Forgiving Myself First

After I posted last night, I realized that it was my 500th post... When I started writing this is July 2009, I knew very little about blogging... I had started writing so that I could release some of the pain of the rape I endured from my ex.  I could close my eyes at the time and replay the night over and over... going through denial, sadness, anger... I went through it all.  When the rape happened, I told very few people, I did see my doctor but I didn't do anything about it because I had allowed him in when he was not supposed to be in my home.

Part of me blamed myself for not seeing what he was capable of, I always had my eyes shut tight when it came to him... the blog came about once I finally laid charges a year later.  Once I had him put away, I started to deal with the rape, not always in the best ways... It was a long hard road, right into the court room where his lawyer tried to portray me as a whore that begged him and offered him money.  I remember thinking to myself in that moment, if he just knew that I never really liked being with him...

Once I was away from him long enough to get myself back... where I could see all the detrimental things he said to me were only his thoughts, they were not who I was.  Writing my blog over the years helped me to understand how I had come into that relationship and why I stayed... I didn't believe in me, I do now... I would never tolerate that attitude in my life again.  Especially not after having my David in my life, I only expect the best... My 'D' showed me I deserved nothing but the best.

I didn't just want to survive the rape, I wanted to come out better on the other side.  Showing Andrey that he couldn't break me, he tried but he didn't succeed.... I wanted to do this process with forgiveness because I knew that without forgiving him I would be forever tied to him and that night.  I learned a lot about myself after that night, I am stronger than I ever believed, I am worthy... I deserve my dreams and even though I made mistakes, I deserve forgiveness.

I have long believed that forgiving people was the only way to be free, what I learned from all this was that I needed to forgive myself the most.  

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥