I Don't Know How To Love Less Than I Feel

 I just had a very clear memory last night of a daydream that I had four years ago.   I had just looked David up on Facebook and we reconnected quickly, it was like we had always been friends.  It didn't seem like we hadn't spoken for 20 years.

It was around this time that David had his status on Facebook stating that he was in a complicated relationship.  I started having dreams or fantasies that David would come home for a visit to Halifax and he and I would reconnect.  Fall in love, I had that dream/fantasy for nearly 4 years and then it came true.  I am really beginning to imagine how much better it could have been if I had only believed more in my dreams.

I think I didn't dream big enough though, I needed to want more for myself than what I excepted.  Now that I'm feeling more myself than I have since New Years.  I can say today that I'm really happy. Not that I couldn't be more happy but for now what I have is enough.

I'm just enjoying my life for what it is, learning to live outside my comfort zone.  It's scary out there but that's when I know I really need to be there.  When I remembered that dream, I realized that although I did get what I dreamed for, David was more than I ever could have dreamed of.

It took me until now to realize that I'm worth loving.  I thought when David didn't fulfill the fantasy story book ending, I felt it was because of me.  Now I know I was enough, I wonder now if he feels he's enough?  I can be overpowering when I'm in love.  I realize that I come on too strong, I don't know how to love less than I feel.

I've become more independent and I feel stronger for what I have overcome.  Although I love David with my whole heart, I don't break down in tears every second day.  Breaking up is so awful, especially when two people still love each other.  Still care about each other.

If I can survive my break up with David and still remain friends, I can survive most anything; that was a huge challenge.  One I almost didn't pass. When I dream/fantasize again, it's going to be about how to get to the fairy tale ending.  I am great at getting what I dream for, I lack how to maintain it long term....

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield