True Love Should Be Shared

What I hoped would get easier for me hasn't, I am still working at keeping myself positive and although it's difficult, I am happy.  There have been a lot of changes this last year, I was able to get my house together in a state that I would be happy to have anyone just drop over at a moments notice.  I have worked on myself so that I could get through the sad losses I have had this year.  I know that it's not the year, it just happened like that.

It's not like 2013 will come around and my life will change just like that.  I am just having a moment, it's because the holidays are coming up and it makes me think about last year and how very ecstatic I was... I was over the moon, excited and I felt like I had the world at my feet, there was so much joy in my life.  Nothing could get me down, I had everything I wanted.

Then I had to deal with losing it all, I didn't handle it very well, in fact I dealt with it in all the wrong ways... I just wanted to feel better.  None of it helped though, none of it covered the core pain... it was still there, no matter what I did.  The holidays are around the corner and I went shopping for a few of my gifts, I bought something for my grandson Jackson.  I am sending it from Valentina as my oldest daughter doesn't want to talk to me yet, (maybe never, who knows).  I also found what I wanted to make for my David, which reminded me of last year and how I was so excited to have him come home.

I had the best holidays, I smiled and laughed so much... I was so at peace, I had huge dreams.  It all fell apart in the new year and I fell apart with it... it has been such a long hard road to get myself back on track.  I am not fully there but at least I am on the right path.  My David is going in for an operation on Wednesday the 21st, I am sure he will be okay... I will still worry though.  Anytime someone has surgery it can be scary, I will be fasting and praying for him before, during and after. 

More than anything, I wish I could be there for him... I am so far away from him and I feel helpless.  Most of the time he will be home on his own recovering, no one should be alone... least of all my 'D'.   As in my previous post, nothing matters but people, relationships and love.... things are things and they don't matter.   I could have all the things I want and not one of them would fill me up, that is what is wrong with this world.

We as a society have chosen to believe that objects and stuff will make us happy in our core.  Really? think about that, when was the last time that an object made you happy in your heart?  I can't think of anything that makes me happier than when my children, family and friends are happy and at peace; this is what brings me joy!  I don't think it is wrong to want things, I just think we need to keep things in perspective, those items are not what will bring us true and lasting joy.

I remember when I was living with Andrey and I felt trapped... I felt like I was never going to be free of him... I started thinking of all kinds of ways to leave, I thought of picking up and moving somewhere so that he couldn't find me; you know all that I wanted then was to have Valentina and nothing else.  Finally I was free from him and I was truly happy, I was in control of my life, I didn't have to live in fear... things were never a thought when I went through that time in my life.

I need to remember that, I need to stop acquiring useless items that only take up space in my life and my head... I learned a lot this year, none of it easy but everything I needed to learn to grow.