I've never considered myself beautiful, interesting sometimes but never beautiful. How could I be when I've been damaged on the inside and out? I thought I had overcome that with my "D" but I only internalized it. How? How do I overcome all those nasty words I've been told? How do I believe that my scars don't stop people from loving me? Everything has come to the surface and made me beyond emotional, since I can't talk to my "D".
It boggles my mind when I see people that have so much self esteem and they never let words get them down. How do they do that? How do they believe in themselves so much? I know we all have our own challenges to bear, sometimes I think mine are too much and then I read a blog from someone who amazes me with what they've come through. Yet, there are times I feel so small and insignificant, no matter what I do.
I've just lost so much and not being able to talk with David right now has brought up all my losses and the thought makes me so sad. I know life is about change and challenges but does it have to entail so much loss?
Back to what I said in the beginning, I've never thought of myself as beautiful but I do know that I bore two beautiful children, so maybe I would have been beautiful without the fire and without the nasty words from Ruth (my ex-step mother) and Andrey (my ex).
My mother said I was strong about my scars when I was little, so maybe it's all the nasty words that were said over the years. That old saying of "sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me". That is a lie, words hurt more than physical pain, it damages your inside.
We all need to be extra careful of the words we say to each other, mostly we need to stop judging each other, for no one knows what another person has or is going through in their lives.
My thoughts and prayers are with my "D's" son Christopher, who needs all the prayers he can use. I am praying non-stop for my David and his whole family. Maybe if I center my thoughts on someone else other than me, I will be able to heal myself little by little.
Hi, Launna!
ReplyDeleteIt's been a while since I had a chance to visit. I've missed you! And you are so, so right. If you serve someone else, concentrate on someone else, you forget yourself. And often, in the service, you realize that there are others with greater problems. This was taught to me quite forcefully some years ago when I was feeling sorry for myself because we couldn't afford a big, showy Christmas. Shallow, eh? Then I went to help pack some supplies that have been collected for children in Russia. And guess what? They were getting things like . . . pencils. Loose-leaf paper. Scribblers. Things that my kids had in abundance. It sure put things into perspective for me. I left there so grateful for what I had. We still couldn't afford a huge Christmas, but suddenly, that didn't matter any more. My heart had been changed and now I was looking out instead of in. It's magical! I will keep you in my prayers. You are SO worth praying for!
Thank you Diane, you made me cry when you said I was SO worth praying for, I really appreciate that.
DeleteI agree I will happier if I serve!
Words certainly are damaging--I grew up with lot of criticism in my life and was painfully shy for a l one time. I still carry those same scars and fears, and am often told I am too sensitive about things. What works best for me when I get down is to focus on the good things in my life--like my children and husband and the lovely home we have created. It may seem that others have better, more exciting lives, but something I have learned is that no matter how good it may look to you on the outside, they have just as many problems and baggage on the inside as we do. We can't compare who has the best of anything--we just have to find our own personal strengths and focus on what we want out of life!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comment menopausal mama... I could care less about things, people mean more to me than anything, I'm most happy when they are;)
ReplyDeleteLaunna honey
ReplyDeleteI wasn't sure how to respond to this, I know words can hurt more than anything. You have to believe in your heart you are a truly amazing and wonderfully strong woman.
I cherish our friendship and am proud to read your blogs that you share with us all.
For this I also want to let you know I am giving you an award.
http://www.journeyofanawakening.com/2012/08/sunshine-award.html
You seriously deserve it in a big way.
Thank you Rachel, that's sweet. I appreciate the award:). You're very kind!
ReplyDeleteIf you have noticed the strength in others then it is just waiting to be realized within yourself. I get up every morning and say thank you. It took a long time to believe it, but after each day it has become a way of life. I know you can believe in yourself. It does take persistent action and focus, but you are worth the effort. I know you can do it!!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs!!!!
Thank you Suzanne, that is so very sweet of you, I am working at believing I am worth it each day:)
ReplyDelete