I Need To Stop This Merry-Go-Round

I thought about not writing tonight... not because I don't have things I want to write about but more because I think I have too much to say and too much of the same thing.  I feel like I go around in circles sometimes, which then has me thinking why I won't find a way off the merry-go-round.  At first it was fun, I laughed and really enjoyed it, lately I am only feeling sick and wanting off... it's true when people tell us that there is too much of a good thing.

I want to be able to take a chance and right now I don't feel strong enough to do that... not where it counts.  I want to say enough is enough but I don't want off the merry-go-round for good, just for a break...  I feel like I am back at square one, at least I know more now than I did, so being back at square one doesn't mean that I will stay there long.  It's just the hardest one to deal with, it's the one that knocks the wind out of me and I find it hard to breathe... I wonder if the feeling will ever go away.

I go through my options again and again, choice A is continuing on this path where I hope that I can finally make a breakthrough and see that it was all worth it one way or the other.  Which could be very good or not... or choice B which is the hardest choice, one when I think of choosing it makes me have a panic attack where I can barely breathe. 

I guess the options keep coming up because I keep choosing option A and it keeps bringing me back to the options... which means I should choose option B.  Maybe it will be the one where I finally get off the merry-go-round, I am hoping that it isn't as difficult as I think it will be... maybe it just seems that way.  I have been thinking about this because someone told me it was time for me to start dating and I instantly said no... when I think about dating and putting my heart there again, I become overwhelmed and I get short of breath.

First and foremost, I can't ever imagine loving anyone more than I love my David... I don't even think I can convey all the feelings I have for him and how he sees the best in me and wants the best for me.  I have never had anyone who cared about me like that. Second and most important is that I don't think I could handle another let down.  This one nearly took me out, I can still remember that horrible feeling when I found out that it wasn't going to work out.  I dropped to the floor and I could barely breathe... I sobbed from the depths of my soul.  It went on for days, I stayed in bed for three full days and than I finally got out to go to work, I sobbed between calls and on the bus.. anywhere, I sobbed myself to sleep.

I don't feel like that all the time anymore and I don't ever want to feel that way again.  It took me a long time to pull myself out of that, thinking about dating brings back all those feelings.  I don't know how I could ever trust anyone not to hurt me again... it's not even possible to ask that because there are no guarantees in life, so that's why I have held back on dating. 

I told my sister this after I messaged her and said, I am going to end up being like mom, aren't I?  She called to tell me, only if I choose to... My mother never took a chance again in her life after my father broke her heart because she said only one man had broke her heart twice and she wasn't willing to take a chance with anyone else.  I don't want to be like my mother... that means taking a chance and hoping it doesn't break me completely.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥