Challenges Can Bring Blessings

Even when times are difficult or challenging–especially when times are difficult and challenging–the present is always an opportunity for us to learn, grow, and become better than we've ever been before. ~ Hal Elrod

I want my reality back, not the one I have right now.  This one is too hard to deal with emotionally.  How could every thing be so wonderful and than be changed to what my life is now? 

I have began wondering if one day I will feel whole again?  I've been in so many pieces for such a long time.  I remember a time I felt complete...  it really was an amazing time in my life. 

Everything I read and hear tells me that we have to be broken down to be built up to something better.  When will I be built up again?  Am I doing something to prevent myself from growing?  Lately I've felt that it is me that needs to make a huge change, one I'm terrified of; one that makes me cry. 

I've held back hoping I was wrong, now I'm beginning to believe it's the only way to move on. Otherwise I may be in this same spot in a year, five years, ten years.  Don't I truly want better, to be deliriously happy?  Maybe part of me believes that I'm not meant to have that kind of happiness? 

I have never had any long lasting happiness, all of it has been fleeting; only to become more sad and broken each time I try...  maybe I just have to give myself over to the whole process.  No matter how it feels, just let it be and build from there.

I know this is not the most uplifting post but my blog is my journal, it is about how I feel on any given day or moment.  It is my place to work out my feelings, it helps me to see where I have been and where I am going.  This year has been the most incredibly hardest year of my life... one I was not sure I could get through.  I am here though, still working through my emotions... still standing when even I didn't believe in myself.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield