choose my path, I want to be the one that does that.

I know, I know... that's me being a control freak, I cannot know what the future holds, I need to remain strong and positive and go with the flow. Apparently I don't know what's best for me, as much as I think I do.

I have been trying so hard to just feel my feelings and deal with the pain when it comes, instead of covering the pain with eating, etc.  So far so good, I guess we all have to be challenged to see if we'll pass.  It's scary because the first thing I thought of was doing something to take the pain away. That made me cry to think I haven't grown as much as I'd hoped.

Then again maybe I have grown, I blogged instead, maybe there's hope for me after all. It's possible I will get over or through the huge challenges ahead. I just don't like that my mind went to my old thought patterns, those actions certainly never made me happy.