Seeing The Light Eventually

I spent my whole Saturday busy with Valentina and cleaning.  First, I didn't sleep for more than two hours at a time Friday night.  Second I went to an Easter egg hunt with Valentina on Saturday morning. The third thing was cleaning, laundry, dishes and a total re-do of my bedroom. Thankfully a friend came over and helped me clean and organize my room... I was so exhausted I just passed out after she left.

My emotions are on a rollercoaster... I'm agitated and snappy or I'm crying.  My friend said that it is normal with everything I have handled for the past year or so.  She explained that grief and loss can take two years or more to get through.  Most people think I should just be over it... so I hide it, let people think I'm okay... when sometimes I'm just not.  I almost feel like I don't have the right to be sad ... but I do.  

If I don't allow myself to be sad occasionally ...  I will forever sabotage any growth possibility.  I need to be able to cry, maybe if I let myself cry... I'll finally be able to heal.  I really think the answer to dealing with pain is head on, I need to cry, be angry or whatever else it takes to get through the loss.  Why do people think that getting over losing someone or a dream is easy?  Why are people afraid to let other people grieve in their own time?  There are people who think I should just take a pill to heal myself but I don't think that's the answer... that just masks the pain and I never end up actually dealing with it. 

 

I was reading Mastin Kipp's blog The Daily Love today and I read this paragraph:

 

The metaphor of today is exciting and a reminder that no matter how dark it might seem, no matter what we might be going through, the sun will rise again and we will be reborn stronger, wiser and with greater insight than we had before. 

 

I know that the day will come where I will be stronger and wiser... until that day comes, I will deal with my pain more openly.  That means no more hiding, no more covering, no more everything is fine when it isn't... That does not mean I will be a total downer, I have ups and downs like everyone but I cannot continue to pretend that everything is fine just to please others.  That also means that I am going to start a conversation that I am afraid to start but if I never start it, I will never know.

 

Dealing with loss and pain SUCKS, if it was easy, none of us would mind... it's not easy though.  I am doing this for me, even if it means I lose something I love very much... what is the use in loving something if I cannot love it openly.  There is no use in that, it only causes more pain down the road.

 

Once you see the light, you come to understand just how deeply in the dark you have been. ~ Amethyst Wyldfyre

 

This quote above reminds me that I have seen the light before on many things I was in the dark about... I will see the light about this too...

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥