I have been so emotional with all the changes in my life, I apologize... I don't like my blog sounding depressing but I know of no other way to be than honest... if I didn't put it out there it would be inside me tearing me up. Unfortunately it comes out with all my emotions over flowing... I have never been good at hiding how I feel. I know people that put on a smile and you would never know what is going on in their head, that is not me... I cry when I am sad and it is not a pretty cry.... I laugh out loud when I think something is funny and I love with every piece of my heart.
There is no half way mark with me, I just let it out. I have tried to hold back tears, laughter and love... I have never been successful at any of these. My emotions are right at the surface, always one step away from being outside. Believe me, I have tried to bury them, especially the sadness... If I manage to be the least bit successful... I find out that I haven't been... it just means it comes out with more emotions that than become even more overwhelming.
I know I can be a little hard to deal with when I am sad, some people want to tell me how lucky I am, others feel for me and they don't know what to say... Mostly I just have to get it out, tears and all... than I feel better for a while. What I really want to learn how to do is let it out a little at a time, instead of ending up having a melt down. I don't know why it is always all or nothing with me... I have never been a girl that gives part of myself in anything. Especially when it comes to love... It takes a lot for me to love someone but once I do, I love them for my life...
When I have to let that go, it breaks me inside... I loved one man when I was 23 and I loved him for nearly 23 years... I finally stopped loving him when I told him Andrey raped me and he asked me what did I expect? I have never looked back and we were close... very close. Not as close as my David and me and David would never have said anything like that to me... Once I love someone, they really have to hurt me for me to stop loving them...
I am at crossroads where it is fast becoming all or nothing again with me.... the question is... am I willing to accept nothing in this case since I can't have all of it... ?
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥
Hi Launna:
ReplyDeleteI hope that I'm reading the comment right, but your friend said in so many words that you deserved to be raped because of something you did??? If this is right, then let that person go out of your life. No-one deserves to be abused, nobody. Walking away doesn't mean you have nothing, but it says that you are SOMEBODY!!!!
Sending you a big hug!!!
Thank you Suzanne... he is out of my life..five years now... yes, he actually said "What did you expect?" I was shocked... some people are jerks:-/
ReplyDeleteWow--the whole thing with Andrey--how horrible! I had no idea! I can't believe someone said "what did you expect?" Launna, you don't NEED this toxicity in your life!!! You must move on to better people who will love you and appreciate you for the beautiful person you are inside. Don't let the toxic people bring you down! You will find love again, and it will be wonderful. Open yourself up to the possibilities...
ReplyDeleteThanks Marcia... that was my ex Tony... he is not in my life.... my David would never say that or anything like that to me... he was disgusted with Tony and very supportive of me ;-)
ReplyDeleteYes Launna, you are always so honest and bare your true feelings, that is one of the things, just 1, that we love about you. Hope you can feel that love across the miles, my cyber friend. I am often thinking of you and wishing you all good things.
ReplyDeleteThank you Good, I really appreciate the kind words... so sweet... I think of you too :)
ReplyDeleteI am an all or nothing person too. I laugh, I rage, I feel. But sometimes it is better to have something rather than nothing. When relationships change sometimes you need time to make that change in you, but people you live, well, I always think part of love is accepting how they feel, even if it is not always in line with your feelings. I hope you find your right answers for what is good and healthy for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jamie... you are very intuitive... really :)
ReplyDeleteWriting is the best form of therapy. Be yourself and let out the emotions (we love you anyway). You know what's right for you, and never let anyone deny you the pain you feel. No one has a right to blame you for something you know in your heart was wrong. Real friends build you up and guide, no blame. You're better off without him.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sara... I agree with you... not everyone feels the same as you do;-)
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing the right thing by expressing your feelings and emotions instead of trying to hold them back. Suppressed emotions tend to resurface at another time sometimes in the wrong way. At least that's how it has been for me.
ReplyDeleteThank you Daisy... I really appreciate your support and every single time you comment, you make me feel special... :)
ReplyDelete