Choices Of The Heart Are Worth It

I was reading over my blogs that I follow and one person had a song about if they had known how hard the fall would be from loving someone that they would never have taken the chance.

I think it's good we don't know the outcome, for if did we would never take a chance and we wouldn't grow. I would never change my memories of David; if someone gave me a magic wand and said that I could change the past.  I wouldn't go back and change ours, although the fall was hard and painful, it was also the most wonderful time in my life.  How could anyone want to give up those beautiful memories even if the aftermath brought so much pain that feels unbearable. The memories make it worth it.  I still smile when I think of that time, it always makes me happy.

It's the after part that makes me sad.  I really love the song by Garth Brooks 'The Dance', I'm really NOT into country music but these words resonate with me. Two weeks ago I was in so much pain about losing David, I mean I sobbed and was unsure how I could continue to handle the pain.   I thought that if I stepped back, dealt with the pain on my own, maybe then I would be strong enough to just be friends.  What I found is that I am not any happier or any more sad than when he and I spoke regularly.

The Dance

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

I feel like I just had to get some perspective, just had to think and get myself together.  What I need is something that I can't have right now, so what I need to do is focus on what I can do now.  Work on being a wonderful mama, work on myself inside and out, work on my career, work on my dreams.  I think once I focus on something else other than what I desire most in my life.  Maybe then I will be able to deal with the pain of loss.

There are so many people in this world that have so much more pain than even me, yes I have had one sad and traumatic life altering change after another but I also have been blessed to have found my soul mate, my best friend.  How can I not share my life with him because of sadness on my part, that is selfish of me.  I am denying myself and him of our close friendship.  I am doing exactly what Tony did to me over 4 years ago.  I don't want to be that way, I want to be an adult, I want to show that I can be just friends, best friends, for now!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield