I Want To Believe...

Everyday is much the same, I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I blog and then I attempt to sleep.  I've been working hard to motivate myself to do other things, I really need to sleep.  I try to fill my mind with anything so I don't have to think, maybe I could sleep.

Nothing changes, I remain the same and still I can't sleep.  My mind goes over and over every detail, every thought.  I'm still the lost little girl I've been for years, I tried to fix her, make her better but sometimes you can't fix broken things.

I wonder about precise incidents in my life, wishing somehow they could be different, maybe I wouldn't be so damaged, maybe I was damaged long before... what is my purpose?  I need to know, I need to understand.

No one has answers, people tell me to hold on, the good is near... really?  Where?  Every time I've tricked myself into believing there is good for me, I'm hurt, why do I work so hard to make myself believe? 

I don't expect life to be a walk in the park with no challenges but really can't something work out to make it worth all the trials?  It's not that I don't see blessings, there are many.  Maybe I'm not thankful enough.  

That's not true though, I'm very thankful and I always try to see the good, even when it's buried so deep, I sometimes have to dig it out.  I'm lost...  wondering if I'll ever truly find my way.

There has to be a way, right?  I used to believe there was always a light.  It's been so long since I've seen it that I am beginning to think I fabricated it in my past.  Maybe we see what we want to see, maybe our hearts could handle no less.

I just want to believe again, believe in myself, believe in love, believe in friendship...  Will I ever?  Maybe then I could sleep...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield