Why Am I Never Enough?

Today was one of those days, it's raining a lot here and my mood was matching the weather... I had a mini melt down at work (not work related)... I ended up leaving so that I wouldn't make a total fool of myself since I started to cry and I didn't stop for a few hours... not that I cried the whole time but I was highly emotional for close to four hours...

I started beating myself up and I wasn't able to get control of it... I am glad I left work, I needed to just be home where I could cry it out and blog.  So, I sit here trying to analyze myself, wondering what it is about me that makes it so hard for someone to love me?  I question myself and think... is it because I am too fat?... I am a big girl... is it because of my scars?  Am I too much of myself? (I can be overwhelming with my emotions)...

When I start questioning these thoughts, I realize that I have very little self esteem...  Every time I think I have gained some self worth, a day like this happens and takes all that I have worked for away... It then feels like I have to start from scratch all over again... It is exhausting to continually build myself back up... but my tenacity doesn't allow me to quit.  It keeps pushing me to keep working at it, keep trying...

I think the thing that irks me the most is when someone tells me how strong I am...  I am but it bothers me to hear it sometimes... just because I have days like this, days where I paint a smile on my face and I act the part, where I hide everything inside.  But because I do that... I end up with a day like this, where I lose control and cry.  Which makes me realize that I have to start letting it out a little at a time... otherwise I will have another one of these days.

My mom told me that until the time I was six years old that I had tons of self confidence, I had lots of play mates and that I didn't get upset if children were mean to me about my scars... my mother taught me love... I remember a time that I was taking the school bus home and I decided not to get off the bus at my stop, instead I went to my friends for lunch.  My mother was frantic, the girls parents called my mom and I was returned home where my mother instantly hugged me.  I could tell she was worried but I also felt that she wasn't angry at me, I felt loved.

Unfortunately I didn't get to live with my mother, I ended up living with my father after my parents separated and he decided to live with my psycho ex step mother Ruth.  Where we lived in fear basically, my sister Shelly accidentally broke an elastic band and she was beat for that, she was five years old.  We always sat on pins and needles wondering when her hand would just fly out and whack one of us in the head.  Unbelievable that anyone would do this to a child.... destroying their self esteem.... 

I don't have these feelings of low self worth every day... most days I am very upbeat... It's like I get hit with a challenge.. which I don't handle very well immediately, then I start questioning everything about myself.. I start to think I must not be enough.  This whole process frustrates me, I wish I could stop the doubts about my self worth.  I know I am a good, kind, forgiving, caring, loving person... I have lots of flaws too but everyone does... Some days though I always return to the question... Why am I never enough?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥