Never Lose Hope

I honestly have no idea where I got my tenacity from... it's a great thing to have except when I don't see the results immediately and than I make myself crazy.  Mainly because I start feeling fear as soon as what I know should happen doesn't happen immediately.  I met a guy in September 2009 and almost right away I knew that I was supposed to be there for him, not in the romantic way.  I had feelings for him but I also knew that nothing lasting could come from it and I knew deep down I was just there to help him.

I know that everyone thought I was bonkers and there were times that I thought I needed to get off that wagon but no matter how hard I tried to move on, I KNEW that I was supposed to be there for him... finally in July 2011 he let me help him and I have to say it was one of the happiest times of my life.  It meant I didn't have to worry about him, I had him here so that I could make sure he was okay.  Of course everything comes full circle and he moved on when he was ready.  I wasn't even sad, I was happy for him.

I had the same feeling about Tony for so many years, he finally destroyed that when he not only didn't handle that my ex Andrey raped me but he actually asked me what I expected.   Let me say this loud and clear, I DID NOT expect to be raped, if I had expected that I would not have allowed him into my house that night.  That night changed me, made me vulnerable...  made me out of control.  I knew I had lost Tony that night but it was a year before it finally sunk in that he did not deserve for me to continue to believe.  He had abandoned me in my greatest need.  Just because he didn't feel like he could be my friend he left me to feel horrible about myself.

I somehow continue to hold onto people and ideas, usually it always works out for me, it just takes time, time where I get so close to giving up.   I never like to lose hope, when I know something should be a certain way, I never let go.  I know that there are many people who I have known throughout my life who cannot understand why I do this.  I understand where they are coming from as I sometimes wonder myself but still I don't give up.  Even though it can cause me to have a great deal of pain.  

I remember my grandmother telling me once when I was a teenager that I was very tenacious... at the time I didn't really understand what she meant but as I lived my life, other people said the same thing about me and then I researched exactly what they meant.

I read this in the dictionary and it really did fit me to a tee:

Not readily letting go of, giving up, or separated from an object that one holds, a position, or a principle: "a tenacious grip".

and

Not easily dispelled or discouraged; persisting in existence or in a course of action: "a tenacious legend".

Or in other words stubborn, lol.   I like to think of it as determined; which I am not at all sure is the best thing to be all of the time.  Yes, I do get what I want on a regular basis but boy there are times that the pain I feel is so incredible I wonder how I will survive.   Lucky for me though, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am proven it time and time again.