My Emotions Are A Facade

I was thinking how I've covered my feelings so well and buried my emotions.  Yesterday was proof that although I thought I'd been handling it well, that was all a facade.  At least when I fall apart now it is only for a short time, it has an ending.

In the past, falling apart meant wondering if I could ever feel happiness again. Now I see that things will improve in the same day, usually the same hour.   Yesterday was a little longer, I let myself fly solo down memory lane.  I sometimes think it is so cruel of myself to let myself go there when I know it will bring me sadness and pain.  Then I think if I don't figure out a way to deal with it, I'll never be truly happy with myself.

I keep thinking that Heavenly Father wants me to know that He loves me and that I'm supposed to have joy in my life.  I find this all so difficult when I bury memories instead of dealing with them.  I buried them for a reason though, I couldn't handle them, it hasn't got any better. How am I ever going to deal with them if the tears never stop when I think of certain memories?  Maybe it's just too soon, hopefully I'll be ready one day.

Today has been a better day but that's only because I didn't allow myself to think, I kept myself very busy at work.  I am really grateful for work, it is challenging and it keeps my mind off my personal life which is a mess at the moment. 

I just keep trying to figure out how I can make certain areas of my life work?  When it comes to my job, although it is beyond challenging, I make that work.  It can be highly stressful but it works for me because I love my job, I love to help clients with their issues and I gain a great deal of satisfaction from solving the issues they have. 

Also, although my house is in a massive disarray at the moment, I know the potential it has and I am truly thankful for the place I have to live.  When I went apartment hunting for this place, I had written a list of what I wanted... within 2 months I found this place.   Everyone said I could not find what I wanted for the price.  I proved them wrong.

If I could just make my personal life work...  that always hinges on other people though...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield