The Bigger The Challenge, The Bigger The Gift

I just don't know how I can be so happy, yet so sad... how is that possible?  When I'm focused on eating healthy and exercising I seem to be able to keep things together.  It's after I curl up in bed and think about things that the tears come and I cry... I'm sad at these times.

I laid in bed last night... questioning the tears and the sadness... wondering how to get passed them all.  Usually I go for a walk/jog in the evening; I guess so that I can exhaust myself so I can sleep.  I skipped my walk last night so that I would be rested enough to finally walk across the bridge this morning.

In doing this I ended up laying here with all these thoughts in my head.... ones that made me cry.  I just don't understand how I can honestly be happy and motivated when it comes to living a healthy life.  I am so in the zone... I really have never been this focused on me and my health in this way.

Yet, I'm so incredibly sad, I can't even put it all into words... I don't even think there are enough words... I feel like the sadness could consume me if I let it and I have been doing everything possible to get through it.  The more I think about it the more I walk, for instance last night I cried myself to sleep, this morning I got up and I walked almost 4 miles, I made it over the bridge... I breathed deeply and I did not look over the side.  This was not enough for me, I came home and I had to go to church to meet with my Bishop.  I walked both ways... which was a little over 3 miles. 

 

I am exhausted, maybe I can sleep tonight and not cry myself to sleep... When I went to see my Bishop, it was with the intent to get myself together but as I talked to him, I begin to think I wasn't ready yet... I am not committed that way... I want to be, I just don't know if I can be... For now... I will continue to go to church and make those decisions later.  I have a lot on my plate right now, more than I have divulged here.  I may or may not write it all here in time... knowing me, I will... when the time is right.

Hopefully when I have a breakthrough and come to the other side... or at least when I feel strong enough... I will be able to talk about it all .  I often wonder if I will get through this challenge and look back and think it was difficult but it was exactly what I needed to get to the next level...  I think that is what the tough lessons are about, the ones I need to be the most grateful for... they are the ones that help us to grow the most.  It is like my exercising, the harder I work, the better the results... when I am first opting for a walk I think I won't go for too long and I will take small breaks but instead I push myself to continue and push hard... It is the only way I will see good results.

The bigger the challenge, the bigger the gift... it is just so hard to see it when I am going through the big challenge... I guess that is why we don't see the gift, we just have to persevere and the gift will eventually happen...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥