Opening Myself Up So I Can Overcome The Fear

Yesterday I was weepy, today I've been out of sorts... I don't know what's up with me. It's not like I'm not happy because I'm very happy. I've been wanting to write all day but I wanted to get a handle on how or why I was feeling this way. I finally figured it out and I wish I could put it into words but honestly there are not enough words to explain it all.

I thought about not writing and then I just knew I had to write something. I've known for quite some time that I am supposed to be doing something else. Today I realized I'm afraid, really afraid. I know that means I am close to doing what I know I should, it's really scary though. I've written about using the fear to succeed, which is much easier said then done.

Oh how I want to use the fear to overcome and surpass my potential. I keep thinking, what is worse, facing my fear head on or letting it win? The main part of me thinks facing it would be the best thing. Let me tell you though it's scary. I've only opened up myself fully to David because he's safe, I trust him.

What I need to do entails opening myself up to people who could hurt, ridicule and judge me. I guess that's why I've been writing so much about how I know we should not be judging each other. I just have to realize that this next phase of my life will be judged.

Really what is the worse thing that can happen? People might really see who I am and then what? Think the worst and judge me for my past. I have to say one thing about that, I was so sad, I felt so bad about myself. When Andrey raped me, I was lower than anytime in my life. I just didn't want to feel the pain that came from being raped, I wanted to cover it in anyway possible.

Oh and I did, I used everything possible not to feel. If I ever started to feel I would figure out something that I could do not to feel. Everything I did hurt me more but at least I was in control of that pain.

Then along came David and I was afraid to tell him but I couldn't not tell him. He was so loving, kind and understanding. Why can't everyone be like that? Why do we have to make other people feel so much more worse? When all they want is to be loved and accepted.

I have to decide about the future and what path I will take!

The Secrets We Hide

© Tiffany Franklin

we struggle to have meaning 
in this world which we all know
we try but yet we wonder 
where we all should go
hidden in the questions 
which we can not find
the answers are all hidden
deep inside our minds
hidden in our soul
is the life we try to hide
but in time it will find you
and it will release 
all of its secrets hidden beneath 
so before it ruins the life you have made
release those dark secrets 
and the memories will fade
hidden in our lives are stories left untold
of the things we didn’t want them to know
but once you tell somebody
and make your feelings known
the struggle will be over
and you’ll finally be home