Life Decision

 "We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy."  Walter Anderson

 Isn't it sad when a dream you've had doesn't work out the way you KNOW it should have, people do have their own free agency, I have to accept that. What did I learn from this?  There's always something to learn.

Some lessons are harder than others:/.  I learned that even when life does not go in the direction I want it to go, that cutting myself off is not the way to go. I have cut myself off in the past because the pain has been unbearable.  This time I felt it, I sobbed non stop for a full day; I wondered if I would ever be able to stop crying. 

The old me would have did any number of things to push the pain down, not healthy things either.  Although this pain that I felt was almost beyond what I thought I could handle, I went through it clear headed, sobbed, talked and finally made a decision.

I had to decide which pain was more worth it.  The pain of not having someone I want in my life and cutting them out so I could heal?  Or maintaining the relationship for what it is even if my dream is dying.  I decided that maintaining it would be more beneficial to me, although difficult; it was better then the alternative.  Also I remembered how Tony cut me out of his life because he didn't feel he could just be friends with me... the feeling was awful and I could not do this to another person that I love more than anything else next to my children.

I just needed to breathe, think and relax; getting off social media helped.  I had nothing to hide behind, nothing:/.   I had to really ponder, also I went out to visit a few people and I left my problems out of the visit.  I just stopped making it all about me, it's not all about me.  I don't want to be selfish, I want to be selfless. 

When I say selfless I don't mean that I'm not going to take care of myself, that is the only way I can be of any good to anyone else.  What I mean is that life does not revolve around just me, there's a bigger picture.

So dreams go by the wayside or maybe they just change.  The future isn't written yet.   The one thing I knew for sure was that I had to come to terms with it so that I could feel less sad.  There's hope for me yet.

I love this song, When She Danced... there is so much truth in this song in the line that says  "If you ask me to choose between a memory or two

When it's said and done, I'll take the one who's love I had to lose"

This song say all the words I feel about David:

I never thought that I could feel a love so tender

Never thought I could let those feelings show

But now my heart is on my sleeve

And this love will never leave