On The Other Side Of The Horizon

I woke up early this morning, I am restless... I laid in bed for as long as I could trying to go back to sleep because it is Saturday after all.  Today is supposed to be a very rainy day in Halifax, at one point they were forecasting up to 50 millimeters of rain, it looks like it is down to about 20 millimeters now.... since it was going to rain so much, I was prepared, the dishwasher is loaded, ready to be turned on, I did the laundry last night and I went grocery shopping... All of these are the things I do on Saturday, I wanted to be able to get a great sleep, wake up late and laze in bed with a good book...

Instead, I woke up restless, my mind is racing.... I am on the horizon of change, in getting there, I feel like I am losing a part of myself.  That is what change is about, losing parts of yourself... only to gain better parts... I know deep in my heart that better things are on that horizon but it is very painful losing that part of me I don't want to let go.  Unfortunately when a part of me is more sad than happy I need to let it go.  I want to be strong enough but honestly I don't know if I am... some challenges are bigger than others, some take a very long time.

The challenge in those ones are not letting them wear down my tenacity in the process of getting through whatever it is that I am going through at any given time.  When I had to deal with Andrey raping me, I knew I would get through that, there would be a process of ups and downs but I felt as though I knew the steps to get through.  This time I don't know the steps, I am unsure of where I will end up... I guess that is why I tried to hold on to that part of me for so long.

I am not sure if I will feel like writing, then again I think I may feel like writing more... I really don't know how it will affect me all in the long run... I am hoping it will be the latter and that I will write, which I think will be therapeutic for me, I feel like I have come so far.  I guess that is why we are given those trials, to show us that we have what it takes.  I have to believe in myself even though I don't see the steps or the way through to the end... that's the daunting task in front of me.

I am hoping when I get to the other side of the horizon that I will be able to see that letting go was my only choice.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥