The only thing that matters now is my mission. Nothing will stand in the way anymore.
I never have a time I cannot write, I seem to sit down at any given moment and I can put words to paper... I can remember being really young and writing little stories in my head and then writing more complex ones as I became older. I think that is why the blog worked for me, I could just come here anytime and write whatever I was thinking about or feeling... I never thought of the end result though, opening yourself up can bring about consequences I never envisioned... maybe I should have but I just had a need to write as I always have.
After Andrey raped me and I realized how I had lost myself and my voice, I started to blog... it was my place to just let everything out. I didn't blog often and very few people read it in the beginning, I was a total mess emotionally. I did things back than that I would never do today. Why not today? Because I have self esteem, I have self confidence now... I have this because I opened up more about myself, talked myself through some really tough times and proved to myself and a lot of other people that it is more than possible to take your life back and make it so much better, even at the age of 50.
A lot of good things came around for me, I learned a great deal about myself in the past few years but more so once I started my weight loss journey in June of this year. I remember how I decided that something had to change in my life, I could not imagine being where I was in a year from then.... Once I started taking one day at a time and really working towards my goal, I saw fabulous results, the kind that turned heads. It was really good for me, I started assessing some of my old patterns. I realized what little self confidence I had in myself, I had myself convinced that I didn't deserve anything decent, kind or loving.
The more weight I lost the more that I saw how curvy I was and it made me feel good. I liked and do like that I have made my body look better than it has in years. I did that, my determination did that, nothing got it my way. In the past two weeks I let something get in the way, that something changed how I felt about writing here. I am determined and I still am that I am to write to show everyone that change is possible. It was and is good for me to write in other places that is just for me, sometimes we need to be able to just lay it all out in one place than leave it there. That's what I have been doing there... just writing whatever comes to mind.
But by doing that, I have spent upwards of two hours at a time just writing about growing up, being a single mom twice, once when I was younger, another when I was older, the rape... on and on... whatever comes to mind. I just say it all, all my feelings no matter what they are, they just come out. The process has been interesting and hard, lots of emotions come out, some that I never suspected. I purge it all though, in the writing so that I don't carry it with me anymore. I want my insides to match my outsides... I am not far from my goal and I know that I look so much better than I even I thought I could.
I am grateful that I have gained self confidence before I even get to my goal weight, I learned I had to love myself no matter what weight I was at, that was the only way I would never accept less for myself in the future. I knew I was on the right path when I got the a ha moment from it this summer, it was realizing that I never knew my worth and how I plan never to lose that again. I don't plan to ever gain the weight back but if I did, I would still know my worth. Once I saw my worth, that is when I gained my confidence... that was when I started expecting more.
I have a list of things I want in a man and although they may be difficult to reach, I think he is out there, he is just going to have to work harder than most to wow me... I told a friend that earlier and I meant it. I think he is out there, time will tell but until then I am not hanging with guys that are not worth my time. I am spending more time looking after myself, continuing with the exercise and weight loss, finishing my two courses to have my PCP so that I can run payroll anywhere down the road if I wanted to... it is always good to have options.
I may only write here sporadically, sometimes often, sometimes not... it will all depend on what time I have after I have done the things I need to do, exercising, writing in the other blog (which is where my book will come from) and getting my PCP (payroll compliance practitioner) through work. There is only so much of me and my time to go around. Also, I am looking at getting a councilor... I need to find someone who will challenge me, not be entertained by me. Somehow I will have to fit that into my busy life but it is important, so I am making that top priority.. I am making me top priority.
