Right now I'm questioning everything I've ever known. I am disappointed with myself, I really thought I knew better. I mean have I not lived a life where I've never been settled. From having to live with my abusive ex step mother Ruth, to being a single mom, to marrying Andrey who later raped me.
Where in that story could anyone see that I could still trust? Why in the world would I want to or better yet how could I want to? It boggles my mind that I could take those kinds of chances in the past. Tonight I came to a realization where my eyes were opened and what I saw made me feel stupid. I'm not saying I'm stupid, I'm not (this just made me feel that way). I just don't like finding out that what I believed and what is real, are two different things.
How could anyone who professes to care for another human being, act one way than do things the opposite. It doesn't make sense to me, I can't fathom a reason, this is why I'm becoming indifferent. I don't even know what is real or true anymore? What I lack now is trust in myself and trust in other people.
Anyway, last night has given me lots to think about and decisions to make.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
At least you have bloggers friend to share your feelings and wishes. A kiss from Spain dear Launna!
ReplyDeleteOh dear.. i really can see one thing: you are getting closer about things, what has happend. And that can mean only one thing..you have become stronger. Maybe you dont see it now, couse feelings are still strong..but.. I hope you understand what i mean?? Hard to explain..
ReplyDeleteHugs a lot!! And strength.. :))
We all have these moments of doubt Launa, I often peeled myself off the floor after a whole hour of crying, feeling down and hopeless...but I always try to ask myself "Am I really objective?"...Am I really analyzing this without partiality, no exaggerations and all? I often realize the answer is no. My conclusion is...usually the situation is not as dark as we think it is. Kisses lovely Launa.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have a great deal on your mind that you are trying to avoid thinking about. Maybe you feel indifferent because it is all a little overwhelming to think about. That is how it is with me sometimes, anyway. Too much to care about, so I stop caring about everything.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're feeling like this sweetheart. I go through indifferent phases too, it's understandable that you are going through one as it looks like you've had it tough. What i will say is that while the indifference is completely justified, looking to the bright side is never something you should feel stupid about. We only get one life and living it to the full is so admirable, as is choosing to be happy in times of downheartedness. You should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to take chances, people that live in fear all the time only lead half lives, and you deserve more than that.
ReplyDeleteI hope that all made sense? If not then this should: I hope you feel better soon xxx
Thank you Armando, I appreciate the kind words:). I'm grateful for my blog and blog friends;)
ReplyDeleteThank you Maarit, I understand what you're saying and I appreciate your sweet comment;)
ReplyDeleteThank you Petronela, I always try to see the brighter side, it's not always easy:)
ReplyDeleteThank you Daisy, I think you know how I feel, sometimes we have too much to care about that we end up shutting down! I'm trying not to shut down:).
ReplyDeleteThank you Charlotte, you made me cry again. I do understand what you're saying;). Keeping the faith is difficult when you keep getting beat down. I'm working on it ;)
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