Free Falling.... Where Will I Land?

I feel like I did back in December... just trying to hold myself together... wondering if it is worth it...  I just feel as though I have a hole inside that I can't fill.  I have tried so many things and nothing seems to help, instead everything I've attempted has actually left me feeling emptier.  I really thought that when I held it together over the holidays that I made it past some imaginary line and I was going to be able to cope with the future.

Lately though, it is a daily struggle to get through even a day.. .I have too much on my plate right now and I am trying so hard to see the good.  I know it's time for me to move but I am not looking forward to it, it's so huge, so much to do... with purging, packing, finding a place, finding people to help me move, unpacking... on and on... I am so exhausted thinking about it. 

Valentina is becoming a tween and with that she is finding her voice... which is good but difficult for me as the parent. Part of me wants to keep her a little girl for as long as possible but that is not what raising children is about.  It's about loving them and guiding them in the right direction, even when they go off track as teenagers... It's just very hard for me when she now starts to get upset with me and says hurtful things I know deep down she doesn't mean. 

I am in a place in my life where I don't want to argue with anyone, I want to get a long as much as possible.  That is a pipe dream when raising a preteen or teenager, even the best of them have their days and my Valentina is a very sweet girl but even she has her moments lately where she is voicing herself and not always in great ways...

I also have a new baby sitter starting in a week, Cindy found her for me... though I am happy about this... I will miss seeing my Cindy everyday and my never having to worry about Valentina while I was at work.  I knew she was being very well taken care of... now I have to get to know someone new and there will be growing pains as there is with any relationship... I really hope that Valentina clicks well with her as she did with Cindy.

Also, I am thinking of changing positions at work, I am the only one in my area that has not moved in the five years I have been there... because I was sure I wouldn't be able to deal with the change and the new learning curve that comes with any new job but I know it's time...

All of this is leaving me feeling rather lost and wanting to have something steady that I can hold on to... I reach out and there is nothing there... I am free falling and I am wondering where I will land when all of these changes happen. Part of me wants to see into the future and see that everything worked out okay... unfortunately we don't have that luxury... we have to keep going even though we have no idea where we will end up...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥