Freedom From The Whys

Today was a MUCH  better travel trip to work, all three buses connected and I arrived there in 55 minutes... I had another good day at work, the clients and I had some great conversations and I helped fix some really big issues.  I feel like I am learning and retaining lots of things lately, it was very true what they told me when I was hired... they said that it took about six months that you stopped panicking on a call and you actually new something but that it could take up to two years to feel like you knew something.  I have been in my position for almost five years and although I get crazy questions, I am in the state that I want to know why instead of just giving an answer someone else told me to give. That feels good, that feels productive to me.... since I wondered how or why I wasn't let go in the beginning from all the mistakes I made and how slowly it took me to understand programming.

My company knows and understand that this is not an easy peasy job... it takes time, it is almost like learning a whole new language, as everything is in code and there are so many you cannot memorize them, so you just learn as each day goes by... I think it's awesome.  I love my job, I feel I am very good at it and I love that I continue to learn every single day.

So, the only thing to mar an otherwise wonderful day was that my David messaged me to tell me that his Son is having troubles again... it breaks my heart because my D is far away and he can't be here and he loves his son so much.  He really is a very good daddy, I knew there was a reason I was attracted to him when I was a teenager, I could see all those amazing qualities in him that he now possesses... He probably already had them, he just magnified them.

I will be sending out good and positive thoughts for David's son as well as prayers.  I know he won't rest until he hears some good news, my D already has too much on his plate and I am hoping for this will be one less issue he will have to deal with. 

David asked me why bad things seem to always happen to good people and why people who seem to hurt other people don't have consequences?  I understand completely where he is coming from, I have a lot of people who ask me this... First and foremost for me, I gave up questioning why?  There was never an answer, I will not understand why... second, for me to move on, I have to forgive some of those people who may have hurt me or ones that I love... otherwise I would be the one suffering by becoming bitter and angry.  I definitely have many things that I could question....

Why did I have to go through the fire?  Why did I have to grow up with an abusive ex step mother?  Why did I have to deal with being raped by Andrey?  I gave up asking all those why's because I wanted to live in the present and I didn't want the past to pull me down.  I forgave the abuse and the rape, it doesn't mean I want to have either of these people in my home for dinner... it means I can be civil to them and not let them dictate my present and future.

I didn't come to any of this easily, I had to take all the hard roads but with each trial I have endured, I have grown from them... It actually feels good to let go, it means one less thing for me to worry about... Who needs added things to worry about?  Not me and I hope we can all learn to forgive and move on, not for any of those people that may of hurt or wronged us but for ourselves, it's freeing..

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥