I wrote a post last night that I couldn't put on my blog, it was sad and way too emotional. I've been this way for the past couple of days. I went on the cleanse so that I could work hard to clean up all aspects of my life. Some changes were easier, some were downright hard.
I realized that I haven't healed, not nearly as much as I thought or hoped. I just masked all the pain and I can't or rather I won't continue to cover it anymore. So instead I'm living in each moment of sadness and pain, things I was sure I had dealt with. Come to find out I hadn't dealt with it all, I had covered or buried it. All in an effort to feel better, to feel healed.
Unless I am willing to continue to cover my emotions for the rest of my life, I will have to break down and learn to be comfortable with them and with me. It's so difficult to live with the pain I feel and believe that everything will be okay.
Why am I the one who has invested so much of my heart and soul to only have it broken time and again? Why can't I get to the point that I don't care, where I can walk away and say it was all their loss and truly believe it?
I keep hearing all I have to do is have faith, is it really that easy?
It is definitely more difficult to have faith when you're having a sad or down day. At least I think it is. When you are feeling vulnerable, it takes more effort to believe, but it is still possible. I'm sorry to hear you are having these struggles. I hope things improve for you soon.
ReplyDeleteAwe, thank you Daisy... I am good.. I am just sad... I really shouldn't have read the emails.
ReplyDeleteI have been busy changing my blog.. back to reading my blogs that I follow tomorrow:)
Hello Launna:
ReplyDeleteWe are really saddened to read this post and to discover that things are not going as well for you as you had hoped. There is little we can say that will change things except to assure you that you are in our thoughts.
I am sorry Jane and Lance... this post was better than the last one I almost put up. I just want to be honest about how I feel, it might only last a few days but I don't want to be a fraud and pretend that everything is wonderful all the time. Thank you for you kind comment:)
ReplyDeleteSomeone told me that the one who "loves the least in the relationship has the most power." Sadly, I realized how true that is and vowed never to give more to the other person than they give back. Never give away the power. Life does get better...
ReplyDeleteThank you Crack the Whip, I agree... It was evenly matched and more on his side before he changed his mind abruptly. Then it became me loving him more, I won't put myself out there and love again... It's way too painful and so not worth it. I nearly lost my best friend for nothing, a fantasy come true... so not worth it!!
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