I Am Of Worth

I sit here tonight, wondering if I should write...  I had a long tough day for a day off.  Whenever I have to spend a day with Andrey so that he can see Valentina, it is a hard day.   Today I was out of control angry, I flew off the handle every other second.  Why?  Because I had to spend time with my ex and he absolutely brings out the worst in me. I told him he bugs me even when he breathes, so he had better not speak with me.

Finally I flipped and told him this was not working for me, I don't know how he is going to see Valentina but it can't be with me every Saturday.  I can't keep doing this to myself not even for my sweet little girl.  I don't like who I am when I am around him, I just can't seem to get a handle on my emotions when he is anywhere near me.  I look at him and all I can see and feel is all the nasty words he said to me for years, mostly being around him reminds me of the night he held me down and raped me.

 No woman should ever have to live with that, it destroys a part of you that you that no matter how hard you work at it, it is always there.  Seething inside of you, knowing that someone had control of you and you had none.  I know that I have all the control now, he has none but being near him reminds me of how I could do nothing to stop it, try as I might.

So, I have decided there will have to me another way for Andrey to see her where I don't have to be involved.  It will make me a better mama and a better person.  Poor Valentina sees me when I fly off the handle and she really doesn't need to see this, she is nine years old and personally I think she has witnessed too much as it is.

 I am grateful to have survived what Andrey had put me through, I know I will never let anyone treat me the way he did.   I really pity any person who thinks about putting me down and making me feel small... they honestly will be sorry.  For I will open my mouth and allow myself to say whatever I want and I won't tolerate even one nasty word again.

I am of worth, we all are.  Not one person should have to put up with being treated less than the worth that they are.  I am thankful that I did learn that... finally.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield