Maybe Some Things Were Not Meant For Me

It is raining here in Nova Scotia again, at least the temperature dropped with the rain.  It was truly unbearable to say the least...  However; I did walk even though the humidex was like a 35C and above for quite a few days.  I walked to the bridge on the way to work this morning and really pushed myself hard... I talked to one of the girls at work and told her how I would like to start running a little, she suggested running in 10 to 15 second sprints... this is something I think I can handle.  Once I master that, I am going to push it up to 30 seconds at a time... I want that feeling that all runners talk about, the freedom to just focus on breathing and the adrenaline it brings.

I think after dealing with my emotions yesterday I was wound up tightly, I am grateful that I didn't resort to my many addictions from the past ... believe me I have too many to count.  I just wrote and wrote and then cried a little.  My sister and I talked a bit as she was going through something similar... I told her that I don't think romantic relationships are for me... I didn't feel that anyone could really love me romantically.  She said it sounds like I don't love myself... Quite the contrary... I do love myself, I know I have many people who love me too.

I have amazing family and friends who love and believe in me ... I just don't believe that romantic love is for me...  I have never had it work out... and although I think I want to give it a try again, I wonder if I am strong enough to see it disappear again and again?  I know people are going to say... don't think like that.  How am I supposed to think?  In all my life, I have never been truly loved in a way that I was willing to love.  How am I to believe that the kind of love I am willing to give, even exists for me? 

I honestly believe for me to be happy that I have to give up that dream and move on... just live my life, be a mama, a friend, a sister, a nana... Many people are happy this way... maybe I can be too...?  You know, I have been so sure of so many things in my life... One, I can make friends anywhere, anytime... if I don't click with someone, it is rare and most likely their issue.  Two, I excel in job interviews, I just know how to sell myself  and because I am friendly I know how to connect with people.  Three, I am competitive, when I put my mind to something, there is nothing that I cannot achieve.

Romance is the wild card, the one I have no control over... no matter how easy going and friendly I am... it doesn't bring love into my life.  It doesn't even help that the older I get the more comfortable I am with me, even though I am overweight (which I won't be forever)... men just don't look at me that way, or feel that way about me...There is absolutely no one in this world who can love my David more passionately than I do, that was not enough.  Maybe my sister is right, we love deeply... I would say I love too deeply... if that is possible?

I have decided that if I cannot write my blog at lunch time while I am at work that I will not be writing one for the next few days.  I need to get my house organized and clean... I am supposed to be moving in September and  I cannot expect anyone to help me pack when there is so much stuff that needs to removed from my house first. Once that is done, I can really put the effort into looking for a place and then packing.  I should be able to get most of it done by this weekend but that means coming home and just diving in every night and spending a good hour and a half to two hours just purging items that are no longer needed and then cleaning.  Something needs to give and I am not willing to give up my walking, that is top priority at this time, walking and getting healthy.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥