Will I Ever Be Enough? Only If I Believe

Will I ever be enough? Or will a small part of me always hold me back from my potential? It makes me sad to know that although I have come so far in my life, I have yet to believe that I'm enough the way that I am.

I had a seminar last night that focused on what I want and need in a relationship, I know exactly what I deserve but somehow I don't believe I deserve it. If I truly believed it, I wouldn't continue to make the choices I make. I need to figure out how to get my heart and mind on the same page.

My heart believes I'm not enough so I'm unwilling to give love a chance. My mind knows I'm enough from all the seminars and books I've read and my belief in God. However; I rarely seem to get my heart and mind on the same page. I need them to work together if I'm ever to have my hearts desire.

I have only taken two chances in my life to really fall in love, given my heart completely and neither of them went well.  My heart was broken so badly both times that I was unsure I could love again. The first time was when I was young and it lasted emotionally for over 20 years.  When I finally got that out of my system, I decided not to give my heart to anyone again. 

Life is funny though, along came someone that I never thought I would have the opportunity to love and he was so easy to love, so easy to open my heart to; that my mind and heart opened at the same time and I gave him all of me. I sadly had my heart broken even worse than the first time.  Even now I wonder how I will ever open myself again to anyone.

I rush into a relationship thinking if the man could just hold me, be with me, he'd see how wonderful I was he'd never want to leave me. Instead I should hold back and wait for him to realize or know how amazing I am. This is where I falter and don't believe in myself enough.

This is day nine on the cleanse and I am kind of weepy and reflective. Not always the best combination for me, I don't want to wallow in the past with what ifs? I want to stand up and say the truth and believe it fully 'the past does not define me'.