Ever since all that I knew to be true and real in my life turned out to be a lie or a figment of my imagination, I can no longer trust myself, how could I be so wrong?? What is wrong with me? My oldest daughter is right, I am REALLY damaged, maybe there's just no saving or fixing me.
I thought better of posting this but I'm not writing this blog for anyone but me. I know sometimes what I write is hard to read and very sad. That's who I am at any given moment in time, I'm tired of pretending with the fake smile when my whole insides are in pain.
I don't know if I should keep writing this blog when I know I'm not able to be positive and uplifting at this time. I'm really hoping that the cleanse will help to center me. Then again maybe it will make me feel more, which is scary since I can barely handle what I'm feeling now.
I also know that my problems are not even in the same league with other people's issues; unfortunately this knowledge doesn't stop me from crying or being sad. I've lost so much this year, mainly I've lost me and my ability to trust, even myself.
The very difficult and sad thing is that when there is no trust, there's nothing to hold on to. No matter how much I may want to hold on, without trusting myself, it's nearly impossible. I want so desperately to be myself and have people love me for that but unfortunately I don't think people can truly love me for me. I used to believe that was possible, now I don't.
I want to be happy, I want to smile from the inside out, can I ever have that again?
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
Oh Launna ... i really, truly hear you! No, i cant feel your expencrience e. g.. couse those are So personal, always. Like feelings. but what you wrote, reminds of me, during my change. It was painful, full of mixed emotions..sadness.. That was when i Finally Said bye to my past. All those bad things. And Few people also. l pray that this is your path to let go.. and see New you after all this. Do your journey, And remember that, i'll be here waiting, if you need!
ReplyDeleteThank you Maarit, I appreciate the kind words. I'm still going to blog while on the cleanse. I'll let you know how everything is going ;)
ReplyDeleteSometimes is good to hear honest stuff - it does not always need to be uplifting as honesty can be uplifting. We are all made of all this. i find writing it down very cathartic and other people may really relate. Hope that what you want manifests or that you can come to accept.
ReplyDeleteLaunna, you are a good, good person and are more than worthy of our support and love. Which you have. Think of all that you have accomplished. Think of the good you have done. I believe in you. WE believe in you. You have rare strength and courage. You will make it through this!
ReplyDeleteThank you Good, I am really hoping that by writing everything down that I will finally find a way to feel better:S
ReplyDeleteThank you Diane, I really appreciate the support... I will any support and positive feelings. I hope I am strong enough.... after this, I should be made of steel...
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