The Aftermath Of Rape

I purposefully decided not to write about this on it's five year anniversary, I wanted to take some time to think about it and reflect on how far I have come and I also thought about the path I took to get here, where I am today.  So, April 13, 2013 was the five year mark of my being raped by Andrey, I rarely think about it and it only came back to me on that date.   Of course I remembered it in detail, I remember that Valentina was just one room away sleeping and I didn't want her to wake up and see that, so I didn't fight back as hard as I wanted to...

Rape is demoralizing and there are no real words to explain what it does to a woman or person it has happened to... I knew of people this had happened to, I thought I understood, I didn't though.  It was probably one of the worst days I have ever had in my life, especially when it comes from a person you once had feelings for, you end up despising them for a while... then you either come to terms with it and  move on or you hold on to it and become bitter... I chose to move on...

However, I took the long road there, for the first year I was tested regularly to make sure I didn't catch some sexual disease because at that point Andrey was sleeping with just about anybody... thankfully I was given a clean bill of health.. I spent the first year basically trying not to think about it or let it affect me, I told my doctor and a few very close friends...

Almost one year to the date, Andrey was going down hill emotionally and he was pushing to move back in with me, this was NOT going to happen... I had Cindy be with me the night he showed up trying to bully me and when he threatened to harm us, she called the police and that set the next few years of my life into complete chaos for me.  Andrey was put into jail and he had to stand trial for the rape and the threats.  It was about this time that I thought it might be a good time for me to start dating, believe me, I seriously wonder what I was thinking.

Anyhow, since I had not dealt with the rape and I was dating, I ended up not respecting myself because I was starting to deal with the emotions through counseling that was provided for me.  I went through a phase where I saw quite a few guys and I was promiscuous, apparently this is normal for some women who were raped... I didn't think it was appropriate at all but I had so little self esteem that I didn't care at the time.  Finally I started getting myself together and I had started respecting myself again, this is when my David came back into my life again. 

We had spoke on Facebook off and on for four years and when I was going through the trial, David and I were talking then, he knew... he was wonderful about it, very kind and caring.  Somewhere a long the line David shut his Facebook down for a bit and I lost contact with him, anyhow he reactivated and that was when we really started to talk seriously and I divulged to him the way I had lived for a while.  He was very understanding, not the least bit judgmental... it was what I needed the most, I needed validation that I had done nothing to deserve being raped.

Nor was a bad person for making the mistakes I made on my path to getting myself better.  I totally respect myself now, I won't allow myself to act that way... it's because I am stronger emotionally, some from the counseling, some from my friends, some from blogging (this one helped me a lot).  My David told me that I am not my past, it was just a path a took, now that I respect myself, I won't accept anything less than the best. 

I love this quote by Maya Angelou

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥