I Am Not Broken, I Am A Human Being

I knew when I wrote my last post that there would be people who understood and just let me feel, I also knew there would be people who would feel uncomfortable with what I wrote and they would want to tell me how I should feel.  Sometimes I feel like writing a personal blog that no one else could read because there I would not feel judged, I would not feel like I had to hide how I was feeling at any given moment. Then I think, if I had that type of blog, I might get lost there... never posting here again.  At least with this one I continually try to better myself, attempt to be happy, attempt to want better.... if I had a blog where I could write whatever I felt every single day, I would wallow in the sadness.

That's why I continue to write here, I don't want to wallow in the sadness... but I need to say how I feel sometimes.  It is very hard for me to not write about what I am feeling for fear of being judged for being too sad... it's like some people don't think I have the right to be sad which makes me crazy.  No one can be happy all the time, if you are I want to know what drug you are on?  It is not natural to be elated constantly and since I have highs and lows, I write about them all. 

Believe me tomorrow or the next day, I will be in an up mood, I will be happier than I was today.  I will be working on being a better me, a more grateful me.  I believe in being grateful and thankful as I know I am blessed... but I am human, I cry, I feel sad and I need to have a place to let it out.  If I don't let it out, I would fall back on old methods of dealing and none of those were good for me.  All those old addictions that I used as coping mechanisms ultimately led me to the dark... where I was unable to see the light that was trying to get in.

Today without them, I see the light, I see that although there are tough days like this... I know that there are better days in the future.  Even though exercising has become another form of an addiction for me, it is a healthy one... I need this one to combat the old ones... otherwise I could fall back into the old ones much to easily.. At least with walking I am getting healthy, I am feeling strong, I am feeling determined and motivated.  These are all good things to aspire to... all good things to want. 

When I write posts like the last one, it gives me an outlet to feel, to cry, to be myself.   Isn't that what we all want, we just want to be able to feel and have someone say it's okay... I am not broken, I am a human being and I am the type of person that cannot hold it in, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Which I can understand is uncomfortable for others who don't do this... This is why we are all different, we all have our ways of dealing with life and it's ever changing moments.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥