Self Image

I read a great blog last night about self image, I was so touched by it, it made me cry and really think.  She is a little over weight but has a fabulous shape yet she self loathes because of her eating habits. It made me really look at my eating habits.  When I was on my 30 day cleanse, I ate so wonderfully and truly enjoyed it.  For the past month I've not been eating as well.  Also the post brought up issues about whether I have actually come to accept myself or if I'm self loathing at times.  What I'm going to write now is not anything I've been told or even implied recently, it's my thoughts. 

After Andrey raped me and he had degraded me over and over for years. To the point where part of me started to believe him, the one where I'm too old, ugly, fat and disgusting; who would want me?  A year after the rape, I was so unhappy and empty that I tried to fill myself up with men.  Wasn't Andrey wrong?  There were men who wanted me, they became my high, one was not enough, I had to have more. Most of these men were beautiful and they wanted me.  As time went on, I came to realize through counseling and my own moral values, that this behavior would not bring me any lasting happiness.

It all came to a head when David and I reconnected in November, when it actually looked like we were going to see each other after 22 years.  I became nervous, I made David get on Skype to see me, I did a couple of twirls.  I explained I wasn't tiny, he said not to worry, he wasn't tiny and he told me over and over I was beautiful.  My weight was not my only issue, the scars that I have on my body from being burned in the fire, caused me some fear and I don't know why, they never did before.  I'm a woman that knows how to dress my body to look at its optimum, I am curvy. I wear clothes that fit but are not extremely tight but definitely no big sweatshirts.  I know how to dress my assets.  That was not my concern, it was having David see me otherwise.  It had been 12 years since I had allowed anyone to see me that way.

 I was nervous but as David said we have all changed over the years and that I was beautiful to him on the outside because I was so beautiful on the inside.  I started to relax and be comfortable in my own skin. Everything was wonderful between us, we connected closer than I had with anyone in my life.  Then he left after the new year and when we talked after he got home, he told me that he still had feelings for his ex.  I was heart broken but we are still so close, so connected.  Then last month he said he was trying to move on from his ex and it wasn't going to be with me, he felt we both needed to move on.  Maybe my body was the issue all along.  He's never said that, he's always said I was beautiful. What is wrong with me? 

That's the first thing I thought and that is when I started eating poorly again. Hmmm, it took that blog to show me, I had started feeling empty again and instead of filling it up with good things, I tried food.  It's not making me happy, I haven't told David what I thought, I need to say it to him even if it's not true, I need to be able to say how I'm feeling.  He is my best friend, he wouldn't want me to hold it in.  It's just his life is so busy with his new position and his course. 

If I'm ever to heal, I need to be honest and bring this out into the light.  Otherwise I'll eat back the 44 lbs I lost and more on top of it, I've already ate 4 lbs back, I need to get control of it.   Why is my self image so wrapped up in what other people think?  I thought I had cleared that hurdle.  Sad to say I haven't.  Before anyone thinks for one minute that I don't see or feel my blessings they would be wrong.  Also as I have stated above, David has never said or implied anything like this, he's told me often that I'm beautiful and wonderful.

I'm sure when I tell him what I've been feeling, he'll be sad for me that I felt that but he won't poo poo it away with words.  He'll want me to feel about myself the way that he really feels towards me.  That is that I'm smart and beautiful inside and out and that I deserve only the best.  I hope all that will be enough for me, the insecure me.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield