All I Ever Wanted

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.   

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone...

You know I have been going through a lot of things lately with all the changes I have made in my life and I haven't disclosed all those changes because I believe some things are better left to a small group of people.  It's funny with all the changes that I wouldn't be more nervous, more scared or more wanting to run away and hide but I am not.  For example the food issues I have had all my life, I don't even miss the type of food I used to eat before, I don't even think once I have lost the weight I am going to eat that food again... I highly doubt I will... I just don't miss that food... Another example is exercise... I did a little over the years here and there but I never pushed myself to the next level... This time all I want to do is push myself to the next level and the one after that... I can hardly wait to challenge myself.  I am never sorry when I go out for a walk or a jog or even when I use the stationary bike... I am always thankful that I was able to accomplish those items and then I get right back and want to do them again.

If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched.

Saying all that, I have been pretty overwhelmed when it comes to my David and tonight just drove that home to me...  not that he hasn't been on my mind as usual because that would be a lie if I said that he wasn't.  Tonight I met with some higher ups in my church and I explained what David meant to me and how lost I would be without him in my life.  I explained that I had never been so close to anyone until I had reconnected with my David... When he came home in 2011 and we just stood in my hallway holding each other, with my head on his chest... I felt like I had found my other half.  This is not to say that I am not whole without him because that's not true but I felt more fulfilled than any other time in my life.

I guess that is why when my David realized he still had feeling for his ex that he had just broke up with a few months before...  and he told me he still wanted to be friends and although I knew that was foolish and was going to be painful, I just didn't think I could handle the hole that it would leave in my heart and soul if I didn't at least try to remain friends.  He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and yet he makes me cry sometimes.  In the past year and a half or so, I have flip flopped over and over again about remaining friends with him... Each time I come to the conclusion that I can't imagine my life without him... Lots of people tell me I would eventually get over him, I don't know that I would... he is my soul mate.. I have never loved anyone like I love him... nor do I think that it is possible to love someone else that much. 

So, I realized that I am walking and exercising to not think about David because last night after I had been to the physiotherapist I really was unable to walk and I felt it would be better to rest my knees and start out new this morning. Which was a good decision as I was much stronger this morning and I was able to walk 2 and a half miles and not feel completely tired out, then I went on the bike at work for 20 minutes and had another half hour walk later in the evening... all of which felt great.  But last night when I couldn't walk, I started thinking about David and I started to cry and because I couldn't walk it away or exercise it away, I opened that up again and now no amount of exercise is helping.

And I bet you didn't know
That she cries herself to sleep every
night thinking of you
replaying everything you ever said
everything you ever did
and wondering where she went wrong

Where did I go wrong???

I just have to take a break from blogging for a while and really focus on myself with working through this and getting my home organized so that I can be ready to move as soon as I find a place.  I realized last night that I could push my feelings down by one form after another form of addiction such as eating, exercising, blogging... etc but no matter how much I do to shove it down, it always comes back and it is bigger than it was to begin with... I have to take a week or two... hopefully not more and really get my head into a better place so that I will continue to get healthy by eating right and exercising.  Otherwise, all my old habits or addictions will come back to pull me down again, that is the last thing I want... I have to figure out a way to come to terms with everything so that I can get to the next level.  I need to stop substituting the pain I have with things... blogging, exercising, eating.... the list is endless... I need to deal with it, so that all the steps I have taken to better myself will actually help me.

I am going to miss everyone's blog... if I follow you and comment, believe me, I love your blog.  I don't follow and comment on someones blog to have them follow and comment on mine... I genuinely follow the blogs I do because I get to know you all and really care about what you are passionate about.  For this reason I won't be gone long, I know I won't be able to stay away from each of you... the blogs that make me feel so many emotions, the ones that make me laugh, the ones that make me think, even the lovely fashion blogs I follow... I just need that time I fill up with writing, reading and commenting on blogs to be available for me to work through some things I am going through. 

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone.. I don't want to slide back, I hope you all understand... besides... I will be back..;)

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥