I Am Who I Am

We gather strength from sadness and from pain Each time we die we learn to live again.~Unknown

Okay, first and foremost, I am sorry if have been down in my blog... I have been sad.  It's my outlet to be able to say how I am feeling at any given moment.  As it is I only have one person in my life who I can really say how I feel and he has been super busy with his job and course.  I would say this to other people but I feel judged and I say this because anytime I am sad and I say that, people want to strongly remind me of how blessed I am.

I wish that everyone knew, really knew that I am extremely grateful for all the blessings I have in my life, they are numerous, when I start to count them, I could go on forever.  I am lucky, very lucky~I know that.  Sure I have had a difficult life, I have overcome one challenge after another.  I also know that I have not just survived, I have thrived.

When is it okay for me to be sad and unhappy?  Is there ever a good time?  Or am I supposed to be insanely happy all the time?  I know people don't know how to deal with someone when they are sad?  I do... I understand.  I get those people, I know that sometimes life is just a little bit too much.  That happens, if it didn't a person is not being real and I really want a person to be real with me.  It's all wonderful for them to be super happy and upbeat and I think that is awesome but I want to be able to just say how I feel whenever.  That is me... Since I am almost 49, getting close to 50, my take on this is like me as I am or don't.  I am not trying to have everyone like me, life is not a popularity contest, I am not going to be fake or phony.  I will always be me.

I spent my whole life trying to be whatever other people wanted me to be, no longer will I do this.  First, I had to be an angel with my step mother, she would just beat us for no reason, stand us in corners or closest for hours, beat us with a belt, a wooden fence piece one time, threatened to shoot me with rifle once, kicked me... I could go on but you get the picture.   She told me I was fat when I was 12 years old and weighed 107 lbs at 5 feet 6 inches... I was a rail... she told me that when a man loved me... it wouldn't be for what I looked like, he would have to see through that and love me for who I was... nice... really nice.

I don't even want to go into my father but I will, he was there, did whatever he could to keep his children, for what????  he didn't pay one bit of attention to us to see we lived in fear, to see we were unhappy, to see we were looking for love in all the wrong places... he only cared that he looked good for keeping his children, he didn't want to see what was going on, for if he did, he would have had to leave.  He didn't want to do anything about it because he couldn't see how he could raise 3 girls on his own, so he turned a blind eye.

Next I fell in love with a man at 23 years old, he was raised in Europe where in his mind he would never be able to bring me home to his parents because I had a child out of wedlock at the age of 18, so he then married a woman he didn't even love because he could take her home to his parents.  How do I know that he didn't love her, he told me, for years.  Then when he found out that Andrey held me down against my will and raped me, he said... what did I expect?  NOT THAT....  I didn't deserve that.  That phrase and that act finally made me get over him.

Next I married Andrey, maybe because I didn't think I could do any better, I don't know.   I could analyze this all day and not come up with a good enough answer. All I can say in my defense is that he was not nearly the jerk and creep that he is now, it got worse after we were married for a year.  No, I am not saying he was a prince when we were dating, I think that I just felt so little about myself and had given up.  I finally found a way to have him taken out of my life, then he raped me...  He couldn't handle not having control over me.  Well, he no longer has any control over me; he can get over himself.

Now, I finally got my self together in the last few years, finally started thinking better of myself, knowing I deserved real and honest love.  Along came David and he made me believe it was real.  I have never been more myself with another human being in my life.  We talked every single day for months, if we couldn't talk, we texted, we emailed.... we were crazy to see each other... the time came and it was awesome, it was incredible.   I felt loved, finally... I felt loved for me.  I could see a future... it was real to me.

Then that all fell apart too... can you see why I am sad?  I try every day to be happy regardless.   I think I have a right to be sad sometimes, I think I have a right to cry.   If I didn't I wouldn't be human.   I am who I am... like me or not.  I have been through hell and back.  I know other people have had difficult lives, I understand those people, I get how they feel.  In no way do I think mine is worse than others, in no way do I think that it gives me the right to be negative and sad all the time.

I do however have the right to be sad, my long term dream is gone.   I have always wanted one thing in this life, I have wanted to be loved and cherished by a man who really got me and I thought I had that... I don't.  So, I will go on, I will find a way to be happy, it just won't be tomorrow.  Since I am a survivor, I always see the light at the end of the tunnel, it will be there for me in the future.  I still have hope for that but not for love.

I have two amazing daughters, I have many things other people would love to have and I am well aware of that... I am sorry if I sound selfish because I wanted long term love and I didn't get it.  However; I will never be sorry for having had it with David, even though it was short and it didn't last.  Even though it makes me sad right now, I will look back on this as one of the most wonderful times in my life.  For once in my life, I was truly happy and really felt loved and wanted.

Anyhow, I am sorry for the long post, I just needed to say how I felt because I was feeling like people don't think I have the right to be sad... we all have that right at times.  Sad things happen to us, we just need to not let it take us over for the rest of our lives and I won't but six months is not the rest of my life.  We all need to take time to grieve for loss, think about it that way and I hope you will all understand why I will be sad off and on for the next little while.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield