Challenges Can Bring Blessings

Even when times are difficult or challenging–especially when times are difficult and challenging–the present is always an opportunity for us to learn, grow, and become better than we've ever been before. ~ Hal Elrod

I want my reality back, not the one I have right now.  This one is too hard to deal with emotionally.  How could every thing be so wonderful and than be changed to what my life is now? 

I have began wondering if one day I will feel whole again?  I've been in so many pieces for such a long time.  I remember a time I felt complete...  it really was an amazing time in my life. 

Everything I read and hear tells me that we have to be broken down to be built up to something better.  When will I be built up again?  Am I doing something to prevent myself from growing?  Lately I've felt that it is me that needs to make a huge change, one I'm terrified of; one that makes me cry. 

I've held back hoping I was wrong, now I'm beginning to believe it's the only way to move on. Otherwise I may be in this same spot in a year, five years, ten years.  Don't I truly want better, to be deliriously happy?  Maybe part of me believes that I'm not meant to have that kind of happiness? 

I have never had any long lasting happiness, all of it has been fleeting; only to become more sad and broken each time I try...  maybe I just have to give myself over to the whole process.  No matter how it feels, just let it be and build from there.

I know this is not the most uplifting post but my blog is my journal, it is about how I feel on any given day or moment.  It is my place to work out my feelings, it helps me to see where I have been and where I am going.  This year has been the most incredibly hardest year of my life... one I was not sure I could get through.  I am here though, still working through my emotions... still standing when even I didn't believe in myself.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

We Need To Listen To Ourselves

Today I went to work, or should I say I limped and cried my way to work.  I have had terrible pain in my legs for the past 5 days.  I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what was different?  This pain could not have just came out of the blue.... all of a sudden I thought about all my symptoms which are ones that I have had in very small degrees and then I pieced it all together and a light bulb came on.  My doctor had just upped my dosage on a pill I was taking about two weeks ago.  I went on their website to look at the side effects... there was my main side effect... 

I stayed at work for as long as I could but finally I couldn't handle the pain any longer and I had to leave.  My boss drove me to the main bus depot, cutting off an hour of my travel (thank you Stephanie).  I got to the hospital in about 30 minutes, they took me in immediately and I saw a doctor that fast.  I than had blood taken and the waiting game began.  Four and half hours later, a new doctor came in, she said my blood work looked great and that she believed that it was the pill I was taking, especially after I explained I had been having very minor symptoms before... I am off that pill for now... hopefully they give me something else.

 I have to tell you, I was never so frightened in my life.  I have no strength in my legs, I could make myself stand and walk but it was beyond painful.  I was messaging everyone, people kept me entertained thankfully.  My 'D' kept texting back and forth with me and kept it positive, once I heard back from the doctor, I thanked him for just listening to me complain about the pain and especially my fears.  He was all good about it, he totally understood and said it was his pleasure.

 My Cindy kept Valentina for me, Cindy and I kept in close contact messaging back and forth too... I really am a people person, I need contact.  I would have gone silly crazy in that room for over four and half hours without my blackberry to keep contact with the outside world... lol. 

What I wanted to say here is that we all need to listen to our body... I knew there was something off, I knew it wasn't just some random thing happening to me.  I investigated it and I made sure the doctors listened to me.  I didn't phoo phoo it...  none of us should let something go when we ourselves know that something is off with us.  We are the only ones who really know our own body's, I am grateful that when the prompting, thought... whatever you want to call it came to me.  I listened, really listened and then I did something about it.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Holding On Could Mean Holding Back

If I had to explain why, I couldn't.  Shouldn't I at least understand why?  Am I not meant to know?  Am I always meant to wonder?  Or am I just supposed to accept without questioning?  So many questions without any answers.  Is that the way it should be? 

A year later and I am more in the dark than I originally was; each day does not get easier.  Lately it becomes more cloudy, harder to see the outcome. I loved when things were clear, they were.  Something came along and took away the clarity.

Maybe I don't have the Faith I need, do you think it because I've been let down so many times it's hard to hold on to Faith?  It's not impossible, it's just difficult.  I wish I could forget the past, not hold onto it so fiercely.  Maybe I need to let go completely?  Maybe that's the only way? 

Holding on could mean holding back, I don't know how to let go! I've tried and quickly I grab on and hold on for dear life believing that by giving up or giving in means losing.  What if by holding on I'm losing the most.

When will I believe I'm worth giving in and realize it's not losing at all; it's really a growing experience that will show me the true path I'm meant to be on.  Maybe the truth was that I deserved even better.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Just Wait For The Light

I've had a rough couple of days, I woke up this morning and realized my leg was still not back to any normalcy, Cindy is ill again too.  I decided to take the day off work to rest my leg as much as possible.  Also, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions of having David in the hospital.  He was having bad feelings before he went in, I was trying to stay positive... then I heard he came through okay.  I was thrilled but than later that night I heard from him that he had a fever... the next day the fever was still high and he had a few complications.  I was scared, I was here in Halifax and no way for me to be there with him, I really felt useless.

At least he was able to text message me once or twice a day to let me know how he was, which wasn't the greatest since he was finding it so hard to get any sleep.  I really am happy that he is home now, he should be able to get some rest but it was hard to stay up when all that was going down.  Then my leg became unbearably painful, I was unable to walk, which is pretty darned scary for me.  I know it is a matter of time and the medication will kick in, I will be feeling my normal self, it's just hard to keep it up until I get there.

Anyhow, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, that is what we all have to do, wait for that light to appear, it always does.  I never think it is easy, you would think I would learn something from all this, not to worry so much... the light always appears.  I never give up but I waiver when I shouldn't.  Some things have become apparent to me these last few days, things I didn't want to deal with.  However; there really is not a good time to deal with some things, we just have to do it when the time comes.

Since I am off today, I am going to spend the day getting up to date on reading my blogs, that will take the better part of the day but I am looking forward to catching up. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Relaxing And Checking In

I have spent the past couple of days with an infected leg that I was unable to walk on without severe pain.  Even sitting up was uncomfortable, I spent my weekend in bed... sleeping a lot. I woke up sporadically to check in with David through a text.  His surgery did not go as simply as it was supposed to, he had a fever and a few complications. He spent 5 days in the hospital, he's home now so I am relieved.

Every time I wanted to write, I really didn't have much to say as I was going between worry for David and feeling the pain in my leg that wouldn't subside.  So, I didn't feel overly creative, I really needed this weekend off just relaxing, resting my leg and not stressing myself out. 

I am feeling back to myself tonight, I can walk a lot better, it is still tender but bearable.  I just wanted to check in, I am headed off to bed early, I have a long busy day ahead of me tomorrow.  I didn't get out this weekend for groceries, so I have to do that tomorrow night. 

Also, I am looking forward to catching up on all my blogs, I can't wait to see how everyone is... it will probably take me this week to catch up. I'll write on the way to work, since I know have an hour long ride to work in the morningl 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

More Of This Please‏

"Every time you appreciate something; every time you praise something; every time you feel good about something, you are telling the Universe: "MORE OF THIS, PLEASE!" You need never make another verbal statement of this intent and, if you are mostly in a state of appreciation, all good things will flow to you."
- Esther Abraham-Hicks

I appreciate my children, they are wonderful, caring, kind and loving girls.  Although I am not speaking to my oldest daughter at the moment (her choice, not mine), I think of her daily.  I pray for her and her beautiful family.  My youngest is so soft hearted she loves me, sometimes more than I feel I deserve.

 I am grateful for my friend Cindy who has always been there for me, even though I'm sure I've frustrated her on many occasions over our many years of being friends. She amazes me with her love for children, she rarely tires of them with their endless chatter and bountiful energy.  She has so much patience with them, especially with my Valentina.  I credit Cindy with giving her a strong foundation. 

I am so thankful for my close friendship with David. Although it has been a really tough year for both of us, he has been there for me and centered me when most people would have given up on me. I pushed the envelope with him on countless occasions, almost pushing him totally away but thankfully we remain as close as ever. I so desperately want to be there for him as he is and has been there for me.  I adore how much my David  loves his children, he's an amazing daddy!

I love that quote at the top of the page, I'm going to take every free moment that I have, praising the people in my life, being endlessly grateful for each of them.  I want the universe and my Heavenly father to know that I want more of these people in my life.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I've Always Known And I Always Will

I have started to write a post for two days now, nothing is coming out even though I am completely overwhelmed with feelings.  I feel helpless and lacking, right at this moment, all I want to do is go to Edmonton and then Wainwright and look after David.  Realistically I know that cannot happen, I have too many commitments with work and no money to go out there. 

My 'D' has messaged me, he even made me laugh as usual, he knows how to make me smile... he is still having a few small health issues from the operation but he should be out of the hospital tomorrow.  He will really need to rest a lot and I am stuck here, working when this man that I care so much about is far away.  No matter where our lives go, he is always going to be be My One And Only.  He gets me, he knows what to say to calm me down.  There are not many people that can do that for me... I am one of those people that freak out first and then get it together and do what I need to, to make it work out. 

I have never freaked out with David, he knows what to say to me so that I figure out how to keep it together without freaking out... I don't know if this makes sense to anyone.  I grew up with so much uncertainty in my life, so much of not feeling wanted or loved.  I had to get past that, I had to learn to love myself.  It has not always been easy but I won't ever give up trying to better myself; it's just so much easier when you have someone that totally believes in you and wants the best for you.  That's what my "D" does for me... he makes me feel that I should always remember that I am special and deserve love.

I want him to be so happy, that would make me happy... I love him with my heart and soul.  I feel like I have known him all my life and although I have known him for 34 years, I have really only known him for the past 4 years.  I am sure many people who have met their soul mates know what I am talking about... there are just people who you fit with and know that they were and are meant to be in your life always.

I had an epiphany the other night that I want to write about that soon, first I just need to make sure my David is on the mend; than I can clear my mind and talk about my amazing experience.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Prayer And Positive Thoughts Are Powerful‏

I know I talk about my David a lot, he's a huge part of my life.  When I'm not feeling my best, he can lift my spirits with something funny just like that, I smile so easily with him.  He came back into my life when it was spinning out of control and helped me to focus on the wonderful things I have in my life.

He lovingly showed me how I needed to start believing and loving myself.  He did this all without judging me in the least, telling me how he knew I was a wonderful woman who deserved to be loved.  I know I did the hard work to get to the place I am but I honestly don't think I would have got there as quickly as I did without him.

My 'D' has faced a lot of challenges this year, we both have.  Tomorrow he goes in for surgery, I am asking everyone who reads this to please pray for him or send positive vibes out to him. He is very important and special to me and I truly believe in the power of prayer and positive thoughts, especially when many people do this together.

I've seen both of these work in my life on a continual basis.  I am more than willing to do the same for any of you, I already pray for many of the people whose blogs I follow. Anytime I read how you are dealing with challenges, I automatically say a quick prayer and send out positive vibes. 

I really feel like I have gained some really wonderful friends through blogging. Your posts touch and uplift me, your comments touch my heart deeply.  Thank you all for sticking with me, especially since I've had a really up and down year.  I only know how to be me here, I can't put a face on to pretend life is perfect; it's not.

Life however is wonderful even with all it's challenges.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Never Give Up On Who Or What I Believe In

The more organized I become, the more I want to stay that way and the more I want to do to keep it this way.  I'm sure Peter Walsh from Extreme Clutter would think I've come a long way if he could have seen my place from the start. Although my house was never to the degree of the shows he puts on, it was awful for me.

So last night I went on a huge cooking craze, I made a huge pot of spaghetti, a medium size pot of chili, a meat loaf, a dozen mini apple pies and 2 dozen banana muffins. By next weekend I want to have David's cookies made (again) and another batch of almond brittle; I'd like to send his present and Jackson's early next week.  Then I can concentrate on Valentina.

I had made my 'D's' cookies last week but we decided against sending them until he has his operation on this Wednesday.  I'm already a basket case of worry, not sure how I will be on the actual day; especially since I may have to wait to hear from him.  I can't believe he's going to have to be alone for pretty well four weeks.  I will take any and all prayers and positive thoughts for my David, I believe the more people that pray and give out positive vibes, the more powerful it will be.

The holidays are fast approaching and although this is a sad time for me as I am not spending it the way I had envisioned, I plan to make it extremely special for my Valentina.  This little girl deserves to have it made special just for her, she is so kind, thoughtful and loving. She and I are going to decorate the tree together (it's been 12 years since I have decorated my own tree, other people have done it for me) we are going to bake lots of goodies to give out to people and we are going to participate in as many Christmas parties as possible.  I am doing this for her because there are not many little girls who deserve it more than her.

Last night I pondered how I never give up, sometimes I desperately want to but something keeps me holding on.  It's because I'm so very sure of what is supposed to happen, even when others doubt. Don't get me wrong, I do doubt as well but deep down I truly believe in what I know for sure.

I often wish I could just give up or give in, it would make life easier...  Why do I say that?  I think it's harder and more emotional to hold on to my dreams when no one but me believes in them.  I realize I'm the only one who matters though. People have their opinions but this is my life, I have to live with my decisions, not other people.

I Need To Have Joy In The Moment

How much in a humans life is lost in waiting?

I know my post was all over the place yesterday, it's because my mind is on overdrive.  I make a decision and within five minutes I'm doubting my choice, wondering if I can live with the consequences?  Then I weigh it out in my heart and mind again, coming to the first conclusion again, only to doubt it all over again.

It's because I am not covering my feelings, so they are all over the place.  I'm realizing that I trust myself so little that I keep thinking that other people know better about what's good for me.  I just want to trust myself again, I want to believe in my decisions so that I don't sway from them. 

It's just that I've made some pretty poor decisions in my life that I was so sure were going to be good for me and weren't.  It's hard to trust myself when I've been so wrong in the past.  Somehow I have to get past all that and believe in me.

I came to church this morning and heard an amazing talk, it reminded me once again that I need to be grateful and have faith.  Why is that so hard for me?  I have been so blessed even when I don't have enough faith.  Shouldn't that be enough for me? 

 That beginning quote above grabbed my attention last night  'How much in a humans life is lost in waiting?'  I realized I have been waiting and not enjoying the wait either; I've been feeling that if I could just have... whatever it is that I want at the moment that I would then be happy, then have joy, then be what and who I'm meant to be... if....

I need to be happy now, I need to have joy now and I need to be all that I am meant to be right now!  Not when I feel the time is right! 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

True Love Should Be Shared

What I hoped would get easier for me hasn't, I am still working at keeping myself positive and although it's difficult, I am happy.  There have been a lot of changes this last year, I was able to get my house together in a state that I would be happy to have anyone just drop over at a moments notice.  I have worked on myself so that I could get through the sad losses I have had this year.  I know that it's not the year, it just happened like that.

It's not like 2013 will come around and my life will change just like that.  I am just having a moment, it's because the holidays are coming up and it makes me think about last year and how very ecstatic I was... I was over the moon, excited and I felt like I had the world at my feet, there was so much joy in my life.  Nothing could get me down, I had everything I wanted.

Then I had to deal with losing it all, I didn't handle it very well, in fact I dealt with it in all the wrong ways... I just wanted to feel better.  None of it helped though, none of it covered the core pain... it was still there, no matter what I did.  The holidays are around the corner and I went shopping for a few of my gifts, I bought something for my grandson Jackson.  I am sending it from Valentina as my oldest daughter doesn't want to talk to me yet, (maybe never, who knows).  I also found what I wanted to make for my David, which reminded me of last year and how I was so excited to have him come home.

I had the best holidays, I smiled and laughed so much... I was so at peace, I had huge dreams.  It all fell apart in the new year and I fell apart with it... it has been such a long hard road to get myself back on track.  I am not fully there but at least I am on the right path.  My David is going in for an operation on Wednesday the 21st, I am sure he will be okay... I will still worry though.  Anytime someone has surgery it can be scary, I will be fasting and praying for him before, during and after. 

More than anything, I wish I could be there for him... I am so far away from him and I feel helpless.  Most of the time he will be home on his own recovering, no one should be alone... least of all my 'D'.   As in my previous post, nothing matters but people, relationships and love.... things are things and they don't matter.   I could have all the things I want and not one of them would fill me up, that is what is wrong with this world.

We as a society have chosen to believe that objects and stuff will make us happy in our core.  Really? think about that, when was the last time that an object made you happy in your heart?  I can't think of anything that makes me happier than when my children, family and friends are happy and at peace; this is what brings me joy!  I don't think it is wrong to want things, I just think we need to keep things in perspective, those items are not what will bring us true and lasting joy.

I remember when I was living with Andrey and I felt trapped... I felt like I was never going to be free of him... I started thinking of all kinds of ways to leave, I thought of picking up and moving somewhere so that he couldn't find me; you know all that I wanted then was to have Valentina and nothing else.  Finally I was free from him and I was truly happy, I was in control of my life, I didn't have to live in fear... things were never a thought when I went through that time in my life.

I need to remember that, I need to stop acquiring useless items that only take up space in my life and my head... I learned a lot this year, none of it easy but everything I needed to learn to grow. 

Beautiful Things Come From Changes And Mistakes

Attitude is your best weapon against life's most difficult challenges. ~ Dave Bexfield

I've been thinking how I need to simplify even more than I have.  I have held onto some items that I haven't even looked at in 10 years or more. It's time for me to rid myself of these items, the rule I need and want to live by now is if I haven't used it in more than a year, I need to dispose of the items or donate them.

I used to be a collector of things, like movies,books... etc.  I think I did this because I felt comfort in holding onto them. Today I feel like they own me, that's not a good feeling.  What is the use in having items you never use, they only clutter your home and your brain.

I want to be clear of these items so that I can be open to new possibilities available to me.  Also, I want to teach my youngest daughter that items are unimportant; people, relationships and love are important. I want her to feel loved so that she doesn't feel the need to look outward for acceptance. 

I have looked outward for far too long when I should have fed my inner self with love instead of trying to use items to make myself feel better.  It's sad what we do to ourselves in the name of trying to comfort ourselves.  Whether it is eating, buying things we don't need, drinking, drugs.... etc.

What am I afraid of?  Why do I feel that I'm not enough?  Why do I feel anything could fill the void if I don't love myself. I've slowly been changing my mentality around, I have been working on changing this trait; I want it to be second nature that I feel worthy.

We are all worthy, deserving of love, no matter our beginning in life. I am NOT my past and neither are you; each day we have the choice to do better.  No one can decide this for us but us, it is a conscious decision we need to make.  I won't say it is easy because that would be a lie; since I know it's not easy, I'm giving myself a break.  I am human after all and so are you.

We may have been born perfect but we are imperfect, not damaged, just imperfect.  I'm not saying we shouldn't strive for perfection in our life, I'm just saying it's not easy and we need to cut ourselves a break.

Basically we need to love ourselves the way we are right now, otherwise we will never move from this point in our life!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Decide Who And What Is Good For Me

True happiness is proportional only to my yielding to the brokenness, and not to my refusing to accept it or to my struggling to overcome it. ~ David Patten

This quote touched me, I have always thought I had to accept or overcome sadness, this put it all into perspective. I have to yield to it, it will be the only way I can truly grow to my potential.

Last night I was talking to my sister who was lamenting the fact that she was still alone... She admitted she was still in love with a man from her recent past and he's still in love with her.  I said what's the issue?  She said he lives in Texas. I said okay, why can't you be together?  She said I'm in New York, he's in Texas. 

Then I told her that if things had worked out with my David as they should have.  I would have moved anywhere with him. I would have lived on the moon, nothing would have kept me from being with him, nothing!!  I've never felt that way about anyone else in my life.

She stopped and said, you're right... She is seriously thinking of waiting for the school year to be over and then moving there this summer.  I hope she does it, I hope it works out. I want to see her happy. If we don't take a chance now, when? 

It never ceases to amaze me how people who are close to me that have non stop opinions of how I need to live my life. The biggest one at the moment is how they think I need to remove David from my life completely. 

They don't understand how important my 'D' is to me.  If they did, they wouldn't suggest anything that crazy.  When my best friend Heather died in 2002 in a car crash, I lost it, literally.  I barely functioned... I really believe I had a breakdown, I cried non-stop, I didn't eat for five weeks, I lost 40 pounds. 

I didn't care about anything, that was when I found out I was pregnant with Valentina, I was shocked. Finding this out brought me back to eating and taking care of myself.  I loved Heather as my best friend and I very nearly didn't make it through, I don't want to think what would happen to me if I lost my David completely.

He centers me, doesn't judge me, makes me laugh and makes me feel special.  It's true that it is difficult not having him completely but some people are worth having part way.

To be 100% honest, if I had thought for one minute that my D and I wouldn't make it, I would have just stayed friends.  The type of friends we are is so much more important than romantic love. Don't get me wrong, the romantic part was wonderful, amazing and fabulous.  I just don't think having all of that would have been worth losing him over. He's more than that to me.

I know that people just care about me and they want me to be happy, I am happy with having David as a friend.  I am not going to lie and say that it is easy but I know that I have weighed it from both sides and being friends with him well out weighs the pain of not having him completely in my life the way I had wished.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield