Trying To Gain Perspective

I feel the need to write again, I've been thinking about my situation with my "D".   Although this sounds odd, I feel like I'm grieving as if he was no longer here.   I know that this doesn't compare to really losing someone but it hurts just the same.

Many people are trying so hard to show me the good and tell me I'm strong.  Really??  If I was so strong how come I can fall apart in a second without notice. Sometimes I'll be laughing and then a thought will pop into my head and there I am sobbing just like that.

I've read about all the different steps and I have a lot of the signs, I'm just praying I get to the hope step soon,  there may be a light there.  Something to show me that I may actually feel good again.  I know in my mind that eventually I will smile more, that's great but I want my heart and soul to feel better.  I think that's going to take a lot longer.

I bet one of the reasons my leg is taking extra long to heal is that I'm using all my physical and emotional resources to deal with losing David from my life right now.  I thought when we broke up that I might not heal but he was still there and I could still smile. Now that he has closed off from me, I feel so lost and alone.

I thought I might be falling into a depression but it's just about David.  I don't cry about other things, I'm not sad about other things.  I have had depressive times in my life, losing a loved one, dealing with childhood abuse, coping with the aftermath of being raped.  I can tell you this, not having David in my life is much more painful than anything else I've dealt with.

I know people are sitting there and thinking, if not being able to talk to David is the worst thing I have dealt with, then I must have had an easy life but if you have read my blog or know me, you will know that I have not had an easy life... who has?  I have had my fair share of sadness, loss and disappointment and up until now I thought, that's life... it's a growing experience.  This is worse for me because I have never had anyone that I was so close to, shared so much with and felt so comfortable with.  It was all I dreamed of and because I couldn't let us go... I think I lost him totally. 

After today I am going to make a concerted effort to not write about him so much... at least not here.  If I have a need to write about him I will just journal... hopefully I will find other things to write about here.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield